May!

  It has been a month that I've been away. Not actually "away" but just not visiting this space. I've missed it. It just seemed that at the end of the day (when I usually write posts), after my little one goes to bed, I'm pretty tired and not in the mood to do much but nonsensically gripe...  (and here comes the complaining...) The antibiotics we were on at the end of March to their toll and we've been working hard to take and eat as many probiotics as possible. and then there was/is the whole turmoil of my car. I was given a "free" car by my daughter's grandpa a couple years ago. The problem is, it's a luxury car and extremely expensive to fix, so I knew that when problems started arising I would not be able to afford the astronomical repairs (I can barely afford the synthetic oil!). There have been a few car issues the last few weeks and yesterday we ended up broken down on the side of the road. We're still waiting to hear from the mechanic but it doesn't look good. I wouldn't mind if we were more centrally located but 5 years ago we moved further away from the city and there is nothing in walking distance and my kiddos schools are on the other side of town. Then there is my work... I drive around thrifting all day and sell at flea markets and my vintage shops. Maybe the universe is telling me to move back to the Capitol Hill? Maybe I need a different job? I don't know,  but it's an annoying situation, grateful we are healthy and able to have a "luxury" problem such as the car but it directly affects my income and I feel major (extra!) money $tre$$ now.  Wishing I lived in a village or on an island where everything was within walking or biking distance.
 

 I don't deal well with indecision, or not knowing what comes next. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed & trapped. Then there's the whole question of, how much longer can I even afford to try and stay in Seattle. It's gotten impossible to be able to afford rent with one income. Looking around at what's out there in the rental market is dismal.... ahhh, I'm just so bummin right now! See why I've stayed away? Deep thoughts, big decisions need to be made and it's hard times inside my head...

 Nettle season passed by in the blink of an eye. My little gal harvested her first nettles. She didn't get stung once! Every day there are fresh greens and more flowers in bloom. The daily weather is ever switching back and forth. Often suddenly between overly sunny warmth and intense gloomy rain.

 The Wisteria appeared! The lilacs are waning quickly.  I keep finding cards on the street, always hearts and diamonds... Or my birth card, the Queen of Clubs...

 This little guy is a handful. It's like having a baby. Not quite as hard but similar in so many ways.

  It's hard for me to let go of worry and just "be" and do what I need to do, one thing at a time. I spend too much time worrying about imaginary future "what ifs" and, while I am improving and working on it, I still slip into worrying-anxiety-freak outs in times of stress and transition.  So not only am I trying to solve a problem situation or make a tough decision, I also feel awful fretting... Right now, I'm going to take a hot shower and imagine all the cares and worries washing away and going down the drain! xo m