Sunday, January 4, 2015

a new year

  As I sit here and drink my jasmine tea, I am thinking on intentions. The last few years I have written lengthy lists with dozens of goals and many have been accomplished but this years goes deeper. This new years eve/new years day I had only one thing on my mind. Love. Real love. I want to believe in Love. I think there is really only one love for me. The love that I felt as a dream when I was a child. The love that I felt when my own babies came out of my body and I finally held them in my arms. The love that I so wanted to feel with most romantic partners I've had, but it usually disolved for one reason or another. There aren't kinds of love, only LOVE. Fierce and powerful and when you are with that person you create a universe unto yourselves and it's beautiful. I have felt it at times and I have seen it between others and my belief in real love it why I have ended so many previous relationships. I had to believe that there was more than what I was currently experiencing. I had to follow my heart.
   For several weeks I have been attempting to date. Um, it's weird, not for me. I guess I'm just not that modern. I do everything else online but yeah, not the dating... I got rid or and deactivated it all, bye bye. Back to the old fashioned ways of actually coming across that needle in the haystack in real life. I'm fine with that. The waiting... I welcome it. I've got things to do, school starts tomorrow for me and kids. I will be in class and doing homework daily. Great, distraction of mind.
 Every online connection I made was either depressing, slightly scary, annoying or in on case pretty disheartening... I don't have time to pursue sub par connections. There have been many hot tub soaking sessions in my beautiful friends jacuzzi where we exchange stories of the most horrible/hilarious texts know on earth. dating war stories... It hardens you. I'm too soft and strive to stay that way. Instead of dating I will go dancing. My savior at the age of 15 was the dance floor so back to that. I will dance with friends, I will dance on my own if I must but dancing I will go. Every sat night and other nights if it looks extra fun... dance dance dance...
   Winter wraps around us here. It's cold and constantly wet, the sun rarely lights the sky. Every year it hits me somewhat unexpectedly. How is it possible to forget the gloom? Lovely spring and summer wipe it from my mind, every time. January finds me feeling like such a hardy pioneer. I'm a maiden of fortitude simply because I choose to call this damp, grey land my home.
 There have been 2 colds. One that morphed into another so I guess that has a little to do with my sensitive, introspective musings.  Now I have a sinus infection and that lovely disconnected head feeling that goes along with it. Lots of time logged in bed writing. Journal writing, short stories, memoir-always plenty of that. Working out my feelings by writing the down is what works for me.
 There have been certain themes in my Tarot readings. Love and struggle, betrayal oh and coming into money (yes please!! still waiting to hear about financial aid)- it is almost tax time.

 And there it is, in red ink. My final stick n poke tattoo of 2014.  Now I'm off to plant my garlic that is late late late getting into the earth. better late than never! xo m

