tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728085526778381192024-03-20T16:15:18.041-07:00honeyed heavengold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.comBlogger377125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-45810383490533900772015-04-07T22:46:00.000-07:002015-04-07T22:48:19.459-07:00hello spring <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I collect found playing cards and read them as tarot. The cards have to be directly in my path-meant for me. Honestly, I find them a lot! I hang out in thrift stores/bins, daily, so cards are around. Lately it's the 9 of hearts or 10 of hearts day after day, over and over, it's getting pretty funny. I feel good about it as the 9 (bliss, harmony- wishes fulfilled, happiness, pleasure, material gain) & the 10 (positivity, goals realized, excitement, transformation) of hearts (cups, as the correspond to the tarot) are extremely positive and just lovely. I think they're telling me to chill. I'm here. I have everything I need. I'm good. I want to appreciate life as it's unfolding before me. Be in it and love life as it is. It's been quite good.<br />
I wonder how much my life has actually changed or if it's just my perspective that has shifted and moved into a place of contentment and gratitude. I don't dig drama. I enjoy kindness, beauty and sweetness and don't think I have to accept instability or conflict as a part of "real" life. Of course I know, yes, unpleasant things happen, but I want to be able to deal with challenges without disappearing into a vortex of victim-hood. These days, I try to practice being a problem solver and focus on how to get to where I want to be instead of reclining on my fainting couch crying my eyes out and <i>woe is me</i>-ing myself into oblivion.. I just want to be happy so I look at the wonderful people, experiences and opportunities in my life and choose to pour my love and energy into them. <br />
My Tigress twin gave me this<i> </i>beyond amazing Crescent moon bag. It's the most beautiful little bag. A true token of love. <br />
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Interesting and intense developments in my earthly world and in the world of Tarot. My readings have been of a real expansive, transformative, positive big deal, romantic nature. Finally!a couple months back, I got used to seeing continual warnings (which I pretty much ignored) and was not loving my daily readings, so I took a break from Tarot for a bit. When I decided to take head of the Tarot advice and transition into a new phase/make changes, I came back to reading my cards and it's been lovely. <br />
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At the start of each season, I feel sure <i>IT</i> is my favorite. Seasons are each so beautiful, in their own right, as they're just getting going! Spring is just breathtaking. All the blooming purples, blues, pinks and bright leafy greens. Everything coming to life again and breaking out of Winter's dark slumber.<br />
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Nettles have been happening in a big way and I made <a href="http://veggiedesserts.co.uk/nettle-and-lemon-cake-with-lemon-icing-and-blackberries/">this nettle and lemon cake with blackberries</a>. It was delicious and pretty spring green. <br />
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I have no pictures to dazzle you with, proving how wonderful the lunar eclipse or full pink moon was. Take my word for it, the moon was stunning. It was a joy being able to actually see the lunar eclipse. It's usually far too overcast here. I've only ever seen a slight bit of past lunar eclipses through the layers of misty-ness. Saturday I saw the blood moon eclipse in perfect clarity and it made my head spin. Then came the full moon which was bright and bold. April's full moon is know as the Pink moon (or Hare moon) and it represents the verdant spring and fertility. That moon lit up the sky. <br />
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I stayed up all night. In the morning I wrote incoherent poetry and ate raspberries with cream for breakfast. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-80479579469998755462015-03-28T21:45:00.002-07:002015-06-08T07:22:40.769-07:00Mermaids<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have been deeply obsessed with Mermaids for the last 6 weeks or so. My final project for creative writing was developing, revising, discussing and editing a short fiction piece and mine ended up being about Mermaids. I was deep <i>in it</i> and I loved it. The altered state of creating (being the conduit that brings a story to life) is better than almost anything. I've had the idea (and many false starts) stored in my memory for about 6 months and I think the piece is just now moving in the direction of what it needs become, idealistically. In my experience, stories need to figure themselves out. I just translate as the information is revealed to me. I love that about writing. It's mysterious and magical. It breaks my heart and quietly puts it back together.<br />
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I've been actively daydreaming about picnics a ton and listening to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-XraF8tZM4">Father John Misty</a> around the clock. Boy, did he ever annoy me last year. His <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caMfvhKIgBo">new album came out on double vinyl 45 </a>and I was into the cover art so I impulsively bought it and spent a whole day falling way head over heels in love with it. Ladies, the <i>words...</i> Holy Moly, his wife is one lucky lady cuz that poetry is some deep and heavy stuff. I felt moved and really cool with clinging to my romantic ideals. I thought, "See, true romantics do exist!"<br />
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I've been taking the little miss nettle hunting. She's a natural, hasn't been stung yet. The plants, they love her. She can find what we're looking for before I spot them. Her innocent spirit, a beacon, to all those skittish green fairies. <br />
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These trees! The things they've seen. I enjoy their presence and imagine their origins and history.<br />
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Last week I sat in dwindling sunlight with a Libra-Wood Tigress sister (you guys, I have finally found a birthday twin! It's amazing!!). The sand was warm on top and chilled beneath. Our babes played and argued at the waters edge. In that moment, it all felt so damn fine. Everything calm and chill. I was comfortable in my own skin, and my heart was full of adoration for my darling friend. The breeze carried sounds of our fiery children bickering. It was all enough. <br />
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My dreams have been wild & intense. Recurrent dreams of myself walking through an unknown and icy forest with a dark wolf by my side. The wolf is fierce but calming. I'm visited night after night by this spirit wolf. It's pretty wonderful. I wake up feeling energetically charged and alert. I feel like the wolf is a male, or could represent a mortal man. Maybe the wolf is showing me the strength I feel in independence or illustrating my innate survival mode? Perhaps he represents freedom and the removal of obstacles/the ending of a relationship? I wonder what Freud and Jung would say... Honestly, I mostly wonder what Freud would say... I'm just into Freudian ideology. How did that happen?<br />
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When I read my cards, the 10 of cups and the high priestess come up <i>a lot.</i> It feels good and opening. I appreciate the abundance of energy and believe that inward reflection and awareness will lead to a path illuminated with golden light.<br />
I'm trying not to force and shape my way down the path I'm traveling, I want to proceed as it unfolds before me. Bright and beautiful. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-28760916416713667652015-02-17T09:49:00.002-08:002015-02-17T09:49:43.851-08:00Valentine <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Right now, I'm feeling lovely, all rosey, bright and optimistic. I'm in typical new moon, list making, manifesting mode. My sleep has been better and I've began cutting my coffee with decaf. I always teased my Grandma for doing 1/2 caff but I get it now! I am a quantity person so my coffee has to be less powerful. I accept it. <br />
Last week we had the flu. The dr thinks so. Whatever was going on, felt terrible. I was ridiculously tired and out of it. For 2 days I just laid about. I felt intense delirium whenever my gal summoned me (for juice, popsicles, to refill the hot water bottle or put a new movie on). I watched <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEfMQKaAhfs">Crow 1</a> &<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EptM-uLXUQY"> 2 </a>(2 was so so bad but the outfits were pretty 90s amazing), and season 6 or Parenthood. It was a foggy daze of senseless streaming... My dog makes a pretty sweet bed buddy/hot water bottle. Viggo Mortensen was surprisingly low maintenance during <i>the sickness</i>. I had all this homework to do. I did it, but the writing and my analytical powers were totally haywire. I turned in some goofy papers. I posted incoherent responses to online discussions. I dragged myself to piano class to poorly play an 8 second composition because my piano teacher <i>does not allow make up tests ever</i> and it was a midterm. I felt pissed off and burdened by school and then I decided I don't want to go to school anymore. And then I felt free. I felt elation. I tired it. I did not like it. I think working full time, being a full time single mama and going to school full time is pretty much impossible for anyone. I cracked halfway through my first quarter.<br />
My little dalliance with academia did illustrate a thing or two. I have realized that I can make daily time for reading & writing (probably not the 4-5 hours daily I have been doing) and <b><span style="color: #351c75;">I can do whatever I want to do! I can change my mind at anytime about anything I want cuz I'm an adult, the Queen of my own reality and damn it, life should be fun!<i> </i></span></b>And right now I want life to feel more bohemian, artsy, freewheeling and less stodgy/rule laden. Ladies, let's party...<br />
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ooooooh and during the sickness I did knit while watching bad movies. A new hat for my little dove is almost totally complete. <br />
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So, let me put on my rose-tinted glasses and admit that I'm pretty smitten. I'm in such a state of delicious adoration. This guy, <i>my boyfriend</i>, really is the bees knees. I don't think I've ever been so consistently non-annoyed and blissfully calm and chill around someone <i>ever</i>. I do think that I've grown a lot and changed and am more self aware now than ever before (blah blah blah) but I also believe my guy to be a jewel of a human. He is stunning. <br />
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On Valentines Day my sweetheart showed up with a box of chocolates and tools. My house is quirky (ie falling apart) and there are a lot of issues. The busted/drippy pipes under the sink needed some attention. Oh, I do like a man, wielding tools, who can fix things. I could get used to this... I feel truly <i>seen </i>(envisioned by another person as <i>I want to be seen </i>and also seen for who I really am) by him. Honestly, I feel like I shouldn't even jinx myself by talking about our romance much. Love can be such a delicate animal. I don't need to figure it out, I'm happy to simply be in it.<br />
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I was also given<a href="http://www.amazon.com/THREE-WANDERERS-FROM-WAPPING-country/dp/B000IC1TIM"> the most miserable and disturbing children's book I've ever seen</a>. This book is full of freaky dead body illustrations and detailed descriptions of the plague (so goth!) and it was my man's when he was a kid. One of my areas of interest is the darker parts of history. I can't help it. I'm Gothic through & through.<br />
