fall apart

  Last week, the black clouds descended and I was left hopeless, limp and quiet for days. Tears fell frequently and I was overly emotional. A moon cycle, mourning a love lost, financial stress, school uncertainty, struggling with accepting the changes in rhythm-when my car broke (yet again), endless cold in the drafty house, kids that argue over wearing coats and then the light bulb in the fridge went out and I burnt the toast (the little things are always the last straw when I am frustrated) and it seemed the world was ending...  Saturday morning I went to a meeting of women I love and trust and cried and laughed and felt their openness, love and support. I was lifted, enfolded in kindness. I could see out of the greyness that had, moments before, seemed all around me.

 Depression is a strange creature. It feeds on lonliness, sleep deprivation, stress... When I feel dark now, I instantly seek out the wisdom and company of my dearest friends, I call my therapist, I watch a fluffy episode of Gilmore girls, I eat chocolate and know that the feeling will pass. I just have to busy myself and keep moving forward. I used to enjoy really wallowing in my bummer trips but that only made me sadder. I choose happiness.
  Lessening stress is something I am working on. Even fun, exciting things (like all the planning involved in going back to school) are stressful to me. I'm delicate. I can be tough and a warrior but basically I'm a soft, tender hearted lady who is easily shaken cuz I am so hyper aware and want to avoid big problems so I'm always evaluating things like "wait is this ok??" just to be cautious. I think as time goes on I will be less easily jarred by the little challenges of life but right now I'm learning and discovering what works for me as a healthy adult.

 I did get to see Death in June last week. I nearly bailed on going because I was having this really nervous day with awful "prom night butterflies" in my stomach all day. The minute I got there, all my anxiety dissolved. The show was euphoric, haunting and transporting. It felt so intimate-certainly less than 100 people there. The energy field onstage was as dark as my blackest dreams. Douglas P played my most favorite DIJ song, "Fall Apart". I had this wonderful moment of intoxicating pure perfection while he played it. Consumed with the feeling that everything is alright and exactly as it should be. Shadows followed me home. The words echoing in my mind...

And shall I wake from Dreams
For the Glory of Nothing
For the cracking of the Sun
For the crawling down of Lies?
And if We fall from Dreams
Shall we push them into Darkness
And stare into the Howling
And clamber into Night?
And if I fall from Dreams
All my Prayers are Silenced
To Love is to lose
And to lose is to Die...

And why did you say
That things shall fall
And fall and fall and fall
And fall apart?

  It was heavy. I was pondering it for days...

...and these two are buddies. Nothing heavy there. My cat, Thomas, is kind of a jerk. He doesn't care for anyone. He tolerates me, when he's in the mood but really he's a super sensitive, prone to flip on a dime, sort of guy. My tiny dog, Viggo has wormed his way into Thomas' heart. They lay together! They cuddle. This cat is not a cuddler. It's beautiful and hopeful. I love these guys.
  Tomorrow I'll be back with some project talk. I haven't been writing cuz I was feeling sad and binging on Peaky Blinders (ladies... Cillian...) but I'm feeling oh so much better. When I was bummin we spent days in the back yard weeding and prepping the garlic bed and that also helped me feel a million times better! Now off to bed for me. xo m

Goodbye my sweet Domino

  Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our special girl, Domino. We only had her for 2 years but she had so much personality and was the friendliest, most loving cat ever. I feel totally heartbroken and lost today. The house seems so quiet and empty without her lovely spirit.

 Domino is the only cat I have ever gotten to do tricks, it was the cutest thing.

  My little one is so sad but at the same time asking for a baby kitten. Tonight we're watching movies and eating oranges and it feels unbearable to sit on the couch as it was Domino's favorite perch. We loved that little cat like crazy. xo m

safe

  Most of life (until only a few years ago) was spent in hiding, avoiding the feelings I found too painful to feel as a child. My Mother was unable to care for me so my Grandparents became my guardians and while they provided for my immediate needs it was less than ideal and there was abuse (under the guise of old fashioned discipline) and very little emotional security or affection. It's all so complicated and not really something I want to explore in depth in this space but I wanted to share a bit... For some reason, my Grandmother has decided that, since my little one was born, she will come up every year and spend a week staying with us. It is a week I pretty much dread and after every visit I swear I won't let her come again because the psychic and physical (my anxiety always turns into a physical illness) toll it takes is unbearable.
  This last visit was by far the heaviest. I am deep into my 3rd year of therapy, plus I have been practicing meditation and exploring my spirituality more devotedly in the last year (also, I am in my 7th month of complete sobriety and abstinence from all things alcoholic etc). Let's just say I am very very aware and present and have worked hard to create a world that is comfortable and kind. Having my Grandmother in our space really challenged my sanity. It felt as if I was on the edge of a breakdown for several days. I know that she is on her own path and I can't force my view on her but her opinions and lack of being able to observe and see others (me and my children) drives me crazy.  I felt as if I was a little child again, unsafe and adrift, unnoticed and in the way... It was a very frustrating time for me. She left on Thursday and I had to spend all day Thursday and Friday in bed, fighting a virus (psychic illness??) and the stomach pains etc that for me, accompany panic attacks.

