the golden state...

   Tomorrow I will be in California (I'm going to visit my "special gentleman friend" as one lady friend says...). Each visit home is full of learning. My relationship with my home state is ever changing. There is such an intense duality in my nature that when it comes to most people, places, things... I seem to love furiously and in a bittersweet way-even if this loving only happens in my mind. It's the way my brain works, I strive to find balance through extremities.
   Growing up in Southern California was a love affair full of eternal sunshine, warmth and outdoor freedom. It's easy to be a kid there, no jackets or mittens to worry about. When I was little we were allowed, expected to roam our neighborhood, only needing to return before night fall. Yet there was an internal darkness always inside me. I wasn't able to fully enjoy being sunshine-y and free then. I was wrestling with the confusing problems of dealing with my drug addict mother and a number of other abusive adults.I couldn't wait to get away and moved to Oregon a month after I graduated high school.
  Over the next several years I moved around Oregon and Washington (and back to California) often. I made the mistake of thinking that the place was a large part of the problem and that my discontent would cease if I just found the right place to live in. After my son was born I couldn't just pick up and move on a whim so I began to examine my thoughts and feelings and shortly discovered that my issues were the real issue and started working on emotional health, healing, sorting through my feelings and eventually got to a place of contentment and became comfortable with who I am.
  I love the Northwest. It is a magical place. It's also the only home my children have ever known. But there is still a part of me that misses California. Like a long lost lover I want to reconnect with because at the time of our first romance I wasn't ready for that kind of love yet... (Oh... this post is ripe with simile and metaphor. What am I even going on about... home, love...) I feel like you all understand...

   Here in Washington, we have such damp, chilly mornings, we've collected so many first days of school, heavy blankets, the smell of fireplace and wood stove smoke in the air nightly. The comfort of home and the challenge I feel when entering Autumn-you know it's so wet and dark and seems endless and then you arrive at March and feel victorious as the first days of sunshine begin. I feel such a true pioneer spirit at times in The Northwest. I look into the eyes of strangers during a sudden downpour and we smile, shrug our shoulder and laugh as water runs into our eyes.

 I imagine what a life in California would look like. I imagine what community I might find there. Through July and August I would examine and fantasize (yes, obsess!) over every little idea and situation. I've mostly put those thoughts out of my mind and now am trying to concentrate on what is right now. To be, and that means: working a lot, collecting paper, school, finishing vamp book, getting ready for the winter, for now we are here and I am not sure what the future holds.

   Occasionally, on gloomy days I think of sunshine and am momentarily transported to the Golden State. I think a life there as an emotionally whole adult as opposed to that of a tormented child might be really wonderful.  But my love for Seattle is so strong. It's like my Heathcliff... Would I ever really love California like that?  See how my mind works? Over and over and around again. A true Libra. I used to get so annoyed when reading Linda Goodman astrology books because she seemed very biased in regards to Librans but , well, some of her observations may have had a ring of truth to them...

 Today there are so many errands and my son is performing with his Queens of the Stone Age cove band and then packing... x 3...

 Oh to laze in a field of borage watching the honey bees. Surrounded on all sides by evergreens.

  Tomorrow I will be on airplane heading to California. I'm excited to visit once more while it is still technically summertime! I'm waiting for fresh illuminations to be revealed. I'm excited to see what mysteries will be unveiled on this visit. Because, you know, we are still somewhat in love , the Golden State and I... xo m