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I'm sitting here drinking coffee and eating a successful gluten free banana bread that I made myself. I'll post the recipe next time (it's tasty and not sandy or overly dense-hooray!). The sun is blazing a pretend springtime day outside. Time to walk Viggo and there is a little hill of towels in front of me waiting to be folded, chickens angrily wanting out of the coop, a yard in hopeless disarray, my retail space (that's been so neglected) needs attention and yes some more homework that must be done. It's all ok. I'll do it all. The sunshine makes it extra alright. xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-1388682441774668602015-02-08T23:00:00.000-08:002015-02-08T23:00:30.591-08:00the secret language...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hi. I've missed you. Really. Life has been just kids, coffee, school, work, coffee, kids, school, collapse... repeat repeat repeat... I think of how apt the phrase "burning the candle at both ends" is. And it was just full moon (who else felt it <i>like crazy</i>?), I have pms and damn it, everyone in Seattle is sick. I'm not joking<i> everyone</i>. The viruses pass in waves through our home. My children's classrooms are filthy germ collections. <br />
So I was coursing along, feeling my way through beginning to learn again, really enjoying school and, a month ago, I started spending time with a boy. I'm getting to know him on a magical level, it occupies an entirely different realm (stunning astrological compatibility). The instantaneous feeling of calm is so strong and sweet. Love is: laying around talking for hours, gluten free baking, being favorites, eating steak & fried potatoes for dinner, cold brew coffee, coconut milk ice cream for breakfast, laughing all the time and so many other things. It's a different experience. Perfectly unique.<br />
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The Northwestern gloom is here, there is always a kettle of water boiling, a cup of tea brewing. The drafty, dampness of our old house is unreal. Every year I sing my song that I won't spend another winter here and here we still are, 5 winters later. I'm not gonna get into the state of rentals. I can't... It's too Dickens-ian. I'd rather talk about cemeteries, romance and the coming of spring...<br />
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I drive by the lake view cemetery at least twice a day. On certain foggy days it beacons me so beautifully, it's impossible to resist. I walk and write in my head here. Interesting ideas come to me when my body is engaged in effortless physical activity. I walk and walk, visit <a href="http://www.lakeviewcemeteryassociation.com/lees.php">the Lee graves</a>, walk more, look for the oldest headstones... I'm consumed by nostalgic teen imaginings as I write draft after draft of a creative nonfiction piece called The Secret Language for my writing class. The piece is about my high school best friend, some of our secrets, our adventures in shoplifting and vandalism... It's about our spoken secret language-made up of inside jokes, witticisms and weird recollections. But it also references our intuitive, unspoken way of energetic communication. In thinking about this (during the, often, tedious process of refining the story, over and over), I'm starting to see how there is a secret language to everything. It exists within most relationships. It's bittersweet and wondrous how these miniature universes can be created simply by being in the company of another person we adore. Or within nature. I feel the secret language all around me.<br />
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My gal came home, today, from an overnight with her Papa, all pukey. She's been bundled on the couch watching cartoons (Waldorf philosophy evaporates and it's a free for all media-fest when she's sick, y'all) and barking orders, all day. I'm coughing wimpily and drinking tea. This is how the winter is here. People just seems to have this lingering-kinda-bad-meh-cold that drags on for weeks or months.<br />
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I have found that it's easier for me to write or do homework in a cafe or coffee shop. When I try to be productive and work at home, I end up super distracted by chores, projects or Viggo Mortensen (the dog). Ultimately I have this dream of having my own "office" (sigh, like<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFag_IV27Nc"> Margot Tenenbaum's </a>apt she kept to write in...) but paying more rent isn't going to happen right now. So (gasp...) I'm one of those people on a laptop at a coffee shop. I used to be so annoyed but I understand now! It's so quiet in coffee shops too <i>cuz everyone's working</i>. I set a reasonable time limit of 1-2 hours. It's cool.<br />
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I have been eating a ridiculous amount of pastries. I am gluten free. ok 75% of the time. Sometimes I just really want biscotti, apple cake or a vegan donut. Constant denial of wants/treats makes me cranky and it's just really hard. I like the sweets. I'm afraid my sweet tooth is unparalleled.<br />
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After many weeks of patient waiting, my California Poppy tincture was ready to strain and decant. I dreamt, months ago, that (my mother land) the golden state's, state flower, was a magic spirit herb. In my dream, I laid in a field of the silky orange California Poppies and promptly fell asleep (It's always so strange to me when I fall asleep in a dream, it happens to me pretty often). When I woke, I decided to start the tincture and hoped it would be just the thing to take the edge off my insomnia. And, it totally helps! Just 5-10 an evening and I am feeling <i>way mellow</i>. It's lovely. I think my romance is playing it's part in helping me sleep better. I really have never felt so tranquil around a man. The vibes are like a pastel pinky peach sunset. It's serene.<br />
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Oh surprise. More coffee. A totally essential lifestyle ingredient for one who has too much work to do and not enough hours in a day. Gotta cut that out, pull back a bit. I had a little fingers/toes numb, vision altering panic attack yesterday that forced me back into reality. I cannot drink coffee like a trucker, I just am not constitutionally able to handle it. I freak when I have too much caffeine. <br />
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This week, all heady teen dreams and pms, led me to pull out my copy of the Bell Jar. I haven't read it in so long. It seems so fresh. Plus I read differently now. Educated, collegiate style! I'm annotating, highlighting, scribbling, etc. I'm seeing things in old books that never jumped out before. I love it.<br />
The looming to-do this week is to "help" my little dove make 20 hand made crafty Valentines for her teachers & classmates. It's a process, best approached by doing a few at a time. I have a few assignments due but mid-terms (that stuff was bananas by the way-so much work!) are over and I can lightly relax in the school realm. There are little spring break trip plans beginning to bounce about in my mind. I'm thinking a trip to California is in order. I've been missing family and friends in San Diego (and I miss the sunshine terribly too).<br />
Outside the rain is falling hard and I need to delicately push this feverish six year old over a bit (she always sleeps in my bed when she's sick) and try and sleep. Dreams of poppy fields and California sun await. xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-46659230277717338212015-01-04T11:37:00.002-08:002015-01-05T22:22:19.765-08:00a new year<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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As I sit here and drink my jasmine tea, I am thinking on intentions. The last few years I have written lengthy lists with dozens of goals and many have been accomplished but this years goes deeper. This new years eve/new years day I had only one thing on my mind. Love. Real love. I want to believe in Love. I think there is really only one love for me. The love that I felt as a dream when I was a child. The love that I felt when my own babies came out of my body and I finally held them in my arms. The love that <i>I so wanted to feel </i>with most romantic partners I've had, but it usually disolved for one reason or another. There aren't kinds of love, only LOVE. Fierce and powerful and when you are with that person you create a universe unto yourselves and it's beautiful. I have felt it at times and I have seen it between others and my belief in real love it why I have ended so many previous relationships. I had to believe that there was more than what I was currently experiencing. I had to follow my heart.<br />
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For several weeks I have been attempting to date. Um, it's weird, not for me. I guess I'm just not that modern. I do everything else online but yeah, not the dating... I got rid or and deactivated it all, bye bye. Back to the old fashioned ways of actually coming across that needle in the haystack in real life. I'm fine with that. The waiting... I welcome it. I've got things to do, school starts tomorrow <i>for me</i> and kids. I will be in class and doing homework daily. Great, distraction of mind. <br />
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Every online connection I made was either depressing, slightly scary, annoying or in on case pretty disheartening... I don't have time to pursue sub par connections. There have been many hot tub soaking sessions in my beautiful friends jacuzzi where we exchange stories of the most horrible/hilarious texts know on earth. dating war stories... It hardens you. I'm too soft and strive to stay that way. Instead of dating I will go dancing. My savior at the age of 15 was the dance floor so back to that. I will dance with friends, I will dance on my own if I must but dancing I will go. Every sat night and other nights if it looks extra fun... dance dance dance...<br />
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Winter wraps around us here. It's cold and constantly wet, the sun rarely lights the sky. Every year it hits me somewhat unexpectedly. How is it possible to forget <i>the gloom</i>? Lovely spring and summer wipe it from my mind, every time. January finds me feeling like such a hardy pioneer. I'm a maiden of fortitude simply because I choose to call this damp, grey land my home. <br />
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There have been 2 colds. One that morphed into another so I guess that has a little to do with my sensitive, introspective musings. Now I have a sinus infection and that lovely disconnected head feeling that goes along with it. Lots of time logged in bed writing. Journal writing, short stories, memoir-always plenty of that. Working out my feelings by writing the down is what works for me.<br />
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There have been certain themes in my Tarot readings. Love and struggle, betrayal oh and coming into money (yes please!! still waiting to hear about financial aid)- it is almost tax time.<br />
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And there it is, in red ink. My final stick n poke tattoo of 2014. Now I'm off to plant my garlic that is late late late getting into the earth. better late than never! xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-78769171098700978192014-12-21T10:56:00.004-08:002014-12-21T10:56:53.511-08:00intentional...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am sniffling, and dripping elderberry syrup into my mouth by the hour. A teaspoon an hour, every hour, until it starts to dissipate. Picked up some cold germs. Oh the perils of our Northwestern Clime.<br />
And, Oh hello, my dears... Where have I been for over a month or more. Away on a marvelous vacation? Alas, sadly, no. I was sliding down the rabbit hole of (gasp...) online dating. That world is a little depressing. I mean, it's what people do, right? I do everything else online, work, shop etc, why not pursue dating. It's just, unromantic and really, it's looking for <i>a needle in a haystack</i> (A haystack that is really one of those gigantic trash islands floating around in the middle of the ocean). Chills... I have reached my limit. I'm too sensitive. I have decided that every time I think about a <i>boy</i> or<i> boys</i> I have to do 10 squats (My friend told me about a couple she knows who have to do 10 squats every time they say something negative...well they are super in shape now and don't say negative things as much). I'm getting a gym membership and have to write nightly instead of wasting precious time scrolling through profiles and sifting through bad/boring/creepy messages. I'm done. Back to the nunnery. It's cool. Really. Can't force that kind of magic. <i>I mean you can...</i> But that's a whole nother post titled "don't fool w the dark arts"... I'll be fine. Just retiring my winsome dreams of eating ice cream in bed w anyone this winter... I have Viggo Mortensen, He's the perfect 6lb bed buddy.<br />
