Monday, May 26, 2014

holding out for that teenage feeling...

  There has been a lot of journal writing these days. I'm finding my place as a single lady. These last 2 years have been a true, transformative journey. In the past, I was always lost in dreamy obsessions or deeply ensconced in some romantic (usually toxic and misguided) relationship. Coming out of that haze and learning to be responsible and self reliant has been, at times, a real trial and at other times an achievement of amazing personal freedom.  I'm learning who I am and who I want to be, without other peoples overwhelming influence. I am on my own, clear headed-ly, for the first time since, oh age 13...
  When I ended my last long term relationship (and quit drinking, etc...), I found myself set back to the emotional age I was at before these all consuming relationships, and unhealthy coping habits, had started. I was renewed in my attitude of youthful idealism and innocence. I have gradually become romantic in a new sort of patient (pretty much sweet and old fashioned) healthy way. I am aware of myself and intuitive of others. I no longer feel the pull of these obsessive relationships, in fact, I can see them coming from a mile away and once I see a telltale sign, I run like hell! I experienced this mental shift and the old things no longer seem appealing, they look dangerous and harming and wonderfully, that is no longer attractive to me.
  I look back to the pursuits that brought me such happiness as a very young lady. Writing (stories, letters, journaling), spending time with animals, being in nature, herbal studies... I am choosing to put the romantic energy, which I have in abundance, into my work, creative projects and into nurturing a happy loving life with my children, friends and animals. Instead of rabidly looking for another partner I will look inward and reflect my light outward. I concentrate on where I am going and continue creating and manifesting the internal goodness I now feel, which I had been seeking in others throughout all those lost years. I sought to find that freedom and joy outside of me but was never able to truly look inside myself at what might be lurking there.
  There are moments when I feel less than resolute and a little lonesome. Most of my friends are married or in deeply committed relationships and I have to admit that I feel a little isolated being one of the only single people I know of.  It seems that most folks in their 30s are coupled off and seem to only come in pairs, often hand in hand and I feel envious but then I examine why I feel that way and what is motivating my envy and it's usually silly. I write about it and move on.
  I am not on okcupid, I'm not asking dudes to hang out, I don't go to places with the intention of meeting someone special. It's important for me to nurture my creativity and concentrate on writing. I've been working on a book since 2010 and I need to just finish it and do all the work necessary to go to the next level in that area.
  I put a bunch of cds in the car last week. In the process of going through them, at random while driving about on a sunny day, I came across this song and had a magic moment of solidarity and understanding. Finally, I  am content to wait for a love that is sweet and wonderful. A relationship I was always seeking but was never in the right emotional space to find. I'm not interested in settling (or projecting imaginary traits and dreams onto some with-holding "diamond in the rough" man, hoping that my love will change him into my soul mate). When the time is right everything will fall into place. xo m

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