Sunday, December 21, 2014


  I am sniffling, and dripping elderberry syrup into my mouth by the hour. A teaspoon an hour, every hour, until it starts to dissipate. Picked up some cold germs. Oh the perils of our Northwestern Clime.
 And, Oh hello, my dears... Where have I been for over a month or more. Away on a marvelous vacation? Alas, sadly, no. I was sliding down the rabbit hole of (gasp...) online dating. That world is a little depressing. I mean, it's what people do, right? I do everything else online, work, shop etc, why not pursue dating. It's just, unromantic and really, it's looking for a needle in a haystack (A haystack that is really one of those gigantic trash islands floating around in the middle of the ocean). Chills... I have reached my limit. I'm too sensitive. I have decided that every time I think about a boy or boys I have to do 10 squats (My friend told me about a couple she knows who have to do 10 squats every time they say something negative...well they are super in shape now and don't say negative things as much). I'm getting a gym membership and have to write nightly instead of wasting precious time scrolling through profiles and sifting through bad/boring/creepy messages. I'm done. Back to the nunnery. It's cool. Really. Can't force that kind of magic. I mean you can... But that's a whole nother post titled "don't fool w the dark arts"... I'll be fine. Just retiring my winsome dreams of eating ice cream in bed w anyone this winter... I have Viggo Mortensen, He's the perfect 6lb bed buddy.
 oh heyyyyyy, my dog is ridiculous!! Little bat faced Mr Tiny Body... Big attitude on this gem, I named him rightly.
 Gloom has set in. I dig it, it's good. I pretend I'm in a Swedish film, quietly, walking through the darkness and drizzle. In my head, I'm writing words for passages in my Vamp Book or bits of memoir (this month alone I have begun 3 chapters for a new collection of personal stories...), wait, I have been writing! But I can write more.
 I sew, my machine is broken, so it's entirely by hand, which I enjoy. Very slow, thoughtful, meditative. It connects me to my favorite times. Puritan, Victorian, Depression Era. Oh woe is me, I'm sitting by the firelight stitching away and drawn into a historic circle of sisterhood, women who stitched at night by candlelight, after the babes had fallen asleep. Oh! Please excuse me, While I let out my hens! They will be so cross as It's after 10am... I'm such  a lazy farm mistress today!...
 My nightly tarot readings continue. Getting more acquainted with this beautiful deck and open to the guidance I get. I usually post my readings (right now, I'm fond of doing a 7 card layout) on my instagram.  I feel like I get a really solid picture of what my path is by practicing this divination nightly. The same cards come up, again and again. See. Understand. Hear this... It's beautiful and a magical connection to the other lands that I can hold in my human hands. I treasure my cards.
  When I read tarot, I think about my intention. I draw the cards with intention. This practice has overlapped into every moment of everything I do. How can I pursue this with intention? Harness my feeling in the moment and feel my path, shine and remain free from distracting feelings that aren't always accurate. My beautiful lady friend of nearly 20 years texted me this morning "Just move in your light n live n try to be distant if it's possible" good advice (especially to the lovelorn).
  Tonight is Winter Solstice. After I attend a party with my babes, where most will be tipsy from too much mulled wine, I will come home and write down a list of all my intentions. A fresh manifestation to be wrapped in red ribbon and set to shine in the light of the moon. Always write intentions in the present tense as if they are already happening. 
  And now I need to squeeze Viggo into his little lilac, cashmere sweater vest. Another teaspoon of elderberry syrup. Off to walk on this chilly morning and treat myself with a little black gold-caffeine. It is Winter Solstice. I am. and continue to be. I will live with bright intention. xo m

Monday, November 17, 2014

fall apart

  Last week, the black clouds descended and I was left hopeless, limp and quiet for days. Tears fell frequently and I was overly emotional. A moon cycle, mourning a love lost, financial stress, school uncertainty, struggling with accepting the changes in rhythm-when my car broke (yet again), endless cold in the drafty house, kids that argue over wearing coats and then the light bulb in the fridge went out and I burnt the toast (the little things are always the last straw when I am frustrated) and it seemed the world was ending...  Saturday morning I went to a meeting of women I love and trust and cried and laughed and felt their openness, love and support. I was lifted, enfolded in kindness. I could see out of the greyness that had, moments before, seemed all around me.

 Depression is a strange creature. It feeds on lonliness, sleep deprivation, stress... When I feel dark now, I instantly seek out the wisdom and company of my dearest friends, I call my therapist, I watch a fluffy episode of Gilmore girls, I eat chocolate and know that the feeling will pass. I just have to busy myself and keep moving forward. I used to enjoy really wallowing in my bummer trips but that only made me sadder. I choose happiness.
  Lessening stress is something I am working on. Even fun, exciting things (like all the planning involved in going back to school) are stressful to me. I'm delicate. I can be tough and a warrior but basically I'm a soft, tender hearted lady who is easily shaken cuz I am so hyper aware and want to avoid big problems so I'm always evaluating things like "wait is this ok??" just to be cautious. I think as time goes on I will be less easily jarred by the little challenges of life but right now I'm learning and discovering what works for me as a healthy adult.
 I did get to see Death in June last week. I nearly bailed on going because I was having this really nervous day with awful "prom night butterflies" in my stomach all day. The minute I got there, all my anxiety dissolved. The show was euphoric, haunting and transporting. It felt so intimate-certainly less than 100 people there. The energy field onstage was as dark as my blackest dreams. Douglas P played my most favorite DIJ song, "Fall Apart". I had this wonderful moment of intoxicating pure perfection while he played it. Consumed with the feeling that everything is alright and exactly as it should be. Shadows followed me home. The words echoing in my mind...