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oh heyyyyyy, my dog is ridiculous!! Little bat faced Mr Tiny Body... Big attitude on this gem, I named him rightly.<br />
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Gloom has set in. I dig it, it's good. I pretend I'm in a Swedish film, quietly, walking through the darkness and drizzle. In my head, I'm writing words for passages in my Vamp Book or bits of memoir (this month alone I have begun 3 chapters for a new collection of personal stories...), wait, I have been writing! But I can write more.<br />
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I sew, my machine is broken, so it's entirely by hand, which I enjoy. Very slow, thoughtful, meditative. It connects me to my favorite times. Puritan, Victorian, Depression Era. Oh woe is me, I'm sitting by the firelight stitching away and drawn into a historic circle of sisterhood, women who stitched at night by candlelight, after the babes had fallen asleep. Oh! Please excuse me, While I let out my hens! They will be so cross as It's after 10am... I'm such a lazy farm mistress today!...<br />
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My nightly tarot readings continue. Getting more acquainted with this beautiful deck and open to the guidance I get. I usually post my readings (right now, I'm fond of doing a 7 card layout) <a href="http://instagram.com/goldfawn/">on my instagram</a>. I feel like I get a really solid picture of what my path is by practicing this divination nightly. The same cards come up, again and again. See. Understand. Hear this... It's beautiful and a magical connection to the other lands that I can hold in my human hands. I treasure my cards. <br />
When I read tarot, I think about my intention. I draw the cards with intention. This practice has overlapped into every moment of everything I do. How can I pursue this with intention? Harness my feeling in the moment and feel my path, shine and remain free from distracting feelings that aren't always accurate. <a href="http://www.dawnsharpdress.com/">My beautiful lady friend of nearly 20 years </a>texted me this morning "Just move in your light n live n try to be distant if it's possible" good advice (especially to the lovelorn).<br />
Tonight is Winter Solstice. After I attend a party with my babes, where most will be tipsy from too much mulled wine, I will come home and write down a list of all my intentions. A fresh manifestation to be wrapped in red ribbon and set to shine in the light of the moon. Always write intentions in the present tense as if they are already happening. <br />
And now I need to squeeze Viggo into his little lilac, cashmere sweater vest. Another teaspoon of elderberry syrup. Off to walk on this chilly morning and treat myself with a little black gold-caffeine. It is Winter Solstice. I am. and continue to be. I will live with bright intention. xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-47527768368945259372014-11-17T22:17:00.000-08:002014-11-17T22:17:06.422-08:00fall apart<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last week, the black clouds descended and I was left hopeless, limp and quiet for days. Tears fell frequently and I was overly emotional. A moon cycle, mourning a love lost, financial stress, school uncertainty, struggling with accepting the changes in rhythm-when my car broke (yet again), endless cold in the drafty house, kids that argue over wearing coats and then<i> the light bulb in the fridge went out and I burnt the toast </i>(the little things are always the last straw when I am frustrated) and it seemed the world was ending... Saturday morning I went to a meeting of women I love and trust and cried and laughed and felt their openness, love and support. I was lifted, enfolded in kindness. I could see out of the greyness that had, moments before, seemed all around me.<br />
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Depression is a strange creature. It feeds on lonliness, sleep deprivation, stress... When I feel dark now, I instantly seek out the wisdom and company of my dearest friends, I call my therapist, I watch a fluffy episode of Gilmore girls, I eat chocolate and know that the feeling will pass. I just have to busy myself and keep moving forward. I used to enjoy really wallowing in my bummer trips but that only made me sadder. I choose happiness.<br />
Lessening stress is something I am working on. Even fun, exciting things (like all the planning involved in going back to school) are stressful to me. I'm delicate. I can be tough and a warrior but basically I'm a soft, tender hearted lady who is easily shaken<i> cuz I am so hyper aware and want to avoid big problems</i> so I'm always evaluating things like "wait is this ok??" just to be cautious. I think as time goes on I will be less easily jarred by the little challenges of life but right now I'm learning and discovering what works for me as a healthy adult.<br />
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I did get to see Death in June last week. I nearly bailed on going because I was having this really nervous day with awful "prom night butterflies" in my stomach all day. The minute I got there, all my anxiety dissolved. The show was euphoric, haunting and transporting. It felt so intimate-certainly less than 100 people there. The energy field onstage was as dark as my blackest dreams. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_P.">Douglas P</a> played my most favorite DIJ song,<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1-ooU0gQ_g"> "Fall Apart"</a>. I had this wonderful moment of intoxicating pure perfection while he played it. Consumed with the feeling that everything is alright and exactly as it should be. Shadows followed me home. The words echoing in my mind...<br />
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And shall I wake from Dreams<br />
For the Glory of Nothing<br />
For the cracking of the Sun<br />
For the crawling down of Lies?<br />
And if We fall from Dreams<br />
Shall we push them into Darkness<br />
And stare into the Howling<br />
And clamber into Night?<br />
And if I fall from Dreams<br />
All my Prayers are Silenced<br />
To Love is to lose<br />
And to lose is to Die...</div>
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And why did you say<br />
That things shall fall<br />
And fall and fall and fall<br />
And fall apart?</div>
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It was heavy. I was pondering it for days... </div>
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...and these two are buddies. Nothing heavy there. My cat, Thomas, is kind of a jerk. He doesn't care for anyone. He tolerates me, when he's in the mood but really he's a super sensitive, prone to flip on a dime, sort of guy. My tiny dog, Viggo has wormed his way into Thomas' heart. They lay together! They cuddle. This cat is not a cuddler. It's beautiful and hopeful. I love these guys.<br />
Tomorrow I'll be back with some project talk. I haven't been writing cuz I was feeling sad and binging on <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2442560/">Peaky Blinders</a> (ladies... <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0614165/?ref_=nv_sr_2">Cillian</a>...) but I'm feeling oh so much better. When I was bummin we spent days in the back yard weeding and prepping the garlic bed and that also helped me feel a million times better! Now off to bed for me. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-65982734885857112212014-11-09T10:11:00.000-08:002014-11-09T10:11:48.118-08:00autumn apples and leaves and nesting in...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There has been such a cozy, nesting spirit happening in our home this week. I am getting all the plans in place to begin school Jan. 5th and then with the crisp change in weather and arrival of <i>so many apples</i>, there is just so much to do. My gals Papa got 2 huge boxes of apples from friends who have a farm and he gave us most of them. Apple butter, applesauce, peeling/chopping/freezing and every kind of apple baking project has been going on in the kitchen. Then there's the 8 pounds of organic blueberries we were gifted... I cleaned out the freezer a few weeks back and it's so nice to have these fruits in there, waiting to be eaten up during the winter.<br />
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All summer long our leisurely pace allowed for slower mornings. I had time to do a tarot reading nearly every day. Now with Fall in full swing, it seems we are always rushing off (to school!) in the mornings and my morning tarot time has been sadly lacking. Still, answers from the universe appear. Did you know that playing cards correspond directly with the minor arcana of the tarot? I find these playing cards on occasion, on the street or face up on the ground at the thrift store. On Monday and Tuesday I found the 9 of hearts (9 of cups). Completion.<br />
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Happiness and success, wildest dreams realized, a wish fulfilled. There are many wishes and wildest dreams afoot in my mind these days... I am working towards them, using the powers of softness and good, seeking the light and being of service to others... In the past my path to dream fulfillment was a messy and not entirely wholesome one. Now I am trying things differently and I believe that if I continue upon an honest and kind journey all my wishes will be granted.<br />
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My dog is so tiny! 6 pounds. Rarely do we encounter smaller dogs. He gets cold too so I've been cutting the arms off sweaters to make him little sweaters.<br />
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Dress of dreams! On a pretty gloomy, dirty day at the thrift I found this magical raspberry pink dress hiding out at the bottom of a pile of trash. It made my week. I haven't worn it yet but maybe tomorrow night.<br />
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Kitchen projects happening all the time. Using the oven makes this drafty little house extra warm. Granola and we had <a href="http://www.bbbliving.com/bbb-blog/2014/11/2/apple-pancake-recipe">this amazing apple pancake</a> TWICE for dinner last week. ohhhh so good. With potatoes and kale (and sauerkraut of course).<br />
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I have been taking my lil dog on long walks. Pretty much anytime I am feeling a little upset or frustrated (which has been a few times this week) I go on a real long walk. It's good to clear my head and work thoughts out. Although I wish it wasn't streets and cars and construction I was passing by. I visualize a Seattle of long ago when I am strolling. One wish I have is of a rural setting for us, in the very near future. It's hard to be content in the now, which for us means <i>city</i>. I want <i>country</i>, as soon as possible. Patiently awaiting the country life and figuring out what exactly that means for us. </div>
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Now to put a sweater on Viggo and go meet my little lady at the farmers market. Happy weekend sweet friends! xo m</div>