  I woke up this morning feeling stronger and safer. Ready to continue this journey I am on and vowing to only have people staying in our home who are sweet and kind. And yes, yesterday I fell down a rabbit hole of streaming tv (Nashville!!! oh wow!) to soothe my tired mind... here's to a lovely weekend! xo m

home...

This morning I was high on the magic of last nights Lavender Diamond show (it was SO STUNNING and Becky Stark is the nicest lady!!) and now I am finding myself so sad, frustrated and just damn bummed. We need better gun laws people, what happened today in Connecticut is terribly heartbreaking. Sending white light and love out to the people of earth. Love everyone.


This song has been with me all day. xo m

allergies & asthma

   Oh my dear sweet girl... My little one has all sorts of allergies. Peanuts & sesame seeds are anaphylactic, then there's dust, cats, pollen, all grasses. She's sensitive to any artificial scents and soooo many foods. After a major asthma attack that had her in the hospital, I started her on what they said would work (singulaie & flovent), and it did... and then, the side effects started... I didn't even realize the problems could be related to her meds until today. I thought she's just been acting out these last ten months (and she started these meds right at the time her papa moved out so I attributed her behavior to the breakup...).

  I look forward to getting her back on a more natural path and finding relief without nasty mind altering drugs that change her into a mini monster. What have you tried that has helped with asthma & allergies? I'd love to hear about it. xo m

paint it black...

  Have I used that title before? Probably... I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of transition right now. I made it a goal, many months ago, the be willing to follow change and stop resisting (as was my way for, oh, my entire life!) and it is bringing new things and good changes and goals etc... but every so often I just feel this intense emotional melt down-ness! I slip into my mind and stay in, this time my black mood comes on during my little ones first illness of many months (my emo-sesh was probably brought on by pms, lack of sleep and stress over her...). I keep trying to just pretend I'm oh so light and happy, little miss positive cuz sooner or later I'll start to become that if I emulate it hard enough... Or the black clouds will pack up and sweep away once my hormones level out. The annoyance and disdain I feel for other people is so consuming it's embarrassing to admit... So yeah, holding onto John Waters "Role Models" and soothing my senses with Vampire Diaries streaming until I feel a bit more sunny.  Gimme a few days and it will pass... xo m

S.

  I decided today that I would write about you. Maybe a zine, a collection of collected fragments, journal entries,  memories, thoughts... in an attempt to bury this thing I've been carrying around for almost a year. I want to be rid of it. It's no longer thrilling, it's a little painful. I'm starting to feel kind of weird when I see you, like maybe I'm crazy and imagined that you were showing interest. 

  I cannot like someone that doesn't like me back at all, at all... That's always been a rule and worked out fine until now. Every time I am ready to close my heart to you completely, you give me the tiniest bit of something enough to make me feel for you again... I thought that it was finished and done the last time I saw you (you were super staring at me, staring at me, staring at me every chance you got, When your friend went to the bar, you came over and made some, at first awkward but then, pretty adorable conversation-the night went on, more looks, more chit chat etc, I told my girlfriend "this is it, it's happening" and then next thing I know, you're leaving with your friends, walking right past me without even saying bye), I could turn my back to you and say "I'm over it" and really mean it but I can't. I pretend I have self respect and think you're rude, childish and just messed up inside but... Instead I stay home and get all gloomy and watch Wuthering Heights and Blue Valentine and read Sylvia Plath. This crush is a bad one... I haven't been hit so hard since that guy with pink hair (I can't even type his name) when I was 16...

  I feel like you're all mixed up and hurting and I'm the only one who'd ever love you enough to make it all go away. I know that this is an unhealthy feeling on my part. Honestly, I realize,  it has nothing to even do with you, all of this. It's me... I've become good at unraveling the threads of attraction. I enjoy falling in love with my mind, all the ideas of what you'd be like, things we'd do together... Humans are such complex creatures made up by layer upon layer of experience... I seek out game playing, wounded, aloof, creative, intense... freaks.

