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Monday, September 13, 2010

letting go...

  Last week was difficult for me. I have always struggled with anxiety when it comes to having some sort of confrontation or evaluating a relationship. I've come to realize that when it's more unpleasant to be around someone than it is to be away from them (as in the prospect of possibly having that person out of your life permanently), it's time for a talk or well, it's time to let go and walk away and admit that this relationship is not serving anyone in a positive way. It's so hard to let go. I  am in a place now where I try to talk to the person instead of having an angry blow up (as in my teens and 20's) but no matter how delicately you try to broach the subject of whatever the concern may be, you're still making a judgement (which feels lame in itself, to evaluate another persons coping techniques or ways of being...)and no one wants to hear that. Last week my attempt at opening up a talk was met by anger, sarcasm and I don't even know what else but I expected that and well, breaking up is hard to do... Harder to break up with a female friend than a boyfriend, to me. Female friendships can become so complex and multi-layered. I'm trying to learn to be a better friend and to me that means honesty and being real.
  I want to respect and hold in my heart the love I have for what the friendship once was but it just isn't growing and I'm not interested in standing still and pretending that the distance isn't impossible for me to notice. I have to release it.

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