Sunday, February 8, 2015

the secret language...

    Hi. I've missed you. Really. Life has been just kids, coffee, school, work, coffee, kids, school, collapse...  repeat repeat repeat... I think of how apt the phrase "burning the candle at both ends" is. And it was just full moon (who else felt it like crazy?), I have pms and damn it, everyone in Seattle is sick. I'm not joking everyone. The viruses pass in waves through our home. My children's classrooms are filthy germ collections.
   So I was coursing along, feeling my way through beginning to learn again, really enjoying school and, a month ago, I started spending time with a boy.  I'm getting to know him on a magical level, it  occupies an entirely different realm (stunning astrological compatibility). The instantaneous feeling of calm is so strong and sweet. Love is: laying around talking for hours, gluten free baking, being favorites, eating steak & fried potatoes for dinner, cold brew coffee, coconut milk ice cream for breakfast, laughing all the time and so many other things. It's a different experience. Perfectly unique.
     The Northwestern gloom is here, there is always a kettle of water boiling, a cup of tea brewing. The drafty, dampness of our old house is unreal. Every year I sing my song that I won't spend another winter here and here we still are, 5 winters later. I'm not gonna get into the state of rentals. I can't... It's too Dickens-ian. I'd rather talk about cemeteries, romance and the coming of spring...
 I drive by the lake view cemetery at least twice a day. On certain foggy days it beacons me so beautifully, it's impossible to resist. I walk and write in my head here. Interesting ideas come to me when my body is engaged in effortless physical activity. I walk and walk, visit the Lee graves, walk more, look for the oldest headstones... I'm consumed by nostalgic teen imaginings as I write draft after draft of a creative nonfiction piece called The Secret Language for my writing class. The piece is about my high school best friend, some of our secrets, our adventures in shoplifting and vandalism... It's about our spoken secret language-made up of inside jokes, witticisms and weird recollections. But it also references our intuitive, unspoken way of energetic communication. In thinking about this (during the, often, tedious process of refining the story, over and over), I'm starting to see how there is a secret language to everything. It exists within most relationships. It's bittersweet and wondrous how these miniature universes can be created simply by being in the company of another person we adore. Or within nature. I feel the secret language all around me.
      My gal came home, today, from an overnight with her Papa, all pukey. She's been bundled on the couch watching cartoons (Waldorf philosophy evaporates and it's a free for all media-fest when she's sick, y'all) and barking orders, all day. I'm coughing wimpily and drinking tea. This is how the winter is here. People just seems to have this lingering-kinda-bad-meh-cold that drags on for weeks or months.

     I have found that it's easier for me to write or do homework in a cafe or coffee shop. When I try to be productive and work at home, I end up super distracted by chores, projects or Viggo Mortensen (the dog). Ultimately I have this dream of having my own "office" (sigh, like Margot Tenenbaum's apt she kept to write in...) but paying more rent isn't going to happen right now.  So (gasp...) I'm one of those people on a laptop at a coffee shop. I used to be so annoyed but I understand now! It's so quiet in coffee shops too cuz everyone's working.  I set a reasonable time limit of 1-2 hours. It's cool.
   I have been eating a ridiculous amount of pastries. I am gluten free. ok 75% of the time. Sometimes I just really want biscotti, apple cake or a vegan donut. Constant denial of wants/treats makes me cranky and it's just really hard. I like the sweets. I'm afraid my sweet tooth is unparalleled.
   After many weeks of patient waiting, my California Poppy tincture was ready to strain and decant. I dreamt, months ago, that (my mother land) the golden state's, state flower, was a magic spirit herb. In my dream, I laid in a field of the silky orange California Poppies and promptly fell asleep (It's always so strange to me when I fall asleep in a dream, it happens to me pretty often). When I woke, I decided to start the tincture and hoped it would be just the thing to take the edge off my insomnia. And, it totally helps! Just 5-10 an evening and I am feeling way mellow. It's lovely. I think my romance is playing it's part in helping me sleep better. I really have never felt so tranquil around a man. The vibes are like a pastel pinky peach sunset. It's serene.
   Oh surprise. More coffee. A totally essential lifestyle ingredient for one who has too much work to do and not enough hours in a day. Gotta cut that out, pull back a bit. I had a little fingers/toes numb, vision altering panic attack yesterday that forced me back into reality. I cannot drink coffee like a trucker, I just am not constitutionally able to handle it. I freak when I have too much caffeine.
   This week, all heady teen dreams and pms, led me to pull out my copy of the Bell Jar. I haven't read it in so long. It seems so fresh. Plus I read differently now. Educated, collegiate style! I'm annotating, highlighting, scribbling, etc. I'm seeing things in old books that never jumped out before. I love it.
   The looming to-do this week is to "help" my little dove make 20 hand made crafty Valentines for her teachers & classmates. It's a process, best approached by doing a few at a time. I have a few assignments due but mid-terms (that stuff was bananas by the way-so much work!) are over and I can lightly relax in the school realm. There are little spring break trip plans beginning to bounce about in my mind. I'm thinking a trip to California is in order. I've been missing family and friends in San Diego (and I miss the sunshine terribly too).
   Outside the rain is falling hard and I need to delicately push this feverish six year old over a bit (she always sleeps in my bed when she's sick) and try and sleep. Dreams of poppy fields and California sun await. xo m

1 comment:

  1. Mmmm I hear you on damp winters.....pretty much how ours is here in the lower East Nth island of NZ. (That's a mouthful!) I imagine that it is peaceful at your house, I'd like some more quiet in mine. But it's impossible with the personalities we've got running about. Hope you get well soon.


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