And shall I wake from Dreams
For the Glory of Nothing
For the cracking of the Sun
For the crawling down of Lies?
And if We fall from Dreams
Shall we push them into Darkness
And stare into the Howling
And clamber into Night?
And if I fall from Dreams
All my Prayers are Silenced
To Love is to lose
And to lose is to Die...
And why did you say
That things shall fall
And fall and fall and fall
And fall apart?

  It was heavy. I was pondering it for days...

...and these two are buddies. Nothing heavy there. My cat, Thomas, is kind of a jerk. He doesn't care for anyone. He tolerates me, when he's in the mood but really he's a super sensitive, prone to flip on a dime, sort of guy. My tiny dog, Viggo has wormed his way into Thomas' heart. They lay together! They cuddle. This cat is not a cuddler. It's beautiful and hopeful. I love these guys.
  Tomorrow I'll be back with some project talk. I haven't been writing cuz I was feeling sad and binging on Peaky Blinders (ladies... Cillian...) but I'm feeling oh so much better. When I was bummin we spent days in the back yard weeding and prepping the garlic bed and that also helped me feel a million times better! Now off to bed for me. xo m

Sunday, November 9, 2014

autumn apples and leaves and nesting in...

   There has been such a cozy, nesting spirit happening in our home this week. I am getting all the plans in place to begin school Jan. 5th and then with the crisp change in weather and arrival of so many apples, there is just so much to do. My gals Papa got 2 huge boxes of apples from friends who have a farm and he gave us most of them. Apple butter, applesauce, peeling/chopping/freezing and every kind of apple baking project has been going on in the kitchen. Then there's the 8 pounds of organic blueberries we were gifted... I cleaned out the freezer a few weeks back and it's so nice to have these fruits in there, waiting to be eaten up during the winter.
   All summer long our leisurely pace allowed for slower mornings. I had time to do a tarot reading nearly every day. Now with Fall in full swing, it seems we are always rushing off (to school!) in the mornings and my morning tarot time has been sadly lacking. Still, answers from the universe appear. Did you know that playing cards correspond directly with the minor arcana of the tarot?  I find these playing cards on occasion, on the street or face up on the ground at the thrift store. On Monday and Tuesday I found the 9 of hearts (9 of cups). Completion.
 Happiness and success, wildest dreams realized, a wish fulfilled. There are many wishes and wildest dreams afoot in my mind these days... I am working towards them, using the powers of softness and good, seeking the light and being of service to others... In the past my path to dream fulfillment was a messy and not entirely wholesome one. Now I am trying things differently and I believe that if I continue upon an honest and kind journey all my wishes will be granted.

 My dog is so tiny! 6 pounds. Rarely do we encounter smaller dogs. He gets cold too so I've been cutting the arms off sweaters to make him little sweaters.

 Dress of dreams! On a pretty gloomy, dirty day at  the thrift I found this magical raspberry pink dress hiding out at the bottom of a pile of trash. It made my week. I haven't worn it yet but maybe tomorrow night.
 Kitchen projects happening all the time. Using the oven makes this drafty little house extra warm. Granola and we had this amazing apple pancake TWICE for dinner last week. ohhhh so good. With potatoes and kale (and sauerkraut of course).
  I have been taking my lil dog on long walks. Pretty much anytime I am feeling a little upset or frustrated (which has been a few times this week) I go on a real long walk. It's good to clear my head and work thoughts out. Although I wish it wasn't streets and cars and construction I was passing by. I visualize a Seattle of long ago when I am strolling. One wish I have is of a rural setting for us, in the very near future. It's hard to be content in the now, which for us means city. I want country, as soon as possible. Patiently awaiting the country life and figuring out what exactly that means for us. 
  Now to put a sweater on Viggo and go meet my little lady at the farmers market. Happy weekend sweet friends! xo m

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

there is a light that never goes out...

  Learning how to let go (of love, with love...) is something I have taken so many years to begin cultivating. I am just now discovering what this unfamiliar process looks like to me. Unconditional love is something I am only able to practice with my children, my sister, my best friend (honestly, just my children). I have never experienced a romantic love that has remained, was steadfast and unchanged. My loves have always diminished or shattered. Sometimes the love morphed into something, at times, that was unbearable to sit in even for a moment. I know now that hostility, questioning, lack of support, are things I cannot abide in a relationship. The moment I feel my stomach painfully tighten, even a little (and that voice screams in my mind "Run!"), I can no longer ignore. Yes, everyone has off days or gets cranky, but when I feel a pattern of negativity is being established, and thoughts of my beloved no longer invite joy into my heart-but usher in the beginnings of a bitter dreadfulness... I am unable to be open, warm and in love. I retreat, out of self protection, and remove myself from the situation.