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-66667554303478517712014-11-05T19:43:00.004-08:002014-11-05T19:43:42.525-08:00there is a light that never goes out...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Learning how to let go (of love, with love...) is something I have taken so many years to begin cultivating. I am just now discovering what this unfamiliar process looks like to me. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_love">Unconditional love</a> is something I am only able to practice with my children, my sister, my best friend (honestly, just my children). I have never experienced a romantic love that has remained, was steadfast and unchanged. My loves have always diminished or shattered. Sometimes the love morphed into something, at times, that was unbearable to sit in even for a moment. I know now that hostility, questioning, lack of support, are things I cannot abide in a relationship. The moment I feel my stomach painfully tighten, even a little (and that voice screams in my mind <i>"Run!"</i>), I can no longer ignore. Yes, everyone has off days or gets cranky, but when I feel a pattern of negativity is being established, and thoughts of my beloved no longer invite joy into my heart-but usher in the beginnings of a bitter dreadfulness... I am unable to be open, warm and in love. I retreat, out of self protection, and remove myself from the situation.<br />
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I honestly don't know how to grieve a love lost. It's easier if the person was a real creep (as most of them were). But if it just wasn't working (maybe there were personality clashes/lifestyle differences) and it couldn't go on but no one was an insufferable monster... It's a little harder to stop the relationship. And how do you ever completely close the door? I am terribly fond of unrequited romance, this is not necessarily a good thing. I tend to mis-remember or mythologize my memories. Like it's never ever really truly over. <br />
My last romance broke (continues to break..) my heart. It was, for many years an unrequited teenage memory/fantasy and when we reconnected it was fireworks, electricity, wild abandon, instant intuitive everything. It seemed so meant to be and nearly flawless until, only a few months later the flaws appeared and everything began to dissolve and fall apart. I feel so heartsick. It keeps coming and unfolds daily. And thank you all for being so patient (friends and readers), I know I've been harping on and on about my romantic experience quite a lot lately... Some days <i>it is so hard to stay away from this romance</i>. In the past, in much darker, completely damned relationships, I always stayed and stayed and stayed, much to my detriment. Now I have to believe that my ability to walk away is a strength. I won't ignore the warning signs and wait until it's nearly impossible to disengage.<br />
It's Autumn and raining, endless cups of tea and chores and things demanding of my attention. I just want to crawl into bed watch sappy movies, eat chocolate covered shortbread and cry. Wait! I was excited about school yesterday. Yes, I am going back to school. I'm happy to realized I'm just a handful of classes away from my AA (and how I even accumulated <i>any credits</i> is a real feat cuz I was not functioning on a healthy plane 1995-2002) and then I can pursue my Psychology BA (at what school?) and figure out what kinda MA (yeah, where?) and get all sorts of diplomas etc... etc... and move to Berlin/Maine/Dublin/Nola/Magic Island and do cool things and help people figure their heads and hearts out... Today I crashed into lovesick sadness a little. It happens (to me a lot), I'm stressed. There are still many questions with school (waiting to hear about financial aid) and bills long over due and I am sad, not over things and really bummed by the way things turned out with my loved one... I keep thinking it over and over again and flirting with the sweet memories but I do remember what caused me to take a step back and I do think I am where I'm meant to be, right now. I do think I made the right decision. As painful as it is, I made the right choice for me.<br />
I am creating my life, everyday, with every action and I want it to be a kind, happy, beautiful and wondrous reality. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-48442080464736954382014-11-01T09:43:00.003-07:002014-11-01T09:43:54.998-07:00the rain came in...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The Autumn rain has finally started. I was really starting to wonder. It felt as if Summer had set in for good. Flowers and leaves, awake and unfolding at the wrong time. Everything in nature seemed out of sync and slightly confused. A couple weeks ago I journey to the little island of Vashon with one of my oldest friends (I have been friends with <a href="http://careybraswell.com/">the lovely Carey</a> for 25 years! It boggles my mind because it seems like just yesterday we were dancing to Bauhaus at the all ages dance club... Time is such a silly thing!). The weather that day was unseasonably warm and so bright.<br />
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We fell a little in love with this magical coffee house that had hundreds of kinds of tea and was housed in an old dance hall. The building also contained a vintage book store and a health food grocery. Locals came in doing their daily shopping or coffee getting and it was every bit the picture of idyllic small town life. Nearly everyone was wearing some sort of groovy pnw vibe sweater and most people seemed to know one another.<br />
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I was struggling with envy and judgement today. My daughter goes (on scholarship) to a private school. I love the school. We have had our struggles there (Not long ago, <a href="http://honeyedheaven.blogspot.com/2014/10/tigress.html">I posted about a bullying situation</a>. In the conference with the teachers I agreed to trust them to facilitate healing and resolution. And things are, thankfully, improving in that area). I am very active and involved at the school. Still, it is hard for me, at times, to reserve judgement about the other parents.It's difficult to be surrounded by so many apparently blissfully happy, excessively moneyed folks and not feel a little bitter, jealous... I try to park my old volvo a block away so that when it invariably won't start (fuse terminal, wiring, short? I have problems about daily, every other day if I'm lucky) and I have to open the fuse box and fuss around in it for several minutes to get it to start, I don't have an audience of lookers on.. I get very wrapped up in my own day to day and imagine that these people have it easy, have no idea of struggle. But, for the most part, I don't know their stories. I can only control my own. Still the envy is there. I suggested, to the pta-which I am a part of, that we have our own funds for the group becasue not everyone (Hi, Me! I can't afford it!) should be expected to buy needed materials or coffee and snacks for large group meetings out of their own pocket. They were kinda like, Huh? But then understood and agreed it was a great idea... meh. Oct is a difficult transition month for work and I'm always feeling extra overwhelmed by the bills while less money is coming in.<br />
All that said, I have decided to go back to school. I'm actually only a handful of credits away from my AA and want to close in on a BA and then go to grad school. Big dreams. I had always envisioned going back to school in my 50s or 60s (when I had the time, haha) But I have a few friends (some of them single mamas) who have done it or are doing it and I think now is the time for me to try. This last week was a whirlwind of meetings at the school and testing and paperwork and online clicking and sending... I start on Jan 5th for winter. I'm pretty excited!!<br />
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We are immersed back in the land of OZ. I love these books and their old timey wording and delicacy. The art is so pretty and there are so many OZ books, although some of pretty boring and lack to pizzazz of the ones we love.<br />
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I took a couple pictures of books so I wouldn't forget to try and find them for my gal. The art in Marigold Garden is so pretty!<br />
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Now it is Saturday. The day after Halloween. It rained heavily the entire evening. Wet feet, soggy candy, cranky kids. Super sugar hangovers and sniffly noses today. I let my little one watch the magic schoolbus which I will surely regret. Every time I use cartoons as a babysitter it turns out badly. But she woke up at 6am today (on school days I have to drag her out of bed at 7:15! But weekends she always wakes up by 6) and I <i>just couldn't</i>... I wanted to sleep more, I only got about 15 mins of sleep before the puppy started fussing around naughtily. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-64817420925761843482014-10-25T18:53:00.002-07:002014-10-25T18:53:53.527-07:00mysterious elusive magical<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The nature of love is something I muse on constantly. The mysteries of life, luck, timing, I reflect on often. I go over conversations, gestures, glances, with analytical dissection. I do character studies of strangers, loved ones or internet "research" (ie obsessive bookmarking and youtube-ing, image,text searching) trying to put together or take apart what feelings make up who. In my head, there is always a story being written, sometimes fictional, often autobiography. occasionally, the story I'm writing isn't a story at all, but my actual life. My mental landscape leans towards the fantastical. It's always been so but lately even more intensely.<br />
I've been spending hours everyday writing. Now I skip my usual, exhausted end of day netflix streaming fest in favor or writing, attempting to translate my mental pictures, feelings into print. I'm writing a book (working title-vamp book) about Vampires. There are Vikings, humans, and now Witches and Cult members have appeared, there's a (still un-named) God-like Rock Icon. The time period of vamp book spans 930 through 2014. Oh wait, there are actually things that happen before 930AD but the time isn't named... It's set mostly in Seattle but also in so many other places. Portland, Ireland, Africa, Iceland... The world and the mythology it contains has become complex, maybe too complex. I have a giant piece of paper over my writing desk that has a timeline and family trees on it. It's getting a little nuts. I sleep, eat, breathe that world. I exist in it whenever I possibly can. I'm not so sure why it's so important and demanding of my attention I just know that it is and I want to experience it, watch it unfold. It's like an ocean and the waves keep coming and I don't see the shore yet. I know there's land somewhere, it has to appear sooner or later.. If I'm patient and watchful.<br />
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I still enjoy spending time in graveyards. I am so quintessentially gothic to the core. I love to sit there among the headstones and scribble away words, sentences, ideas, take pictures...<br />
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There is something in being slightly miserable, or struggling or wading through a transition that makes me feel so hopelessly free and creative. I am wide awake to the inspiration of the universe. I open my arms and say <i>yes</i>. Inviting in creatures great and small. Dreaming and exploring and imagining a life that is full of beauty and a world of wonders untold.<br />
I believe that the hidden secrets of the heart and mind contain the most potent magic. It's that magic I seek and want to feel.<br />
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The days grow colder and the black days, persistent rain and our drafty house reminds me that Winter is really coming. There's always water boiling, endless cups of tea being made. I get into bed at night, cuz it's warm there, and from beneath my covers, I write. Samhain is approaching swiftly, bringing deep introspection, reflection. Stark changes ask for my attention and I comply. I'm discovering the new world, inside and out. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-40191330537677384992014-10-20T09:37:00.002-07:002014-10-20T09:37:32.982-07:00tigress...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I was born in 1974. <a href="http://www.chinese-astrology.co.uk/tiger.html">Year of the Tiger</a>. I have always felt such an affinity for cats of all kinds but the tiger is my cat of dreams. My fiery spirit animal. I channel Tiger energy in moments when I require strength. Lately my inner Tigress has been wide awake and roaring all day long.<br />
