I miss him. At least right now in this moment. I was reading a novel and the main character is talking about her big college romance and my thoughts drift to my most recent (and longest) relationship. The one that was going to be the last one, it... No more ever, Just him and me and us and life... and it didn't work out that way. I wonder if it's actually even hi that I miss. I think I sort of miss my ideas of what I wanted for us. It's hard letting go of future dreams that will never come to pass. Not exactly like that and not with him...
I find myself pondering single-ness in my emotional moments and feeling so lost/adrift/odd. It all feels so strange and I want to run to the all encompassing, distracting "security" (confinement) of a heavy relationship. But I don't. I'm doing what I want and getting to know myself, creating this life I've always wanted for myself and my children and working (always working) but working towards something better and writing. More and more everyday and keeping a notebook/journal in my bag for ideas.
Paying rent and bills is a monthly struggle/achievement. I try to luxuriate in the few days after rents been paid (ah the pressure's off!) when I can breathe a giant sigh of relief, take a day off, go out to breakfast with the kids, maybe buy a $10 magazine, before I need to start squirreling away every dollar in anticipation of the next rent day.
Tomorrow is the day off, wind down, relax, make a trip to the library and plant seeds in our neglected garden.
Still, I miss him. Or the idea of him. Or just having someone... xo m