     Writing page after page about you today made me want to talk to you. Go up to you the next time I see you and say "So do you like me, or what?" but honestly, I don't want to hear you even say it. I feel like no matter what you say, I already know that yes, you do, or at least did. And that should be enough. I'm trying to forget all the special, magical traits I'm sure you have. Trying to just pretend I don't care and one day I'll wake up and be free... xo m

the way it is...

  It's not easy changing your personality. Going from being a pretty emotionally unhealthy romance junkie (who is always in a relationship-usually overlapping somewhat) who chases after "the strong silent type" (um, emotionally withholding men...) to being a self sufficient, independent steadfastly single lady. I am really determined to not get caught up in just another relationship drama. I need to work on undoing these patterns I've been acting out my entire life. The next time I get involved with someone I want to be more whole and fully devoted to my children and self firstly, us firmly on the path to emotional healthiness. freedom... I want to be good and clear headed. I really wanted my ex to move out and for him to move on and now that he's out, we're both so much lighter and happier and of course, we have a kid together so I still see him and I can't help but feel that bit of a pull back to him. I won't act on it. We were wrong together and all that it's just hardddd! So hard to make the new life that I want. All the change doesn't come without pain and difficulty.
  I can only keep pursuing my goals... children, work on my (mini) line, keep listing vintage, blending new teas, expanding our city homestead, meeting new people, spending more time w friends, saving my change for a visit to see my bff in ny. figuring out what single mama of two looks like for me. I've never done this before. It's all new every day I'm crafting the life I seek. It's pretty magical and wonderful but every other night or so, after kids go to bed, I find tears in my eyes and I can't stop crying. It's a struggle and a little like a roller coaster but I will come through it all (eventually) transformed, reborn. xo m
 

is that all there is?

  And that's that... The man who was my partner/best friend/everything, on and off for the last 8 years, finally moved out the last of his things yesterday and gave me back the keys. It was a long time coming but I wasn't prepared for the sadness and despair I felt upon his walking out the door (or the hours of tears that followed) and while he rushed off to meet a gang of dudes to have brotherly beers, I was tending to a sick little one, hoping the older child didn't get the bug and nursing my own tummy/cold... When we were together we were constantly disagreeing and bickering-it felt so unpleasant and dead to me. Now that it's done, I can't help but remember all the happy times-even if they were years ago, they come flooding in makes me want to wallow in a sense of loss so strong it threatens to overtake me. I also feel fear. Being a single mom to 2 is not easy. I did it before when my son was little and that was hard, and I only had 1 child... ok, so enough woe is me. Had to get that out there, feel it, accept it in order to turn my face to the sun and open up to the possibilities that are ahead... And I go t a long awaited hair cut-long layers.... spring is here!

 seeds are starting to grow! Now to prepare the garden0which is such a mess.

I need to figure out how to revamp my blog and add an amazon bookshelf and such... and on the to do list in general there are a MILLION things! xo m

monday, monday...

  Today is one of those days where everything feels difficult. I feel like I'm floating through water and not able to get too excited about work, sewing or anything. I've been burning the candle at both ends and working through a difficult transition the last couple months and it's catching up with me now... Time to breathe and have a cup of tea and read a book or something. I just need a personal day I guess...

  And, while it seemed that spring was upon us, it snowed last night! xo m

one of those weeks...

  Our kitty, Domino was in the hospital for a whole week! Now that she's home she doesn't seem much like herself, hopefully still recovering, but very quiet and nervous and her back legs will be partially paralyzed permanently so no more outside for her. She no longer has that cat ability to always land on her feet, it's really sad...

    I've been working everyday and am feeling more than a little burnt out but, with the pressure of looming bills, I have no choice. Looking forward to a day of, in the not so distant horizon...

   The little lady has been a great helper. On sunny days, taking pictures is easy (not so on days like yesterday when my hat kept blowing away!) and she comes outside to assist. See those shoes? Bright green Dr. Martins mary janes! Score of the week to be sure!

  Today i s for more spring cleaning (and a little work), really trying to make room and get rid of the junk that is just clutter and not needed at all... We're in the middle of an icy wind storm. Last week I was so sure that spring has arrived (so many warm and sunny days) but winter stepped in to make sure she gets the last word.  Happy Monday friends! xo m

autumns approach...

  Technically, there are a handful of summer days left, but here, it's all autumn already. The temperature really dropped last night and I'm hoping it doesn't get too cold as I wanna squeeze a few more tomatoes out of this years wimpy harvest. If not, I LOVE fried green tomatoes! I need to make a few more batches of jam this week as we've been breezing through jar after jar.

   The squash are doing well and growing crazily...