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Last year my daughter entered kindergarten at a private school. The admissions process was long, exhausting and we were lucky enough to receive a scholarship. I don't want to get into too many details (out of respect for the families involved) but my daughter is being bullied by another little girl in her class. This began from the start of school last year and has only gotten worse. I feel like the teacher (who is new to the school) is, somewhat, minimizing my concerns. I'm meeting with the teachers tomorrow, then going to the head of school to talk about the situation. We are already evaluating other options and considering homeschooling until next year if need be. I am in full Tigress mode: awake, active, fierce, commanding... My concerns are valid and I won't be pacified until a positive resolution is reached. <br />
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There were a few instances of bullying when my son was younger but at bigger (public) schools, it was easier for my son to avoid kids that were being less than kind. Luckily, I felt that the teachers and administration took things very seriously and had defined protocols in place. In a intimate private school setting it seems harder to deal with. Classes are smaller and there is only one class per grade.<br />
If my daughter stays at this school, she will be in the same class with this girl every single year...<br />
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I watch over my children carefully, gathering details, observing moments. My childhood was not a comforting, safe place. I know what misery looks like and it's a place I never want my children to live in. I seek to support, protect, encourage joy and find the best possible environment for my young ones.It's not an option to settle for anything less than ideal.<br />
I hardly slept this weekend, have knots in my stomach and feel so distracted form all my other life demands. I just want my little girl to feel happy, safe. And she does not. I will be going into the meeting tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully there is a positive outcome. Trying to do my best to <i>feeeeel </i>optimistic but my gut is telling me to pull her out of there and then figure out the next step... xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-49610200542493406222014-10-14T15:45:00.001-07:002014-10-14T15:45:31.674-07:00creative life & daily practices...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Autumn always finds me busy as a bee. There's back to school for my children, a swift succession of holidays, many close friend and family birthdays to celebrate and, I have realized that, Autumn is my most intensive creative period. As the days turn darker, cooler, we are forced more often indoors, I am swept away by mental adventures, stories, ideas...<br />
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As a teen and young adult I was steadfast in my belief that my writing was something than need not be cultivated or regimented in any way. I guess when I had a surplus of time and minimal responsibilities, that worked for me. I could write and create whenever the mood hit, able to drop whatever I was doing and get lost chasing my muses. Writers and artists I admired (Sylvia Plath, Rimbaud, Byron, Anne Sexton, the Brontes...) were generally of the self-destructive<i> </i>or <i>tortured</i>
variety. I thought that's how all artists lived/worked. I was naive,
hadn't thoroughly researched how many of my beloved artists and writers approached
their work. I knew F. Scott Fitzgerald had a mentally ill wife (who was
an amazing artist herself, to whom he wrote beautiful love letters) a
deep affinity for gin, partied all night and grew up in the South...
That was enough for me, I idealized what I saw as the romantic aspects
of his character. Had I delved deeper into his process I would've know
that he spent most of his daytime hours in front of his typewriter.
Writing was approached as a full time job. Although not always wholeheartedly... When I was 24 I had a quote from an F. Scott biography tattooed on my right arm:<br />
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<i>"I've found my line</i></div>
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<i> from now on this comes first</i></div>
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<i>This is my immediate duty</i></div>
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<i>Without this I am nothing"</i></div>
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<i> </i> F. Scott said he <i>wished </i>he'd said that to himself about his writing after he'd finished Gatsby. I idealistically got my tattoo and then kinda forgot about it as life got busy, I cultivated my own fondness for loud parties and staying up all night, left my husband, became a single parent... I let my writing diminish in size and frequency. I still wrote in a journal, though not dutifully, I blogged on occasion but was not giving life to fiction (which I enjoy most of all) or memoir.<br />
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Now, with not enough time and a towering mountain of work & mama responsibilities, I have began implementing a rhythm of daily practices to support and encourage my creative life and well, damn, finish all these projects. I have been known to not always complete a great many of my passionate stories. I am not content to just let<i> this thing</i>, this energy slip away and hide. My creative routine is pretty basic and wonderful in it's simplicity!<br />
I sit and write. It's really that simple. I make myself sit at certain times in certain places and eventually I write things. Every morning, first thing after dropping my kids at school, I go to a coffee shop, get coffee and sit and write. I have a notebook in my purse. Sometimes, I bring my laptop but usually just <i>actually</i> writing with pen on paper works best for me. I write again or edit in the afternoon, just after lunch. I write again when the kids go to bed. These aren't the only times I write but these are the times I do make sure to <i>always</i> write. It's working well. Pages are filling up, Short stories are being finished. The neglected novel is growing, getting edited and transforming into something completely new.<br />
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I also need time outside, rain or shine, every day. I get so much inspiration from life/nature. My imaginary world is born of Black clouds, mist & rain, rolling waves, leaves underfoot, counting fairy rings of mushrooms, a murder or crows circling evergreens and cawing... So much beauty everywhere about me if I can make my internal loop silent and demand my mind whine a little quieter. I remain open and wait for images to appear. And they always come.<br />
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I listened to <a href="http://www.npr.org/2014/09/16/348727370/nick-cave-the-creative-process-is-an-altered-state-in-itself">Nick Cave talk about his creative process on npr</a> a few weeks back and was (no duh...) immensely inspired. Now I need to get inspired to make soup. It's chilly, kids will be home soon and everyone will be talking, all at once around the dinner table, of the day. xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-50616873127548407812014-09-22T20:53:00.000-07:002014-09-22T20:53:50.215-07:00king ink<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So today is Nick Cave's birthday. He was born in 1957. Today he is 57. Oh so grateful this wizardly wordsmith (that writes with a female audience in mind) was born and is so productive and his art is wonderful and never ceases to cheer me up. I'm not exactly obsessed, more like I love the art and the fact that he exists. Quite enamored. What a stunning man...<br />
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I'm working on a short story about a bunch of cultists devoted to Mr. Cave. They live in a haunted house next to the sea. Not sure where it's going yet... xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-49922270405151297942014-09-21T16:05:00.001-07:002014-09-21T16:10:04.452-07:00love & romance<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In my earliest imaginings I was obsessed with and spent many hours lost in wonder over love and romance. These elusive "things" continue to be my main areas of interest. Everything I do, think, am is infused with this ideal that, at one time, was a youthful cultivation of persona. An intensely traumatic childhood combined with a thoroughly sensitive
nature had enabled me to be a perfect candidate for dreaming my
fantastical realm into actual perception. By the time I was a tween the romantic persona had become so ingrained into existence that I realized I was no longer actively trying or pondering the why, what, hows of love and romance, I had simply become that which I sought to attain.<br />
Any friend I've ever had would probably describe me as "romantic" first off. In high school I used to sit and burn incense while I read Rimbaud, Byron, Anais Nin, Fitzgerald even the Marquis de Sade aloud at lunchtime to my girlfriends. I would fall into fits of obsessive infatuation over this boy and that, or become so hopelessly enamored of a certain band that their music was the word of God.<br />
I realize that there is a dreary scientific/biological explanation for all these <i>feelings</i> that live inside me. Yet I still prefer to think of love and romance as a magic spell or an altered state brought on by mystical forces beyond my control. I live my life based on the stirrings I feel in my heart or the fluttering inside my stomach. I guess that is, in some way, biology speaking to me. My body tells me when a situation is right or warns me when it could be wrong. I am highly aware and listen to these signs. But when I am <i>in love</i> I lose my head, judgement disappears and I forget to think. I become consumed and live, governed by my senses, drunk on the alchemical combination of scent, skin, taste... My vision becomes such that the object of my affection is transformed into a bright, otherworldly, beacon of light. They cease to be human and are elevated above all others in my mind. I am extreme in almost all areas of my life, especially love. I don't know how to enter into it casually, with restraint. I can only be myself and when I <i>feel </i>the power of love as it surrounds me, I don't stop to think "wait, slow down.." When my feelings are returned, I give the person my love and I don't hold back. I kiss, compliment, talk and listen all night long, just to try and understand what it is that makes this other person who they are. I want to know about their feelings, history, dreams and ambitions. I don't seek to change, control or tame them, I want to fall in beside them and experience life as it is unfolding.<br />
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My birth date card is<a href="http://thecardsoflife.com/destiny-cards/queen-of-clubs-person/"> the Queen of Clubs</a>. I'm into astrology, lunar cycles, divination, magic (which were once the sciences of their time). I ponder the psychic and otherworldly realms and my place in them. I rely on forces unseen. I wait for visions to come in dreams or signs. I wait for illumination and it does appear. I'm soooo very averse to conflict, authority and debate. I envision a world of pure, transcendent beauty and enjoyment. My heart tells me that my true love finds me endlessly fascinating and my emotional nature endearing. <br />
The last 3 years have been so full of emotional discovery of self. I am uncovering a life that was once hidden. My views on love and romance have changed somewhat and for the better but I still rely on what the birds sound like in the sky and the butterflies that reside in my stomach. I feel my way into relationships that unfold like poetry. At times the story goes awry and I wonder "Where did <i>it </i>go?". How could feelings so strongly felt and a connection so effortlessly forged denigrate into resentful bickering and misunderstandings? What's the point of criticism or correcting ones lover when you could be wrapping your arms about them and smothering them in kisses?<br />
I was talking to a friend today about relationships and he said that he had a theory about chemistry and we talked about it awhile, "If the chemistry is like an 8, or even a 7, out of 10,<i> I RUN</i>!" he said. hmm... Well I always seek out a 10. I don't know what to even think about his theory... I'm not sensible or able to impose rules onto how a partner appears.<br />
