safe

  Most of life (until only a few years ago) was spent in hiding, avoiding the feelings I found too painful to feel as a child. My Mother was unable to care for me so my Grandparents became my guardians and while they provided for my immediate needs it was less than ideal and there was abuse (under the guise of old fashioned discipline) and very little emotional security or affection. It's all so complicated and not really something I want to explore in depth in this space but I wanted to share a bit... For some reason, my Grandmother has decided that, since my little one was born, she will come up every year and spend a week staying with us. It is a week I pretty much dread and after every visit I swear I won't let her come again because the psychic and physical (my anxiety always turns into a physical illness) toll it takes is unbearable.
  This last visit was by far the heaviest. I am deep into my 3rd year of therapy, plus I have been practicing meditation and exploring my spirituality more devotedly in the last year (also, I am in my 7th month of complete sobriety and abstinence from all things alcoholic etc). Let's just say I am very very aware and present and have worked hard to create a world that is comfortable and kind. Having my Grandmother in our space really challenged my sanity. It felt as if I was on the edge of a breakdown for several days. I know that she is on her own path and I can't force my view on her but her opinions and lack of being able to observe and see others (me and my children) drives me crazy.  I felt as if I was a little child again, unsafe and adrift, unnoticed and in the way... It was a very frustrating time for me. She left on Thursday and I had to spend all day Thursday and Friday in bed, fighting a virus (psychic illness??) and the stomach pains etc that for me, accompany panic attacks.

  I woke up this morning feeling stronger and safer. Ready to continue this journey I am on and vowing to only have people staying in our home who are sweet and kind. And yes, yesterday I fell down a rabbit hole of streaming tv (Nashville!!! oh wow!) to soothe my tired mind... here's to a lovely weekend! xo m

five!

  My littlest one turned five last week. She was getting over a cold (and during allergy season, oh that asthma really lingers!) but we still managed 4 little celebrations here and there! This Taurus lady is just now getting back to her usual sparkling self.

 gummi encrusted, orange-raspberry honey cake... sugar spiral city!

   This music box from our sweet friend Gwen is the most treasured thing right now.  I'm a little out of it/sleep deprived from my own cold, looking after this gal and 85 year old grandma is visiting (9 days people!!) until thursday... xo m

on may day...

   Today we have spring (it's felt like summer!) colds, recovering from a root canal and filling falling out (me) and so very much garden/home work to do... But last week there was a sweet May Day celebration and we were so happily a part of it. It's one of our favorite traditions and also marks the return of my favorite season. sun sun sun. I'm drinking it up and plotting our sunny future!

 Here's a branch of snowy may,

a branch the fairies gave me.

Would you like to dance today,

with a branch the fairies gave me?

Dance away, dance away,

holding high the branch of may. 

Dance away, dance away,

holding high the branch of may.

 

  Such a wonderful day spent with friends picnic-ing and singing in the sunshine! xo m

chicks...

  The little girls are finally outside (at least during the daylight hours-at night they go back into their pen in the basement). They are confused and a little freaked out and spend a lot of time hiding behind the blue container lid I put in there for just that purpose. I might try and sneak them into the coop with the big girls this weekend but maybe not... Sadie is pretty unkind and I think it'll work best to go slow with the introductions.

   The two black hens have the longest, sleekest feathers, they feel like silk when I pick them up.

 And, while they were all the same size at the start,  the black chicks have quickly overcome the others in size (and beauty-I'm a little partial to these lovlies).

   We've been lucky enough to have several sunny days in a row. Plenty of outside running around time, which we really needed. Necessary  yard/garden chores/planning and park play.

  So happy a wonderful trio of lovely island ladies (love these girls!!) needed a place to stay for the night and that meant I got to clean up my basement studio (which was long overdue for some tidying up) so there was room for the slumber party.

 Tea and mermaid/barbie play party in full swing, my little gal is instructing dolly dress up. Piper, Amelia & Milla are all such sweethearts.

There were cafes and tea and gluten and thrifting and bread and coffee and kombucha on tap...

Yesterday it was over 70 degrees and so sunny, it felt like summer (at least summer here...)!

  Today I'm hoping the sun will burn through these heavy clouds and bring some warmth. I want to do some weekend bicycle riding and exploring, not in the rain please. xo m

mermaids...

  I love Mermaids. They're my new "vampire". I'm working on a new story and it's consuming me. It's a post apocalyptic, dystopian, fairytale, romance and there are totally gonna be lots of mermaids. But I'm struggling to think of just the right thing to call them. I think mermaid is a cute enough word but merman? Well that's just silly. So what would intelligent (maybe kind of bad...) merfolks call themselves?
  Also, I'm pretty obsessed with this song (although the first few lines are goofy and almost laughable-but this new record has all sort of weird, dirty old man style references...). I love it a lot!

xo m

birds of a feather...

  Life is so different than it was a little over a year ago.  I decided to make many other changes when I chose to separate from my long time partner (the breakup went into motion on Valentines Day 2012). Somewhere there's a list but I'm not sure where... But mainly I wanted to live the life I'd always dreamed of living. I don't think it's impossible to live the life of your wildest dreams! You just have to start small and keep working towards the goal(s) until you get there. I find that if I live in love, understanding and honesty a lot of the petty things that used to get to me slip away. I have bad days and am ever working on restraining my tongue (from lashing out, gossip, negative talk...) or feeling the need to "protect myself" by standing up to someone when it would serve me better to just not engage and walk away... Breaking a lifetime of negative patterns is hard, but it's getting easier for me as time passes.

