falling in love...

   The last few weeks have been crazy (nuts insane bonkers...)! I have spent the last couple years exploring what it feels like to fall in love with: my children, our city, friends, sobriety, future dreams/goals, my writing, independent lady life etc etc. Basically channeling all my intensely romantic love feelings (in the past, that stuff pretty much always ruled my every thought!!) into healthier options. I was on a romance break. For however long that needed to be. I figured that eventually, when the time was right, a dreamy partner would appear. I believe that like attracts like and I would find someone special when I was ready and wonderful, happy within myself. In the past, I had always tried to control and make relationships into what I envisioned they should be. I used people I was in love with to try and fill an emptiness. I thought others were responsible for my happiness. This didn't work out well for me. I was also guilty of finding men that resembled rough pieces of coal and trying with all my might to turn them into dazzling diamonds...

 3 moons ago, at the urging of an old friend, I did a new moon manifestation list. I wrote down all the traits in specific detail that I wanted in a new partner. My ideals were so specific that it seemed impossible one magical creature would ever possess them all. I folded up my list 3 times, wrapped it round with red thread, tied 3 knots and left it in my bedroom window where it would be bathed in moonlight. Almost instantly there were strange suitors on the horizon. None of them were quite right but still it was a start...
 I turn to my tarot cards for insight almost daily. My readings were beginning to deliver messages of, what I saw as, a more romantic tone.

   I realize that romances are like the stories I write. I have an idea in mind and I sit down to attempt pulling it from my brain onto the page. It the process of extraction, the story takes on it's own life, begins to breathe and changes the course of the initial idea I had. I never fight this in writing. I let the story tell itself, I am just a channel for the revelation, whatever it may be.

 A few weeks ago I began falling in love. The process began so innocently and it has been instantaneous and virtually effortless. I am working on placing no expectations or strategic ambitions (oh the games and tactics I used to obsessively employ!) on this romance. It is a new experience for me. Love as a coming together and sharing the same path, sort of journey. Not as a goal oriented conquest of spirit...

 Last week I was on a plane. Off to see this darling of my dreams who lives over 800 miles away. And yes, my hair is hot pink now...

 I began my trip, a belly full of butterflies. I was nervous, calm, excited, terrified, apprehensive, elated, totally freaking out... on my way there.

   Once I landed my nervousness intensified to be so heavy that I nearly hopped on a plane to return home... I calmed myself down, pushed through it and was rewarded with a long weekend of wonderfulness.

   There can be such a transformative power in romance. At times it was overwhelming but ultimately sweet and lovely.

  I returned home full of a buzzing, psychic connection. I feel comforted that the physical distance will bring careful decision making and wise perspectives. I have had a tendency to be impulsive and less than careful.  I feel aware now. Awake and alive and present in the now.

Love is all around me now. In the birds that fly overhead, even in the crow caws, sparkling in summer flowers, washing over me as waves from the sea, sliding by in shifting sands. I have fallen. I am falling. There is now the feeling of being so deep in the middle of love. xo m

holding out for that teenage feeling...

  There has been a lot of journal writing these days. I'm finding my place as a single lady. These last 2 years have been a true, transformative journey. In the past, I was always lost in dreamy obsessions or deeply ensconced in some romantic (usually toxic and misguided) relationship. Coming out of that haze and learning to be responsible and self reliant has been, at times, a real trial and at other times an achievement of amazing personal freedom.  I'm learning who I am and who I want to be, without other peoples overwhelming influence. I am on my own, clear headed-ly, for the first time since, oh age 13...
  When I ended my last long term relationship (and quit drinking, etc...), I found myself set back to the emotional age I was at before these all consuming relationships, and unhealthy coping habits, had started. I was renewed in my attitude of youthful idealism and innocence. I have gradually become romantic in a new sort of patient (pretty much sweet and old fashioned) healthy way. I am aware of myself and intuitive of others. I no longer feel the pull of these obsessive relationships, in fact, I can see them coming from a mile away and once I see a telltale sign, I run like hell! I experienced this mental shift and the old things no longer seem appealing, they look dangerous and harming and wonderfully, that is no longer attractive to me.

  I look back to the pursuits that brought me such happiness as a very young lady. Writing (stories, letters, journaling), spending time with animals, being in nature, herbal studies... I am choosing to put the romantic energy, which I have in abundance, into my work, creative projects and into nurturing a happy loving life with my children, friends and animals. Instead of rabidly looking for another partner I will look inward and reflect my light outward. I concentrate on where I am going and continue creating and manifesting the internal goodness I now feel, which I had been seeking in others throughout all those lost years. I sought to find that freedom and joy outside of me but was never able to truly look inside myself at what might be lurking there.
  There are moments when I feel less than resolute and a little lonesome. Most of my friends are married or in deeply committed relationships and I have to admit that I feel a little isolated being one of the only single people I know of.  It seems that most folks in their 30s are coupled off and seem to only come in pairs, often hand in hand and I feel envious but then I examine why I feel that way and what is motivating my envy and it's usually silly. I write about it and move on.
  I am not on okcupid, I'm not asking dudes to hang out, I don't go to places with the intention of meeting someone special. It's important for me to nurture my creativity and concentrate on writing. I've been working on a book since 2010 and I need to just finish it and do all the work necessary to go to the next level in that area.
  I put a bunch of cds in the car last week. In the process of going through them, at random while driving about on a sunny day, I came across this song and had a magic moment of solidarity and understanding. Finally, I  am content to wait for a love that is sweet and wonderful. A relationship I was always seeking but was never in the right emotional space to find. I'm not interested in settling (or projecting imaginary traits and dreams onto some with-holding "diamond in the rough" man, hoping that my love will change him into my soul mate). When the time is right everything will fall into place. xo m

poppies, puppy & wheels...

