Monday, November 17, 2014

fall apart

  Last week, the black clouds descended and I was left hopeless, limp and quiet for days. Tears fell frequently and I was overly emotional. A moon cycle, mourning a love lost, financial stress, school uncertainty, struggling with accepting the changes in rhythm-when my car broke (yet again), endless cold in the drafty house, kids that argue over wearing coats and then the light bulb in the fridge went out and I burnt the toast (the little things are always the last straw when I am frustrated) and it seemed the world was ending...  Saturday morning I went to a meeting of women I love and trust and cried and laughed and felt their openness, love and support. I was lifted, enfolded in kindness. I could see out of the greyness that had, moments before, seemed all around me.

 Depression is a strange creature. It feeds on lonliness, sleep deprivation, stress... When I feel dark now, I instantly seek out the wisdom and company of my dearest friends, I call my therapist, I watch a fluffy episode of Gilmore girls, I eat chocolate and know that the feeling will pass. I just have to busy myself and keep moving forward. I used to enjoy really wallowing in my bummer trips but that only made me sadder. I choose happiness.
  Lessening stress is something I am working on. Even fun, exciting things (like all the planning involved in going back to school) are stressful to me. I'm delicate. I can be tough and a warrior but basically I'm a soft, tender hearted lady who is easily shaken cuz I am so hyper aware and want to avoid big problems so I'm always evaluating things like "wait is this ok??" just to be cautious. I think as time goes on I will be less easily jarred by the little challenges of life but right now I'm learning and discovering what works for me as a healthy adult.
 I did get to see Death in June last week. I nearly bailed on going because I was having this really nervous day with awful "prom night butterflies" in my stomach all day. The minute I got there, all my anxiety dissolved. The show was euphoric, haunting and transporting. It felt so intimate-certainly less than 100 people there. The energy field onstage was as dark as my blackest dreams. Douglas P played my most favorite DIJ song, "Fall Apart". I had this wonderful moment of intoxicating pure perfection while he played it. Consumed with the feeling that everything is alright and exactly as it should be. Shadows followed me home. The words echoing in my mind...

And shall I wake from Dreams
For the Glory of Nothing
For the cracking of the Sun
For the crawling down of Lies?
And if We fall from Dreams
Shall we push them into Darkness
And stare into the Howling
And clamber into Night?
And if I fall from Dreams
All my Prayers are Silenced
To Love is to lose
And to lose is to Die...
And why did you say
That things shall fall
And fall and fall and fall
And fall apart?

  It was heavy. I was pondering it for days...

...and these two are buddies. Nothing heavy there. My cat, Thomas, is kind of a jerk. He doesn't care for anyone. He tolerates me, when he's in the mood but really he's a super sensitive, prone to flip on a dime, sort of guy. My tiny dog, Viggo has wormed his way into Thomas' heart. They lay together! They cuddle. This cat is not a cuddler. It's beautiful and hopeful. I love these guys.
  Tomorrow I'll be back with some project talk. I haven't been writing cuz I was feeling sad and binging on Peaky Blinders (ladies... Cillian...) but I'm feeling oh so much better. When I was bummin we spent days in the back yard weeding and prepping the garlic bed and that also helped me feel a million times better! Now off to bed for me. xo m


  1. I'm glad you're feeling better and choosing happiness <3 and indulging in all the things that make you feel better. I've been feeling great lately, but know totally the pits you've been in and sometimes even in times of happiness worry about the silly idea, that the pits are just around the corner. sending you loves!

  2. it's Thursday….different day, different clouds…glad to read you choosing to keep moving and staying in the light...


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