Most of life (until only a few years ago) was spent in hiding, avoiding the feelings I found too painful to feel as a child. My Mother was unable to care for me so my Grandparents became my guardians and while they provided for my immediate needs it was less than ideal and there was abuse (under the guise of old fashioned discipline) and very little emotional security or affection. It's all so complicated and not really something I want to explore in depth in this space but I wanted to share a bit... For some reason, my Grandmother has decided that, since my little one was born, she will come up every year and spend a week staying with us. It is a week I pretty much dread and after every visit I swear I won't let her come again because the psychic and physical (my anxiety always turns into a physical illness) toll it takes is unbearable.
This last visit was by far the heaviest. I am deep into my 3rd year of therapy, plus I have been practicing meditation and exploring my spirituality more devotedly in the last year (also, I am in my 7th month of complete sobriety and abstinence from all things alcoholic etc). Let's just say I am very very aware and present and have worked hard to create a world that is comfortable and kind. Having my Grandmother in our space really challenged my sanity. It felt as if I was on the edge of a breakdown for several days. I know that she is on her own path and I can't force my view on her but her opinions and lack of being able to observe and see others (me and my children) drives me crazy. I felt as if I was a little child again, unsafe and adrift, unnoticed and in the way... It was a very frustrating time for me. She left on Thursday and I had to spend all day Thursday and Friday in bed, fighting a virus (psychic illness??) and the stomach pains etc that for me, accompany panic attacks.
I woke up this morning feeling stronger and safer. Ready to continue this journey I am on and vowing to only have people staying in our home who are sweet and kind. And yes, yesterday I fell down a rabbit hole of streaming tv (Nashville!!! oh wow!) to soothe my tired mind... here's to a lovely weekend! xo m
This last visit was by far the heaviest. I am deep into my 3rd year of therapy, plus I have been practicing meditation and exploring my spirituality more devotedly in the last year (also, I am in my 7th month of complete sobriety and abstinence from all things alcoholic etc). Let's just say I am very very aware and present and have worked hard to create a world that is comfortable and kind. Having my Grandmother in our space really challenged my sanity. It felt as if I was on the edge of a breakdown for several days. I know that she is on her own path and I can't force my view on her but her opinions and lack of being able to observe and see others (me and my children) drives me crazy. I felt as if I was a little child again, unsafe and adrift, unnoticed and in the way... It was a very frustrating time for me. She left on Thursday and I had to spend all day Thursday and Friday in bed, fighting a virus (psychic illness??) and the stomach pains etc that for me, accompany panic attacks.
Oh honey, goddamn those old ghosts and so much more power to you for holding your own, holding onto your sanity, holding your love and your family. I can't wait to hash this out in person with you.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear this I have some family members that cause me no end of stress as well. If she upsets you so deeply guard your heart for sure keep your home as a safe haven. That is your special place be brave and hold on to that truth Love Heather
ReplyDeleteAw Mindy, I"m sorry to not have read this earlier. You speak with so much bravery and grace, and you have certainly been in the fire. When I work with clients, I often try to normalize for them that going home/spending time with fam will feel like all their hard work is coming undone. It's the biggest challenge of them all, to keep yourself in alignment with newer, healthier patterns when the family system makes you feel like you are 12 again. I hope you are in the midst of re-membering the awesome of you and that you made it through the rest of the visit (relatively) unscathed. xo
ReplyDeleteladies, thank you so much for your sweet comments! xoxo
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