   The little lady went back to preschool (just two mornings a week but still a very big deal for us).

  A late afternoon sunbreak through some real dark clouds... I'm taking it easy and trying not to be too demanding of myself, mentally and physically. The car accident last weekend left me feeling beyond wiped out and very bummed, adding to that a long lost high school friend passing away and I need some quiet time. This weekend will bring the county fair and some farm dreaming (looking at all the sweet animals gets me scheming about our future farm). Happy friday friends... xo m

lazy days...

  I'm feeling sorta sick, like I'm fighting a back to school cold or maybe just the after effects of saturdays car crash-we're all ok buy I'm still sore... Maybe I'm just bummed, dealing with my old pal pms... Just spending a few days reading watching the occasional movie...

also, fall is setting in. xo m

when it rains it pours...

  Last week ended up being a stressful crazy time. I had the best intentions of making the effort to post everyday but it seems that anytime I set a goal like that things happen that demand so much of my attention that posting is the last thing on my mind.

 On Tuesday we were spending time downtown looking around and when we got home I noticed that our kitty, Tommy seemed a little out of it. A tiny wound that he got over a month (that healed quickly and I watched for 2 weeks) had developed and abscess deep under the surface. A big one, it was terrible. He had to get surgery to remove it and is on a 10 day coarse of antibiotics. The worst part about it is that he has to wear a cone on his neck so he can't get at the stitches. He really hates the cone.

   And then our neighbor decides that (even though we gave him the courtesy of asking him, which we didn't need to do-and we built it legally and followed the coop building laws) he would like us to move our un-movable chicken coop to the middle of our backyard. He's one of those cranky types that has nothing better to do than complain and it's just one thing after another with him and we've never asking anything of him. Big damn headache. And we're not moving it so now we get to have a huge war with him cuz he won't be happy until we jump through his little hoops and do what he wants. Help!

   The Prada shoes (on sale, $169.) that I thankfully didn't splurge on cuz all our money is going to pay for vet bills.

   At least the garden is being easy going and giving us good food and staying pest free.

  And now my little gal and I are sick... Here's to hoping that  this week, a tide change happens and things lighten up...

everything all the time forever...

  The last few days I've felt like I'm sifting through more thoughts in my head than I really process into words.  There has been much tea sipping and journal writing and rosary making (not a real "rosary" but beads and metal joined together rosary style...). Here's the sun room sitting spot where I try to slip away to with my morning tea.

   There was a ho-hum yardsale a couple weeks ago but I scored a ton of awesome cookie cutters (most were super old) for 10 cents each. I was really happy! I really needed a circle one. I got like, 10 circle ones.

   This teeny spade is a favorite.

  Ok, back to bead making and watching really tragic love stories where people die from exposure and prolonged sickness. I'm so romantic. xo m

all things must pass...

      Honesty is the beast policy... Our spring has been so slow to come, winter went on and on... I have been feeling so blue and anxious. I've been out of this space waiting for test after test to come back, thinking maybe I had hyperthyroidism and what that would mean... all tests came back good and I (and my thyroid) are fine. I've been making a real effort to eat super healthy and avoid my allergens (dairy and wheat-so so hard!!), no alcohol, no caffeine (green tea on occasion) no refined sugars... going to yoga, laying in the sun when it peeks out, working on garden projects... I'm starting to feel better, well starting to feel not terrible.
  Depression and anxiety are emptiness-I don't really feel anything. There's just this shadow over me, disconnected blackness. The awful bleakness of looking at strangers as they smile and laugh, I'm thinking, "how can they be so happy, don't they feel how terrible everything is?" It's a big fight to pull myself out of it. Every year (around March) I think, "That's it, we're moving back to California. No more Northwest darkness" and then it becomes spring and I feel better. This year... I don't think it's even spring yet (and here we are nearly in summer). It seems like fall.

  Finally getting to know my ukulele a bit. I love that it's so small and portable. I can tune it myself and that is a big achievement! Off to dig up weeds. and maybe hit a few yard sales in a bit... xo m

coming out of the mist...

  It turns out, staying in the hospital for about a week with my (not so) little boy leaves me feeling quite depressed. I'm left with this feeling similar to coming home from a long vacation-minus the fun memories... The last week has been such an intense rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like my mental space has been invaded, corrupted and I'm left trying to reclaim my version of reality. Not only was I touched by my child's trial with illness, but touched by the lives of the other children (and parents) we saw and met. Also, I was amazed by the compassionate important work people are out there doing everyday. so many thought to process and give mind to. Hopefully soon I will be baking cookies and laughing and sitting in sunshine. Right now I feel a little shattered...