  I honestly don't know how to grieve a love lost. It's easier if the person was a real creep (as most of them were). But if it just wasn't working (maybe there were personality clashes/lifestyle differences) and it couldn't go on but no one was an insufferable monster... It's a little harder to stop the relationship. And how do you ever completely close the door? I am terribly fond of unrequited romance, this is not necessarily a good thing. I tend to mis-remember or mythologize my memories. Like it's never ever really truly over.
  My last romance broke (continues to break..) my heart. It was, for many years an unrequited teenage memory/fantasy and when we reconnected it was fireworks, electricity, wild abandon, instant intuitive everything. It seemed so meant to be and nearly flawless until, only a few months later the flaws appeared and everything began to dissolve and fall apart. I feel so heartsick. It keeps coming and unfolds daily. And thank you all for being so patient (friends and readers), I know I've been harping on and on about my romantic experience quite a lot lately... Some days it is so hard to stay away from this romance. In the past, in much darker, completely damned relationships, I always stayed and stayed and stayed, much to my detriment. Now I have to believe that my ability to walk away is a strength. I won't ignore the warning signs and wait until it's nearly impossible to disengage.
   It's Autumn and raining, endless cups of tea and chores and things demanding of my attention. I just want to crawl into bed watch sappy movies, eat chocolate covered shortbread and cry. Wait! I was excited about school yesterday. Yes, I am going back to school. I'm happy to realized I'm just a handful of classes away from my AA (and how I even accumulated any credits is a real feat cuz I was not functioning on a healthy plane 1995-2002) and then I can pursue my Psychology BA (at what school?) and figure out what kinda MA (yeah, where?) and get all sorts of diplomas etc... etc... and move to Berlin/Maine/Dublin/Nola/Magic Island and do cool things and help people figure their heads and hearts out... Today I crashed into lovesick sadness a little. It happens (to me a lot), I'm stressed. There are still many questions with school (waiting to hear about financial aid) and bills long over due and I am sad, not over things and really bummed by the way things turned out with my loved one... I keep thinking it over and over again and flirting with the sweet memories but I do remember what caused me to take a step back and I do think I am where I'm meant to be, right now. I do think I made the right decision. As painful as it is, I made the right choice for me.
   I am creating my life, everyday, with every action and I want it to be a kind, happy, beautiful and wondrous reality. xo m

Saturday, November 1, 2014

the rain came in...

  The Autumn rain has finally started. I was really starting to wonder. It felt as if Summer had set in for good. Flowers and leaves, awake and unfolding at the wrong time. Everything in nature seemed out of sync and slightly confused. A couple weeks ago I journey to the little island of Vashon with one of my oldest friends (I have been friends with the lovely Carey for 25 years! It boggles my mind because it seems like just yesterday we were dancing to Bauhaus at the all ages dance club... Time is such a silly thing!). The weather that day was unseasonably warm and so bright.
 We fell a little in love with this magical coffee house that had hundreds of kinds of tea and was housed in an old dance hall. The building also contained a vintage book store and a health food grocery. Locals came in doing their daily shopping or coffee getting and it was every bit the picture of idyllic small town life. Nearly everyone was wearing some sort of groovy pnw vibe sweater and most people seemed to know one another.
   I was struggling with envy and judgement today. My daughter goes (on scholarship) to a private school. I love the school. We have had our struggles there (Not long ago, I posted about a bullying situation. In the conference with the teachers I agreed to trust them to facilitate healing and resolution. And things are, thankfully, improving in that area). I am very active and involved at the school. Still, it is hard for me, at times, to reserve judgement about the other parents.It's difficult to be surrounded by so many apparently blissfully happy, excessively moneyed folks and not feel a little bitter, jealous... I try to park my old volvo a block away so that when it invariably won't start (fuse terminal, wiring, short? I have problems about daily, every other day if I'm lucky) and I have to open the fuse box and fuss around in it for several minutes to get it to start, I don't have an audience of lookers on.. I get very wrapped up in my own day to day and imagine that these people have it easy, have no idea of struggle. But, for the most part, I don't know their stories. I can only control my own. Still the envy is there. I suggested, to the pta-which I am a part of, that we have our own funds for the group becasue not everyone (Hi, Me! I can't afford it!) should be expected to buy needed materials or coffee and snacks for large group meetings out of their own pocket. They were kinda like, Huh? But then understood and agreed it was a great idea... meh. Oct is a difficult transition month for work and I'm always feeling extra overwhelmed by the bills while less money is coming in.
  All that said, I have decided to go back to school. I'm actually only a handful of credits away from my AA and want to close in on a BA and then go to grad school. Big dreams. I had always envisioned going back to school in my 50s or 60s (when I had the time, haha) But I have a few friends (some of them single mamas) who have done it or are doing it and I think now is the time for me to try. This last week was a whirlwind of meetings at the school and testing and paperwork and online clicking and sending... I start on Jan 5th for winter. I'm pretty excited!!

