where I've been...

  I've been away from this space for two weeks! I do try to keep my blog somewhat light and bright but I need to explain a bit of what's been going on with me. A few weeks ago I went through an "episode" of really terrible abdominal pain (plus a host of other fun symptoms- I'll spare u all the deats...). For days I was laying in bed with a hot water bottle, pain pills not helping, curled up in a ball crying because it was a level of pain so excruciating, I felt out of my mind. I made it into the dr and then the gastroenterologist a few days later and test after test after lab etc was ordered. All kinds of big bads had to be ruled out and they were, one by one, day by day, but the waiting was also pretty painful and soooo stressful. I was in a little black hole of depression and anxiety. Lastly,  I got my first (and hopefully only) ct scan. I drank weird thick liquid and was poked while trying not to stare at all the poor folks who were gravely ill waiting for their scans. It was normal. I'm good.

 I am fine. "You are really, really healthy!" My dr said. But years of anxiety and stress and freakouts have conditioned my GI to be hyper reactive and way sensitive. I've always been this way. But the older I get (and the more stress that's piled on) the worse my insides are. And then there's the whole, am I wheat sensitive or celiac and to actually find out I'd have to eat substantial amounts of wheat for a couple weeks before getting the test and I'd rather just avoid it. My most recent episode was triggered after I had a few major french bakery binges and I just know I feel best when I avoid wheat, heck all grains...  I'm trying to listen to my body,  and ignore that nagging voice in my mind that wants to worry about weirdo "what ifs". 
  Anxiety is such a strange coping mechanism. Somehow I decided, as a little girl, that if I worried about all kinds of insanely elaborate crazy things, they'd never happen, and they didn't. Other truly bad actual things happened but I was too consumed in my fantasy world to acknowledge the real life frights. I guess the anxiety served me then but it doesn't work for me anymore. My mind is so tied to my body and all that worrying manifest physical symptoms to a startling degree. I'm working on my more worthwhile coping skills, like yoga, meditation, creating, spending time with friends and my little ones and just getting outside as often as possible.

   And as much as I hate to admit it, a Paleo style diet (local fish and grass fed meat) is really working for me. At least I feel physically well. I have an enormous ethical conflict of interest as an animal lover and former vegan, but I can't survive on only nuts and veggies. Dairy, Soy and all beans make me ill and the wheat, ugh. I've been bothered by rice for a while as well and yep, all grains. I hope as my stress management improves and I get my tummy (etc...) back to a place of vitality and wellness I can cut back/eliminate meat and reintroduce beans and a grain or two... and so yeah, I'm feeling better, alive and out of the darkness, free of fear.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you about blueberry picking and oh those figs! I have so many!! I want to make some sort of fig preserves with them. I love them! Here's to brightness and more summer. xo m