Sunday, September 21, 2014

love & romance

  In my earliest imaginings I was obsessed with and spent many hours lost in wonder over love and romance. These elusive "things" continue to be my main areas of interest. Everything I do, think, am is infused with this ideal that, at one time, was a youthful cultivation of persona. An intensely traumatic childhood combined with a thoroughly sensitive nature had enabled me to be a perfect candidate for dreaming my fantastical realm into actual perception. By the time I was a tween the romantic persona had become so ingrained into existence that I realized I was no longer actively trying or pondering the why, what, hows of love and romance, I had simply become that which I sought to attain.
  Any friend I've ever had would probably describe me as "romantic" first off. In high school I used to sit and burn incense while I read Rimbaud, Byron, Anais Nin, Fitzgerald even the Marquis de Sade aloud at lunchtime to my girlfriends. I would fall into fits of obsessive infatuation over this boy and that, or become so hopelessly enamored of a certain band that their music was the word of God.
  I realize that there is a dreary scientific/biological explanation for all these feelings that live inside me. Yet I still prefer to think of love and romance as a magic spell or an altered state brought on by mystical forces beyond my control. I live my life based on the stirrings I feel in my heart or the fluttering inside my stomach. I guess that is, in some way, biology speaking to me. My body tells me when a situation is right or warns me when it could be wrong. I am highly aware and listen to these signs. But when I am in love I lose my head, judgement disappears and I forget to think. I become consumed and live, governed by my senses, drunk on the alchemical combination of scent, skin, taste... My vision becomes such that the object of my affection is transformed into a bright, otherworldly, beacon of light. They cease to be human and are elevated above all others in my mind. I am extreme in almost all areas of my life, especially love. I don't know how to enter into it casually, with restraint. I can only be myself and when I feel the power of love as it surrounds me, I don't stop to think "wait, slow down.." When my feelings are returned, I give the person my love and I don't hold back. I kiss, compliment, talk and listen all night long, just to try and understand what it is that makes this other person who they are. I want to know about their feelings, history, dreams and ambitions. I don't seek to change, control or tame them, I want to fall in beside them and experience life as it is unfolding.
  My birth date card is the Queen of Clubs. I'm into astrology, lunar cycles, divination, magic (which were once the sciences of their time). I ponder the psychic and otherworldly realms and my place in them. I rely on forces unseen. I wait for visions to come in dreams or signs. I wait for illumination and it does appear. I'm soooo very averse to conflict, authority and debate. I envision a world of pure, transcendent beauty and enjoyment. My heart tells me that my true love finds me endlessly fascinating and my emotional nature endearing.
  The last 3 years have been so full of emotional discovery of self. I am uncovering a life that was once hidden. My views on love and romance have changed somewhat and for the better but I still rely on what the birds sound like in the sky and the butterflies that reside in my stomach. I feel my way into relationships that unfold like poetry. At times the story goes awry and I wonder "Where did it go?". How could feelings so strongly felt and a connection so effortlessly forged denigrate into resentful bickering and misunderstandings? What's the point of criticism or correcting ones lover when you could be wrapping your arms about them and smothering them in kisses?
  I was talking to a friend today about relationships and he said that he had a theory about chemistry and we talked about it awhile, "If the chemistry is like an 8, or even a 7, out of 10, I RUN!" he said. hmm... Well I always seek out a 10. I don't know what to even think about his theory... I'm not sensible or able to impose rules onto how a partner appears.
  ...And now I am going to write a story about a house. I'm working on short stories right now because anything else is too monumental and demanding. I have imposed some rules onto my writing. I have to sit in a certain space and write for at least an hour a day. And anytime I feel the urge to check stupid facebook I have to write a paragraph (I feel like checking it a lot!). My stories are, as always, a mixture of experiences and fiction. A bit of truth flowers into a fantasy... xo m

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