The Autumn rain has finally started. I was really starting to wonder. It felt as if Summer had set in for good. Flowers and leaves, awake and unfolding at the wrong time. Everything in nature seemed out of sync and slightly confused. A couple weeks ago I journey to the little island of Vashon with one of my oldest friends (I have been friends with the lovely Carey for 25 years! It boggles my mind because it seems like just yesterday we were dancing to Bauhaus at the all ages dance club... Time is such a silly thing!). The weather that day was unseasonably warm and so bright.
We fell a little in love with this magical coffee house that had hundreds of kinds of tea and was housed in an old dance hall. The building also contained a vintage book store and a health food grocery. Locals came in doing their daily shopping or coffee getting and it was every bit the picture of idyllic small town life. Nearly everyone was wearing some sort of groovy pnw vibe sweater and most people seemed to know one another.
I was struggling with envy and judgement today. My daughter goes (on scholarship) to a private school. I love the school. We have had our struggles there (Not long ago, I posted about a bullying situation. In the conference with the teachers I agreed to trust them to facilitate healing and resolution. And things are, thankfully, improving in that area). I am very active and involved at the school. Still, it is hard for me, at times, to reserve judgement about the other parents.It's difficult to be surrounded by so many apparently blissfully happy, excessively moneyed folks and not feel a little bitter, jealous... I try to park my old volvo a block away so that when it invariably won't start (fuse terminal, wiring, short? I have problems about daily, every other day if I'm lucky) and I have to open the fuse box and fuss around in it for several minutes to get it to start, I don't have an audience of lookers on.. I get very wrapped up in my own day to day and imagine that these people have it easy, have no idea of struggle. But, for the most part, I don't know their stories. I can only control my own. Still the envy is there. I suggested, to the pta-which I am a part of, that we have our own funds for the group becasue not everyone (Hi, Me! I can't afford it!) should be expected to buy needed materials or coffee and snacks for large group meetings out of their own pocket. They were kinda like, Huh? But then understood and agreed it was a great idea... meh. Oct is a difficult transition month for work and I'm always feeling extra overwhelmed by the bills while less money is coming in.
All that said, I have decided to go back to school. I'm actually only a handful of credits away from my AA and want to close in on a BA and then go to grad school. Big dreams. I had always envisioned going back to school in my 50s or 60s (when I had the time, haha) But I have a few friends (some of them single mamas) who have done it or are doing it and I think now is the time for me to try. This last week was a whirlwind of meetings at the school and testing and paperwork and online clicking and sending... I start on Jan 5th for winter. I'm pretty excited!!
We are immersed back in the land of OZ. I love these books and their old timey wording and delicacy. The art is so pretty and there are so many OZ books, although some of pretty boring and lack to pizzazz of the ones we love.
I took a couple pictures of books so I wouldn't forget to try and find them for my gal. The art in Marigold Garden is so pretty!
Now it is Saturday. The day after Halloween. It rained heavily the entire evening. Wet feet, soggy candy, cranky kids. Super sugar hangovers and sniffly noses today. I let my little one watch the magic schoolbus which I will surely regret. Every time I use cartoons as a babysitter it turns out badly. But she woke up at 6am today (on school days I have to drag her out of bed at 7:15! But weekends she always wakes up by 6) and I just couldn't... I wanted to sleep more, I only got about 15 mins of sleep before the puppy started fussing around naughtily. xo m
All that said, I have decided to go back to school. I'm actually only a handful of credits away from my AA and want to close in on a BA and then go to grad school. Big dreams. I had always envisioned going back to school in my 50s or 60s (when I had the time, haha) But I have a few friends (some of them single mamas) who have done it or are doing it and I think now is the time for me to try. This last week was a whirlwind of meetings at the school and testing and paperwork and online clicking and sending... I start on Jan 5th for winter. I'm pretty excited!!
I feel you on the struggle with jealousy re: perceived privilege of others. It comes up for me with clients even, ones that have oodles of money and free time, while i am scraping for resources of all kinds...I have to dig deep to sit in compassion during those times. Also, having nannied in affluent communities, I think I know exactly the kind of parents you are dealing with. I'm glad you are advocating for yourself and your daughter, and I also feel sad to hear how you have to hide your real self and life...my wish for you would to be in a place where the other parents have car trouble too, and come out to keep you company and offer help when your car doesn't start.
ReplyDeletethat tea shop! oh, i wish i was there right now, such a good place to spend several hours. what kind of tea did you get? and oz books! ever swoony. hope today finds you better rested. xo