I am delicate. I have ptsd and a hair trigger with stimulants. It takes me many, many times of repeated behavior before I learn that certain things just do not work for me. I'm not sure why I feel the compulsion to try some things again and again, ignoring the past. I did a little work today regarding coffee and my love hate relationship with black gold. And by "work" I mean that I foolishly had a latte' then had the first intensely physical panic attack I've had in months. When I get a physical panic attack, I'm short of breath, get tingly fingers and toes, my head pounds, my heart races and my vision gets blurry. I become irrationally convinced that I'm going to faint or have a heart attack due to some undiagnosed mystery ailment. If I'm in public I have to get to a "safe" place (my house, my car, a trusted friends) It can go on for hours, hard or with peaks and valleys. Afterwards I feel completely depleted and wrung out. It's awful. It wasn't worth the latte', that's the truth.
chill out/safe cds in the car. I sat quietly, shut my eyes, concentrated on my breath and imagined long ago Versailles full of ladies in lovely pastel gowns with fancy, party hair.
Now, there is laundry to fold, bedtime poetry to read and we are all super excited because tomorrow we're adding a special new friend to the family... Can you guess? xo m