...And now I am going to write a story about a house. I'm working on short stories right now because anything else is too monumental and demanding. I have imposed some rules onto my writing. I have to sit in a certain space and write for at least an hour a day. And anytime I feel the urge to <i>check</i> stupid facebook I have to write a paragraph (I feel like checking it <i>a lot</i>!). My stories are, as always, a mixture of experiences and fiction. A bit of truth flowers into a fantasy... xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-886864174404081532014-09-13T09:50:00.002-07:002014-09-13T09:50:23.351-07:00the golden state...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Tomorrow I will be in California (I'm going to visit my "special gentleman friend" as one lady friend says...). Each visit home is full of learning. My relationship with my home state is ever changing. There is such an intense duality in my nature that when it comes to most people, places, things... I seem to <i>love</i> furiously and in a bittersweet way-even if this loving only happens in my mind. It's the way my brain works, I strive to find balance through extremities. <br />
Growing up in Southern California was a love affair full of eternal sunshine, warmth and outdoor freedom. It's easy to be a kid there, no jackets or mittens to worry about. When I was little we were allowed, <i>expected </i>to roam our neighborhood, only needing to return before night fall. Yet there was an internal darkness always inside me. I wasn't able to fully enjoy being sunshine-y and free then. I was wrestling with the confusing problems of dealing with my drug addict mother and a number of other abusive adults.I couldn't wait to get away and moved to Oregon a month after I graduated high school.<br />
Over the next several years I moved around Oregon and Washington (and back to California) often. I made the mistake of thinking that <i>the place</i> was a large part of the problem and that my discontent would cease if I just found the right place to live in. After my son was born I couldn't just pick up and move on a whim so I began to examine my thoughts and feelings and shortly discovered that my issues were the real issue and started working on emotional health, healing, sorting through my feelings and eventually got to a place of contentment and became comfortable with who I am.<br />
I love the Northwest. It is a magical place. It's also the only home my children have ever known. But there is still a part of me that misses California. Like a long lost lover I want to reconnect with because at the time of our first romance I wasn't ready for that kind of love yet... (Oh... this post is ripe with simile and metaphor. What am I even going on about... home, love...) I feel like you all understand...<br />
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Here in Washington, we have such damp, chilly mornings, we've collected so many first days of school, heavy blankets, the smell of fireplace and wood stove smoke in the air nightly. The comfort of home and the challenge I feel when entering Autumn-you know it's so wet and dark and seems endless and then you arrive at March and feel victorious as the first days of sunshine begin. I feel such a true pioneer spirit at times in The Northwest. I look into the eyes of strangers during a sudden downpour and we smile, shrug our shoulder and laugh as water runs into our eyes. <br />
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I imagine what a life in California would look like. I imagine what community I might find there. Through July and August I would examine and fantasize (yes, obsess!) over every little idea and situation. I've mostly put those thoughts out of my mind and now am trying to concentrate on what is right now. To be, and that means: working <i>a lot</i>, collecting paper, school, finishing vamp book, getting ready for the winter, for now <i>we are here</i> and I am not sure what the future holds.<br />
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Occasionally, on gloomy days I think of sunshine and am momentarily transported to the Golden State. I think a life there as an emotionally whole adult as opposed to that of a tormented child might be really wonderful. But my love for Seattle is so strong. It's like my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heathcliff_%28Wuthering_Heights%29">Heathcliff</a>... Would I ever really love California like that? See how my mind works? Over and over and around again. A true Libra. I used to get so annoyed when reading <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linda_Goodman">Linda Goodman</a> astrology books because she seemed very biased in regards to Librans but , well, some of her observations may have had a ring of truth to them...<br />
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Today there are so many errands and my son is performing with his Queens of the Stone Age cove band and then packing... x 3...<br />
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Oh to laze in a field of borage watching the honey bees. Surrounded on all sides by evergreens.<br />
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Tomorrow I will be on airplane heading to California. I'm excited to visit once more while it is still technically summertime! I'm waiting for fresh illuminations to be revealed. I'm excited to see what mysteries will be unveiled on this visit. Because, you know, we are still somewhat in love , the Golden State and I... xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-17969408981588136562014-08-25T17:44:00.000-07:002014-08-25T17:44:01.899-07:00weekending, summering on...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Around here, school starts next week, <i>next week,</i> seriously. Of all the seasons, Summer always seems shortest. It is a season that is bittersweet. So full of travel (this year at least), visits from loved ones, weddings, way relaxed kid routines, outside time, lots of slacking (ahem, for reals...) in the work dept... This summer sped by. I spend some time, daily, during every summer, imagining what life would look like it it was always summer. This year I found myself delving into imagining a possible life that could be even more <i>summmmmer vibe</i>, super vagabond, carefree, minimal, unschooled and just totally wild and free. What would that life look like?<br />
Long days spent building/making, immersed in the "real" work of planting seeds, planning & roaming hillsides, tending bees, milking goats, not constantly going into town, unplugged from the internet/iphone. It sounds good. I imagine my homesteading experience so vividly and it sounds right. I crave the country life. I feel a bit of anxiety over the daily expectations and responsibilities city life brings. The cost of living, multiple social interactions, traffic/time spent in my car, consumerism overload, just crazy stimulation in general, it's all <i>a bit much</i>. I'm sounding like a broken record. A country Western one...<br />
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My darling bud of so many years, Carlos, was in town last week from Chicago and it was sweet to breakfast, gossip and just be together for the first time in a few years. So many of my dearest first Seattle friends have long since moved away to every different corner of the country.<br />
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I've got the plum hookup again this summer. These came courtesy of my little ones summer play school. More on the way tomorrow. I've made plum jam, plum crisp and stored plenty in the freezer.<br />
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I feel weird going into my old work to get treats cuz, I just hate doing that. It didn't really end badly I just feel strange being a customer after being an employee. My friend K.knows this about me and stopped by and got me macarons! Sooo sublime!<br />
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My hair is pastel pink now. It's a good thing. The preteen and teen girls compliment me constantly and, surprisingly so do men over 70. Odd. but cute.<br />
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Saturday night I was having an intense evening of over thinking <i>just about everything</i> and had to have a chill night. My Niece stayed over and we watched Far and Away (don't hate!) and I felt romantically intoxicated by the end of it. I'm a real sap when it comes to men (even pre-crazy Tom Cruise, professing big things in movies and books. <br />
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Reading the cards has been a daily thing, a moment of clarity and meditation when I'm thinking weird things. <br />
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Continuing to sell off and minimize things around here. Selling at sunday market nearly every weekend.<br />
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My adorable niece is my pop up shop girl and selfie sister. We talk about Channing Tatum a lot...<br />
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I have been reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0679406832/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=31427365005&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8531757374139029346&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_55uppigvzz_b"> a gift from the sea</a> this weekend after my friend sent it to me. I'm feeling it. The ocean metaphor is really working here. I love it. <br />
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Now I need to encourage my little one to eat so we can get back into the car and drive to the airport to pick up her older brother who has been away for 3 WEEKS! I am so excited!! xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-40462377323429588852014-08-18T15:07:00.003-07:002014-08-19T08:39:02.069-07:00country...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In the last few years (and especially accelerated during the last year) I have embarked upon a journey of limiting possessions and setting my intentions towards a country life. I have too much stuff, too many things. I've thrifted most of my life and it's my job. Of course, far too many tings make it into the house. My once affordable (cheap even!) city is now home to seas of computer tech drones, corporate cannabis producers, net moguls, etc... There are no more deals in the Emerald city. <br />
In my 20s the mid sized frenzy of Seattle city/night life was just right to me-at times even too tame! I loved roaming the streets and bumping into friends and acquaintances at every corner. I've mentioned before, that I basically lived in bars and was a real prancing pony, girl about town. I thought it would never get old. I was a steadfast champion of the city.<br />
Slowly, my love affair with the night life soured. When I stopped drinking, etc. my disposition became more thoughtful and delicate. I now feel overwhelmed by all the noise and often brash or clashing personalities that I encounter. I feel like I am a sponge and absorb what I am immersed in and I don't really want to absorb everything that I finding here, in this city.<br />
I find myself dreaming of quietude and less of this and less of that. More space, more trees, dozens of hives full of bees, a vast garden to tend and goats to milk when I wake up. I daydream about the simple life, pick-up trucks, cabins and dirt roads. It's a kind of wallpaper in my brain. At one time, the daydreaming was enough to soothe my nerves. I had always planned that it would become reality but at a more distant future, 3-5 years off in the horizon. I feel more urgency today.<br />
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Last weekend I was in the country, on a rural Island paradise, with the man of my dreams and it felt so perfectly quiet, calm and lovely. I've visited this Island before and I always leave feeling recharged and inspired and fiercely yearning for my own country heaven. I appreciate the limited choices of commerce and the lack of ugly shops, fast food joints and people people people everywhere. You have so much more personal space in the country. Your own little bubble can grow bigger than the, what? 12 inches or so you try to maintain in the city... I love that my phone didn't work and I wasn't absent mindedly checking inane websites or my inbox for non-important emails. <br />
