hard choices...

   There is a lovely blog called Bluebirdbaby that I have always held very dear. The author of this blog, Erin, has the calming ability of conveying brightness and positivity almost constantly and I feel truly grateful that she shares her thoughts in the blog realm (and that she chooses to have such a seemingly steadfast sunny disposition...). Recently she started a challenge of sorts. A year of choice. I excitedly accepted and felt ready to abide by my main imperative-which is to choose happiness over all those other negative emotions that seem to jump up so frequently. Life can be so funny, or maybe it's the universe, and all the little and BIG challenges that get tossed at us daily. There are moments when I want to scream and stomp my feet and cry "That's it, I can't take anymore, I give up!" but the universe doesn't really work that way and sometimes it keeps on piling challenge after challenge almost as if it's trying to test what you're made of, see how much one woman can bear... The answer is, A LOT. You can bear a lot. I mean, you have to. You can't just crawl into a cave and give up lying in defeat. Life moves on and children need to be taken care of, jobs completed, dinner made, dishes washed etc. You carry on because you ahead of you, even in the darkness, there is a tiny spot of brightness, somewhere and you need to move towards it. And sometimes, even when I'm miserable, choosing to be happy, even pretending to be happy, forcing myself to put on a silly smile, like you're trying on a pretty dress, well, it starts to work and you can feel a little bit of happy sinking into your soul and healing your heart a bit.
  Today we got some difficult news. I don't want to go into it too much out of respect for my family's privacy but it involves a health issue that, while it doesn't kill you, is going to be a lifelong struggle (and there is a lot of unfair stigma in our society around it). So, here we are faced with a fresh challenge. At first, I was SO PISSED, then, upset, sad, teary, wanted to break something. I was just feeling solid, then this!! I went downstairs and did some laundry. My best girlfriend called and we talked and she helped me see that, while the diagnosis is frustrating, it's better to know what you're dealing with so that then you can approach the situation with at least an idea and some understanding of what you need and how to help yourself heal and function in the most positive way. I am choosing to see this as a good thing. I'm relieved to finally know what we're dealing with instead of trying to sleuth out what is happening and treat earlier, improper diagnosis. I feel hopeful that relief is ahead.
  A few years ago I would've never been able to choose a path of positivity. I instantly followed the path of drama, hysterics, anger... On occasion, I do react poorly but generally I feel like I am choosing how to view any given situation, rather than falling victim to feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in depression or anger. I want to follow my heart into a happy place. I want to find that. Seek it out with all my being.

   I am so thankful that bits and pieces of sun are sneaking out this month! It seems all the pictures on my camera are of food and baking so tomorrow there will have to be a foody post! Happy Wednesday friends!