We are immersed back in the land of OZ. I love these books and their old timey wording and delicacy. The art is so pretty and there are so many OZ books, although some of pretty boring and lack to pizzazz of the ones we love.
I took a couple pictures of books so I wouldn't forget to try and find them for my gal. The art in Marigold Garden is so pretty!

 Now it is Saturday. The day after Halloween. It rained heavily the entire evening. Wet feet, soggy candy, cranky kids. Super sugar hangovers and sniffly noses today. I let my little one watch the magic schoolbus which I will surely regret. Every time I use cartoons as a babysitter it turns out badly. But she woke up at 6am today (on school days I have to drag her out of bed at 7:15! But weekends she always wakes up by 6) and I just couldn't... I wanted to sleep more, I only got about 15 mins of sleep before the puppy started fussing around naughtily. xo m

Saturday, October 25, 2014

mysterious elusive magical

  The nature of love is something I muse on constantly. The mysteries of life, luck, timing, I reflect on often. I go over conversations, gestures, glances, with analytical dissection. I do character studies of strangers, loved ones or internet "research" (ie obsessive bookmarking and youtube-ing, image,text searching) trying to put together or take apart what feelings make up who. In my head, there is always a story being written, sometimes fictional, often autobiography. occasionally, the story I'm writing isn't a story at all, but my actual life. My mental landscape leans towards the fantastical. It's always been so but lately even more intensely.
  I've been spending hours everyday writing. Now I skip my usual, exhausted end of day netflix streaming fest in favor or writing, attempting to translate my mental pictures, feelings into print. I'm writing a book (working title-vamp book) about Vampires. There are Vikings, humans, and now Witches and Cult members have appeared, there's a (still un-named) God-like Rock Icon.  The time period of vamp book spans 930 through 2014. Oh wait, there are actually things that happen before 930AD but the time isn't named... It's set mostly in Seattle but also in so many other places. Portland, Ireland, Africa, Iceland... The world and the mythology it contains has become complex, maybe too complex. I have a giant piece of paper over my writing desk that has a timeline and family trees on it. It's getting a little nuts. I sleep, eat, breathe that world. I exist in it whenever I possibly can. I'm not so sure why it's so important and demanding of my attention I just know that it is and I want to experience it, watch it unfold. It's like an ocean and the waves keep coming and I don't see the shore yet. I know there's land somewhere, it has to appear sooner or later.. If I'm patient and watchful.

 I still enjoy spending time in graveyards. I am so quintessentially gothic to the core. I love to sit there among the headstones and scribble away words, sentences, ideas, take pictures...
   There is something in being slightly miserable, or struggling or wading through a transition that makes me feel so hopelessly free and creative. I am wide awake to the inspiration of the universe. I open my arms and say yes. Inviting in creatures great and small. Dreaming and exploring and imagining a life that is full of beauty and a world of wonders untold.
  I believe that the hidden secrets of the heart and mind contain the most potent magic. It's that magic I seek and want to feel.

    The days grow colder and the black days, persistent rain and our drafty house reminds me that Winter is really coming. There's always water boiling, endless cups of tea being made. I get into bed at night, cuz it's warm there, and from beneath my covers, I write.  Samhain is approaching swiftly, bringing deep introspection, reflection. Stark changes ask for my attention and I comply. I'm discovering the new world, inside and out. xo m