  ...these things have been most on my mind (and work work work, dreams of relocation and romance but let's start small!). Mars retrograde brought some financially laden changes that, while painful (STRESS time!) to work through, were ultimately for the best. At times I have to be careful what I verbalize and put out there to the universe because ultimately it comes to pass but in a difficult, seemingly "Why is this happening to me!!" way.
  I have been saying for months that I want to shift the bulk of my work onto etsy/ebay. I have two retail spaces (in different vintage co-ops) that I pay rent and a percentage of sales on and the income can be good at times but inconsistent and the overhead is high. Lately the sales and customers even coming into the shops has been bad and the owner has no interest in advertising or improving the aesthetic or "branding". He just wants to collect his cash. Etsy has it's own woes but the overhead is low. So I've been working on listing more everyday and voila, etsy sales are up.
  And then there's the car. I was gifted an older mercedes a couple years ago and it's been a pain and just not "me" in the car dept. I felt weird in it. I would think back longingly to my old volvos (years ago I had a 1978 green 240 wagon and a 1984 white sedan).  When my car died a couple weeks ago, I ended up getting lucky on craigslist and now I have another volvo wagon.

  It's pretty sweet. I felt like such a responsible adult (really not my forte in the cars and bills dept) going and getting tabs, insurance and an oil change.

  This little pup, Viggo Mortensen, is getting bigger but he's still the littlest dog in town. On our outings, we've only met one pup (a teacup chihuahua puppy), that he is bigger than. He likes to chew stinky bones and be wherever I am at all times. Viggo is my little shadow. I adore him but at times (5am) I curse myself for taking on another family member. Now that my daughter's allergies are pretty under control and she is blissfully sleeping through the night, I go ahead and add a puppy to the mix and yeah, he barks and whines in the night and gets up at 5am EVERYDAY. oh boy... He's a sweetheart though and everyone (except for the scroogiest of Seattle folks) smile and dote on him. He makes people happy and light just by his magical, tiny, cuteness!

 Poppies are popping. The jumbo ones, the little fluttery ones, the ones with crinkled edges...

 and eggshells getting crushed to be fed back to my chickens with their corn and snacks to add calcium and built strong shells.

 oh little lovely California poppies. I never knew there was any other kind when I was a kid growing up in Southern California. These orange poppies were everywhere including lining I-5 for mile after mile.

 Gathered flowers from our evening stroll. My gal fills bowls and bowls.

oh and Hello there Mr Gary Oldman at your finest! Swoon! The other day I was feeling a little lonesome and needing a dose of heady deep romance. I had happily discovered Bram Stoker's Dracula was added to netflix so I watched it and was instantly revived and feel content to be single until I find my own sweet prince.

  I just want a dashing, mysterious man with a thick accent who has "crossed oceans of time" to find me. No big deal, sounds reasonable... I'd better get started on that "hopeless romantic" stick n poke tattoo now. haha... Tomorrow finds me slinging vintage clothes and chatting w sweet ladies from Seattle and all around the world all day long. I'll be working on a new zine in my downtime. I think the first zine I've made in over a decade! Zine revival babies! I'd love to be a part of the return of snail mail and more printed words in hand. xo m

it felt like summer...

  All through April and the early weeks of May we were lost in magical moments of early summer. It seemed like a dream, and then familiar clouds rolled in, sore throats returned, coughs stirring up again and here we are right in the middle of what feels like deep Fall. Autumn is what the Pacific Northwest does best and it is the default weather season most of the time... I'm a little cranky, feeling cheated. I'm certainly at a crossroads in almost every way: romance, work, city of choice, blog (I feel like maybe I've outgrown blogspot and need to step up to type pad and mesh my personal and professional blogs into one.). A fortune cookie paper fell out of a thifted book the other day and it read:

"Make up your mind and do what you want to do."

 It might be time to really devote myself and decide if my religion truly is California (thanks lovely Mary for the amazing quote/post- I've been thinking about it A LOT!).

   In a few years my oldest will be off to college and my little one and I could move wherever. My oldest did say if he had to move anywhere during high school it would have to be California. Everything is open. I just have to decide/work/decide/write/work work work...

   Seattle used to be much cheaper than California but all the computer people and other sorts of yuppies have made the rents and opportunity of home ownership in the city close to impossible. I do have utility discounts and state health insurance for my children and I'm not sure how that works in California-I'm guessing it's not as accessible.  But my youngest has asthma and numerous allergies so it's not something I can pay for... sigh... any advice my lovely single mama/mama friends? And how is healthcare where you live. I'm flirting with the idea of finding a place where I can buy land and pretty open...

 We were lucky enough to find little tide pools here and there.

  I have been single since last Valentines Day (15 months!!).  I went on a few very ill fated dated w/people I knew who turned out to be ick and mehhhhh in a real situation so I just abandoned the idea and about a month ago decided I was ready. I feel ready for a little romance. I joined OkCupid a few days ago and mehhhh... let's just say I call it OkStupid cuz it's lame and just kind of awful and seems like it would take up way too much time to sift through all the shit, um, I mean people on there...
  And so on into June. It will be a month of vibrancy and wellness and beauty. May was a little rough on us. And my special woodland wondergirl will be here to visit sunday!! guess who? xo m