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I have always felt most myself in nature-meadow, field, or forest. I can be psychically open and take off the spiritual armor I have to wear in the city. I enjoyed so many conversations about ideas, goals, experiences. Far too often the conversations I have with city friends lean toward consumption (new shops or restaurants visited or items bought) and extreme character criticisms (yep, gossip). <br />
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I am tired of rushing all around town. I would not miss the sound of the buzz saw that my neighbor runs daily (everyday, for real, why!?). I am annoyed by the sound of the lawnmowers and leaf blowers everyone on my block is so fond of. I want trees and dry grass and dirt and dandelions tufts and dragonflies and hillsides all around. I want to sit creek side and listen to the sounds birds and bugs make. I want to be sloooow and allowed to be still when I want to be. I want to be able to clearly hear my own thoughts. <br />
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Last Sunday sweet <a href="http://prettysmartgirlart.blogspot.com/">Milla</a> made us the best breakfast with vegetables from her garden. Her magical nest was hidden away in the unfamiliar hills and we drove around in circles a few times just trying to find our way off the rambling hillside.<br />
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Nettles everywhere, overgrown and gone to seed. <br />
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There were daytime mosquitoes and so many irritating flying ants-which now, don't seem so bad after all... <br />
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A few days after we returned from the Island, my man went home. I made mixed berry jam and felt super sad that day. I don't think separation ever gets easier. Each time feels worse than the time before. Having a very limited amount of time to spend with someone you are into is<i> hard</i>. I want to pretend my job is interesting and throw myself into work but my heart is not in it at all. I'm distracted. Though I am grateful to be distracted by thoughts that are intense and sweet in nature. I find it surprising that this man even exists because he is strikingly similar to me in all the best ways. This connection makes others dull by comparison. I don't want to dissect it (much...) or figure it out. I just want to feel it.<br />
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Now I have a carload of total junk to drop off at the donation center up the street. Then I'm going to drink coffee, cut out patterns and go through all these books/downsize the shelves. I just want to move to my rural utopia right this minute. these things take time and all that... but still, I am moving forward and into a new phase of being. xo m<br />
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gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-43737392663473970972014-08-16T10:13:00.002-07:002014-08-16T10:13:43.253-07:00summer of love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I haven't been around much this last month. Not just here, on the interwebs but in my city. I spent a total of 10 days during July in Northern Ca. I grew up in Southern Ca and Northern Ca is just so different, pretty and magical, almost like a different state. I adore it. Of course, it doesn't hurt that there's a boy there that I like <i>a lot A LOT...</i> But here I am, now at home and having slacked a bit in the work dept, it's time for catching up in a big way.<br />
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You can find me at the Fremont Sunday Market set up in the sweltering sun (or hiding out in the musty garage) selling dresses etc all summer long...<br />
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On clear days, I stop and look around and feel instantly lightened by what I see. Seattle is so beautiful. I think that the contemplation of a move, somewhere off in the future, has me looking at my city fondly. <br />
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In my nighttime dreams I am roaming dry grass covered hillsides of California, planning where to put beehives and multiple gardens. I'm transported, as I sleep to fantasy farmlands, imagined treehouses and cottages. I make mental lists as I sleep and during waking hours. I've decided that those lists are going to become a notebook of real lists, starting today.<br />
I've never really experienced a long distance relationship. Or a healthy relationship for that matter... I'm learning how to do this. It feels otherworldly to be in love with someone who lives far away. I feel a little removed and in a daze at least part of the time. My heart and thoughts are elsewhere, with him. I alternate between fearful, rational, over-analyzing (of facts and distant what-ifs) and just feeling happily lost in crazy, head over heels adoration. It is ever a struggle for me to remain in the present moment and appreciate and enjoy love as it unfolds. Mentally, I try to run too far ahead, then I miss what is actually happening <i>now</i> because I'm involved in some future fixation. I have to pull myself back into this moment. I want my reality to be made up of what is I am currently feeling right now.<br />
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Northern California twilight.<br />
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See that red hair? It is a really washed out pastel pink now, faded quick. <br />
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This Washington summer has been the hottest that I can remember. Days and days on end of heat in the 90s leave us feeling like wilting winter flowers. Summer wildcrafting and jam making projects have been less than productive. I am pretty much useless when it's humid and hot. <br />
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although in this heat we have such lovely Seattle summer sunsets.<br />
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The clutter clearing and minimizing continues. I am still on my "get rid of it" trip big time. I like the feeling of lessening all this accumulated stuff. I need to spend some time on my little lady's room (covertly of course) today. The mountainous pile of stuffies is out of control! I'm thinking another yard sale is in order for next weekend or the weekend after. So many piles under the carport headed for the dump and a giant stack downstairs headed to value village... <br />
The attachment I once felt for so many precious items has really disappeared or at least lessened. I don't want to be that lady creature from Labyrinth with all her worldly treasures attached to her back! Not anymore! xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-68713965713371139602014-07-12T08:46:00.002-07:002014-07-12T08:53:02.660-07:00home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Now that I am home, it all seems a bit pale. I'm starting to get back into the routines of work/summer/life but it's as if a part of my heart stayed behind. Many times a day, my mind drifts off to thoughts of strange trees, fog, wind... I wake up and it takes a minute to realize that I'm not sleeping in a crumbling Victorian with stained floors. No one is going to bring me coffee. Vacation is over and reality is here. I feel like I'm living life in two separate places. I don't even know what a long distance relationship looks like. Guess I get to discover that now.<br />
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It takes so much effort for me to stay in the present. I was always calculating (especially in regards to romances) too far ahead and people can <i>feel </i>that kind of pressure and dream scheming expectation, I swear... Having to focus on what is in this moment RIGHT NOW takes true discipline. I feel calmer and less anxious when I focus on today, this moment. It's a liberating feeling. <br />
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Another wonderful moment from my Northern California journey was getting to meet, <i>in real life</i>, one of my favorite blog ladies, <a href="http://terrallectualism.wordpress.com/">the lovely and magical Mary</a>. I took a few pics but in every one she was mid chew. We sat in the park for an hour, sipped coffee and ate crazy <a href="http://www.clairesquares.com/product/clairesquares-three-pack-milk-chocolate/">claire's squares</a> oh goodness, those treats are heaven! I have met a few friends from the blogging world and have yet to be disappointed. Mary is just the bees knees!<br />
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At this exact moment I am focused on writing a query letter, or rather the first part of such a letter which is "the hook". Oh damn that annoying hook! I need to basically condense the idea of my book into one sentence... It's maddening. I find George R.R. Martin's hook for Game of Thrones endlessly inspiring:<br />
<span id="docs-internal-guid-fdf908f5-2b1b-37f5-ff5f-f22db5a1eb18" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">In the frozen wastes to the north of Winterfell, sinister and supernatural forces are mustering.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">” </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">see... good right? I just need to figure out a perfectly enticing way of drawing readers into my own web. </span><br />
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The sun is out and it's already in the mid 80s. We are deep in the midst of a sweltering global warming heat wave. The grass is all dead, all the outdoor plants are dried out and the chickens are unhappily pecking in the dusty dirt, no worms to be found. I didn't do, well anything, in the way of planting or weeding this year. I figured I would end up moving this summer. Now, I have no idea what next month or the month after will look like. A path will be illuminated. I will wait and see.<br />
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Summertime is full of lazy, hot animals, sticky, slightly cranky children, dirty feet and ice cold lemonade mixed w yerba mate'. I have been drinking coffee again, but only first thing in the morning. The last few weeks, I have spent too many nights staying up till 2am talking on the phone teenage style, so coffee goes with the territory right now. <br />
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July is so full of birthday's and bbqs. Then there's the whole work thing which really picks up in the summer. I'm devotedly working and query letter writing. Choosing to be fully focused on Seattle life (I'm giving myself a little pep talk here). I can have another little romance vacation soon, after certain goals are accomplished. Now back to hook writing... xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-47167950630750857642014-07-10T10:12:00.001-07:002014-07-10T10:12:30.555-07:00falling in love...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The last few weeks have been crazy (nuts insane bonkers...)! I have spent the last couple years exploring what it feels like to fall in love with: my children, our city, friends, sobriety, future dreams/goals, my writing, independent lady life etc etc. Basically channeling all my <i>intensely romantic love feelings</i> (in the past, that stuff pretty much always ruled my every thought!!) into healthier options. I was on a romance break. For however long that needed to be. I figured that eventually, when the time was right, a dreamy partner would appear. I believe that <i>like attracts like</i> and I would find someone special when I was ready and wonderful, happy within myself. In the past, I had always tried to control and make relationships into what I envisioned they should be. I used people I was in love with to try and fill an emptiness. I thought others were responsible for my happiness. This didn't work out well for me. I was also guilty of finding men that resembled rough pieces of coal and trying with all my might to turn them into dazzling diamonds... <br />
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3 moons ago, at the urging of an old friend, I did a new moon manifestation list. I wrote down all the traits <i>in specific detail </i>that I wanted in a new partner. My ideals were so specific that it seemed impossible one magical creature would ever possess them all. I folded up my list 3 times, wrapped it round with red thread, tied 3 knots and left it in my bedroom window where it would be bathed in moonlight. Almost instantly there were strange suitors on the horizon. None of them were quite right but still it was a start...<br />
