Sunday, March 2, 2014

finding balance...

   I'm not sure if you know this about me but I used to go out a lot. I sang in a band, I was a total social (boy crazy) butterfly. Really.  Every fri & sat and probably tues or thursday, at least 3 or 4 times a week, every week. I find it hard to believe (in my current sleep deprived mama state) that I ever had that kind of stamina. I envisioned my 20-something social life as an ever swinging Great Gatsby-esque revel, but in reality it had moments much more akin to the movie Hysterical Blindness. In my 20s, I could never imagine a time when I wouldn't want to be at every "it" party, art show or performance. My bestie and I would vow that it'd never change! We'd always be at the center of every party. Her ex boyfriend used to say, "You just have to get the EDIE out of you first." referring of course to doomed socialite Edie Sedgwick. Well guys, the Edie is officially out of me.

   In the last couple months I've been doing a little experiment. I've been going out. Once a week, every saturday, as my little one is at her Papa's (and I usually just stream shows or movies until my eyes are popping out!). I have come to realize that my tastes in nightlife have certainly changed. I do not like people with boozy breathe talking loudly in my face or stepping on my toes on the dance floor. I enjoy going dancing, but I think my going out vibe can be saved for once every one or two months unless there is something really special happening (a sci-fi theme birthday-see blade runner makeup above... or holiday party that can't be missed). I miss playing music and my son and I are turning part of our basement into a practice area for our future musical projects.
   The cycle of change is an interesting animal. As I grow and explore and discover myself, the things that bring me joy have certainly changed. Obviously, hanging out in bars (since I no longer drink at all) isn't much fun. I do enjoy staying up very late on occasion, but not so much when I'm out and about. My favorite late nights are spent at home lost deep in the depths of a creative project, sewing dresses, purses or working on my book. Day times are spent immersed in the domestic arts (baking, mending, writing, homesteading, herbal studies and of course there's always that four letter word, WORK). Truly most of the activities that bring me happiness are solitary pursuits. I've found myself feeling a little isolated in the last year. It has been a grand period of growth and development but I am a deeply social creature at my core and I miss the artistic/social community I was once a part of. But everything feels so different because I am so different now.

  This months marks 18 months of abstinence from alcohol (and 2 years since I re-entered the single mama path) In the last 2 years I have done so much work on myself and our family life. I want to create a safe, ever nurturing environment for my kids. I want to seek out only loving relationships. 2 years ago, I wasn't feeling too spiritually or emotionally healthy. Not only my romantic relationship, but many so called "friends", were pretty toxic. In the process of untangling myself from unhealthy emotional ties I have also come to realize that it is very integral to my well being to help others. Mother Earth, animals, people. I need to radiate calm and love and ask myself  "Am I being helpful, am I being kind" many times a day in order to stay on the path. It is more important to try and figure out how I may be of use to others in a healthy way instead of ever asking how will this help me. Self seeking is something that seems such a part of our society (at least in the city) and moving away from that selfishness feels so good!  Working towards balance and finding my place within a new sort of healthy, creative community is part of my daily work. A big part of that community is the friendship with wonderful ladies I have "met" through this blog. There are so many sweet and kindred spirits out there connected and found through an internet spiders web.

  Growing up in a tumultuous environment left me to have an anxious constitution always fearing the worst would happen. I'm trying to retrain myself and gradually my anxiety and fear of future things is lessening. Now when I have a panic attack it's a big deal and extra freaky snce it happens so infrequently. Panic used to be a daily constant. I'm also working on finding the silver linings... My sewing machine broke a few months ago (and I haven't the money to buy another right now) so I moped about it for a week and then just picked up my needle and started hand sewing and I'm really into it. I've been making these little drawstring purses out of antique and vintage fabric (cutting into antique quilt remnants). The bags are just the right size for tarot cards. So far I'm making them for special friends but they will make their way into the shop this spring.
  Now I'm off to be a busy worker bee and take pics for the shops and then hopefully hunt out some magical nettles beneath the trees. Happy Sunday friends! xo m

No comments:

Post a Comment

please leave a comment, I usually respond within the comments section. thank you for reading.