   I used to get bummed out that I was in a sad relationship or had flaky friends but the only thing I really have the ability to work on/change is myself and my actions so when I chose to distance myself from unhealthy relationships and work on myself (an acquaintance, years ago, was always saying he was doing personal work on himself and oh how I used to laugh but I totally see what he meant now!),  explore my spirituality, meditate, write everyday, stop drinking/going to bars...
  The last year and especially the last 6 months have been truly astounding in the friend department! My two best friends are my amazing children. And it's so lovely to spend time with them and have my focus be fully on them and no longer trying to hold together a flailing almost marriage. I do regret that the last couple years were less than picturesque between my ex and I. I feel sad that they had to see/hear our immature arguing or sullen silences... There are now so many new women in my life that I don't even have enough time to adequately devote to them all. Sisterly and wonderful! Strong and powerful thinkers, makers, artists, homesteaders, writers, mamas... I feel lucky to have so many friendships in my city that it, at times, feels small as I bump into this dazzling woman or that on a daily basis. It makes me crazy happy to have a life so happy and full. I feel that nurturing my own spirit and getting to an emotionally healthy place has opened the doors for these new friends to be able to find me.

 I want to always feel deeply that love has no quantity. It's limitless, won't run out if you give it away. There will always be enough love for everyone, no need to hide it away and refuse to share.

 I love to sit on the beach and daydream about mermaids (somethings never change) and underwater worlds. My Son assures me that these things are (theoretically) real, just in an alternate dimension. Everything exists in it's own place/time...

  The other day as we were building rock towers, it was so calm and peaceful and  I reflected back to something Milla mentioned as we were picking nettles that morning. About how unhappiness or discontent or not loving oneself (something like that, right?) can be contagious. And I remembered back, years ago, living in that state, feeling not well and being around others who were mentally or spiritually sick and how that negativity can grow... I feel extremely grateful that now I am surrounded by contagious brightness, beauty, laughter, love and general goodness. I feel such sparkling, powerful vibrations from the kindness and thoughtful nature of my friends and family!

 That beach was just full of so many nice, round, flat stones! Good smooth pieces created on/in earth.

Thank you to my little ones, sweet lady friends, new friends, soon to be friends and friends I'm just discovering. Your light has me aglow. So much LOVE! xoxo m

i'm anemic royalty, i'm so tired, i can't sleep...

  Yeah dudes, I totally used Nirvana lyrics for a title. It's cool, I do live in Seattle and it's so fitting cuz I am anemic in a major way! Phew! Kind of glad that's the deal because I have been feeling so damn weird! Super tired (plus insomnia!), depressed, paranoid, tingly fingers/toes, dizzy spells, etc... I should've realized the signs sooner (I was vegan-and a pretty terrible eater-from age 10-23 and was anemic pretty much the whole time) and then I started freaking out because my lips and self seemed paler than usual (I am pretty pale anyways...) and nearly talked myself out of my wonderful island getaway... I went to the Dr. yesterday and ended up crying and telling him "I'm so stressed out! I'm pretty sure I have anemia or maybe diabetes or my thyroid is acting up or something cuz I feel awful!" and I got a total blood panel done and everything looks good but I am soooo anemic and I have been eating vegan (and not being the most healthful about it) for at least the last 6 months or so. It's hard juggling all the food sensitivities (plus my own ethics about eating animals) and things I should avoid and still end up with a nutritionally balanced diet. I am working on it. And I am swigging molasses out of the bottle w/ sips of Floradix and drinking Catnip/Nettle tea. Please, my herbal sisters, lend me your advice about natural iron boosting ways!
  So let me talk more about my happy weekend, still dreaming about my magical overnight vacation! It was dark on the journey over...

   I love this! These little conks (I think that's what they're called...) growing on this stump, look like steps up to the fairy tower.

   See! Proof. I do have another child! But he's a teenager and either at school, with his friends or doesn't wanna be photographed much.  He loves nature (and peering over semi-dangerous cliffs and running on hillsides).

 In the evening the sunset was huge and crazy beautiful.  It looked like the sky was a golden, pink and blue explosion.

   Today, I felt so impatient and bored listening to a few different city folk go on about this person or that job or some other yuppie b.s. today. I just kept thinking "I went to a wonderful island and it was amazing!! I don't care about all this junk!" sigh...
  Tomorrow the sun will be shining and I'll be attempting more chicken introductions. Part one of flock expansion did not go well. Sadie (the big bully) pecked rather soundly on my favorite chick, Raven's, head.  Raven stuck her head close to the fence and Sadie's beak snuck through the fence in a flash! I'll be putting up a temporary divider in the chicken run for the little ones to be in.  They are so naive though and I'm afraid they'll stick their little heads through the chicken wire and get whacked... I guess they'll learn not to do that. I also think I might need to get a dog kennel for Sadie in case she needs to spend some time alone getting used to the idea of four new sister hens... Oh chickens. xo m