I turn to <a href="http://www.thewildunknown.com/products/tarot-deck">my tarot cards</a> for insight almost daily. My readings were beginning to deliver messages of, what I saw as, a more romantic tone. <br />
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I realize that romances are like the stories I write. I have an idea in mind and I sit down to attempt pulling it from my brain onto the page. It the process of extraction, the story takes on it's own life, begins to breathe and changes the course of the initial idea I had. I never fight this in writing. I let the story tell itself, I am just a channel for the revelation, whatever it may be. <br />
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A few weeks ago I began falling in love. The process began so innocently and it has been instantaneous and virtually effortless. I am working on placing no expectations or strategic ambitions (oh the games and tactics I used to obsessively employ!) on this romance. It is a new experience for me. Love as a coming together and sharing the same path, sort of journey. Not as a goal oriented conquest of spirit...<br />
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Last week I was on a plane. Off to see this darling of my dreams who lives over 800 miles away. And yes, my hair is hot pink now...<br />
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I began my trip, a belly full of butterflies. I was nervous, calm, excited, terrified, apprehensive, elated, totally freaking out... on my way there.<br />
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Once I landed my nervousness intensified to be so heavy that I nearly hopped on a plane to return home... I calmed myself down, pushed through it and was rewarded with a long weekend of wonderfulness. <br />
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There can be such a transformative power in romance. At times it was overwhelming but ultimately sweet and lovely.<br />
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I returned home full of a buzzing, psychic connection. I feel comforted that the physical distance will bring careful decision making and wise perspectives. I have had a tendency to be impulsive and less than careful. I feel aware now. Awake and alive and present in the now. </div>
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Love is all around me now. In the birds that fly overhead, even in the crow caws, sparkling in summer flowers, washing over me as waves from the sea, sliding by in shifting sands. I have fallen. I am falling. There is now the feeling of being so deep in the middle of love. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-38482005047562796902014-05-26T08:49:00.001-07:002014-05-27T22:11:08.909-07:00holding out for that teenage feeling...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There has been a lot of journal writing these days. I'm finding my place as <i>a single lady</i>. These last 2 years have been a true, transformative journey. In the past, I was always lost in dreamy obsessions or deeply ensconced in some romantic (usually toxic and misguided) relationship. Coming out of that haze and learning to be responsible and self reliant has been, at times, a real trial and at other times an achievement of amazing personal freedom. I'm learning who I am and who I want to be, without other peoples overwhelming influence. I am on my own, clear headed-ly, for the first time since, oh age 13...<br />
When I ended my last long term relationship (and quit drinking, etc...), I found myself set back to the emotional age I was at before these all consuming relationships, and unhealthy coping habits, had started. I was renewed in my attitude of youthful idealism and innocence. I have gradually become romantic in a new sort of patient (pretty much sweet and old fashioned) healthy way. I am aware of myself and intuitive of others. I no longer feel the pull of these obsessive relationships, in fact, I can see them coming from a mile away and once I see a telltale sign, I run like hell! I experienced this mental shift and the old things no longer seem appealing, they look dangerous and harming and wonderfully, that is no longer attractive to me.<br />
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I look back to the pursuits that brought me such happiness as a very young lady. Writing (stories, letters, journaling), spending time with animals, being in nature, herbal studies... I am choosing to put the romantic energy, which I have in abundance, into my work, creative projects and into nurturing a happy loving life with my children, friends and animals. Instead of rabidly looking for another partner I will look inward and reflect my light outward. I concentrate on where I am going and continue creating and manifesting the internal goodness I now feel, which I had been seeking in others throughout all those lost years. I sought to find that freedom and joy outside of me but was never able to truly look inside myself at what might be lurking there. <br />
There are moments when I feel less than resolute and a little lonesome. Most of my friends are married or in deeply committed relationships and I have to admit that I feel a little isolated being one of the only single people I know of. It seems that most folks in their 30s are coupled off and seem to only come in pairs, often hand in hand and I feel envious but then I examine why I feel that way and what is motivating my envy and it's usually silly. I write about it and move on.<br />
I am not on okcupid, I'm not asking dudes to hang out, I don't go to places with the intention of meeting someone special. It's important for me to nurture my creativity and concentrate on writing. I've been working on a book since 2010 and I need to <i>just finish it</i> and do all the work necessary to go to the next level in that area.<br />
I put a bunch of cds in the car last week. In the process of going through them, at random while driving about on a sunny day, I came across<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qEwj0HgJ-g"> this song</a> and had a magic moment of solidarity and understanding. Finally, I am content to wait for a love that is sweet and wonderful. A relationship I was always seeking but was never in the right emotional space to find. I'm not interested in settling (or projecting imaginary traits and dreams onto some with-holding "diamond in the rough" man, hoping that my love will change him into my soul mate). When the time is right everything will fall into place. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-31957856999974538662014-05-24T19:13:00.000-07:002014-05-24T19:13:17.663-07:00poppies, puppy & wheels...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br /> ...these things have been most on my mind (and work work work, dreams of relocation and romance but let's start small!). Mars retrograde brought some financially laden changes that, while painful (STRESS time!) to work through, were ultimately for the best. At times I have to be careful what I verbalize and <i>put out there to the universe</i> because ultimately it comes to pass but in a difficult, seemingly "Why is this happening to me!!" way.<br />
I have been saying for months that I want to shift the bulk of my work onto etsy/ebay. I have two retail spaces (in different vintage co-ops) that I pay rent and a percentage of sales on and the income can be good at times but inconsistent and the overhead is high. Lately the sales and customers even coming into the shops has been bad and the owner has no interest in advertising or improving the aesthetic or "branding". He just wants to collect his cash. Etsy has it's own woes but the overhead is low. So I've been working on listing more everyday and voila, etsy sales are up. <br />
And then there's the car. I was gifted an older mercedes a couple years ago and it's been a pain and just not "me" in the car dept. I felt weird in it. I would think back longingly to my old volvos (years ago I had a 1978 green 240 wagon and a 1984 white sedan). When my car died a couple weeks ago, I ended up getting lucky on craigslist and now I have another volvo wagon.<br />
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It's pretty sweet. I felt like such a responsible adult (really not my forte in the cars and bills dept) going and getting tabs, insurance and an oil change.<br />
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This little pup, Viggo Mortensen, is getting bigger but he's still the littlest dog in town. On our outings, we've only met one pup (a teacup chihuahua puppy), that he is bigger than. He likes to chew stinky bones and be <i>wherever I am</i> at all times. Viggo is my little shadow. I adore him but at times (5am) I curse myself for taking on another family member. Now that my daughter's allergies are pretty under control and she is blissfully sleeping through the night, I go ahead and add a puppy to the mix and yeah, he barks and whines in the night and gets up at 5am EVERYDAY. oh boy... He's a sweetheart though and everyone (except for the scroogiest of Seattle folks) smile and dote on him. He makes people happy and light just by his magical, tiny, cuteness!<br />
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Poppies are popping. The jumbo ones, the little fluttery ones, the ones with crinkled edges...<br />
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and eggshells getting crushed to be fed back to my chickens with their corn and snacks to add calcium and built strong shells.<br />
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oh little lovely California poppies. I never knew there was any other kind when I was a kid growing up in Southern California. These orange poppies were everywhere including lining I-5 for mile after mile.<br />
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Gathered flowers from our evening stroll. My gal fills bowls and bowls. <br />
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oh and Hello there Mr Gary Oldman at your finest! Swoon! The other day I was feeling a little lonesome and needing a dose of <i>heady deep romance.</i> I had happily discovered<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bram_Stoker%27s_Dracula"> Bram Stoker's Dracula</a> was added to netflix so I watched it and was instantly revived and feel content to be single until I find my own sweet prince.<br />
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I just want a dashing, mysterious man with a thick accent who has "crossed oceans of time" to find me. No big deal, sounds reasonable... I'd better get started on that "hopeless romantic" stick n poke tattoo now. haha... Tomorrow finds me slinging vintage clothes and chatting w sweet ladies from Seattle and all around the world all day long. I'll be working on a new zine in my downtime. I think the first zine I've made in over a decade! Zine revival babies! I'd love to be a part of the return of snail mail and more printed words in hand. xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-67943898438974670392014-05-10T08:47:00.002-07:002014-05-10T08:47:22.689-07:00May!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It has been a month that I've been away. Not actually "away" but just not visiting this space. I've missed it. It just seemed that at the end of the day (when I usually write posts), after my little one goes to bed, I'm pretty tired and not in the mood to do much but nonsensically gripe... (and here comes the complaining...) The antibiotics we were on at the end of March to their toll and we've been working hard to take and eat as many probiotics as possible. and then there was/is the whole turmoil of my car. I was given a "free" car by my daughter's grandpa a couple years ago. The problem is, it's a luxury car and extremely expensive to fix, so I knew that when problems started arising I would not be able to afford the astronomical repairs (I can barely afford the synthetic oil!). There have been a few car issues the last few weeks and yesterday we ended up broken down on the side of the road. We're still waiting to hear from the mechanic but it doesn't look good. I wouldn't mind if we were more centrally located but 5 years ago we moved further away from the city and there is nothing in walking distance and my kiddos schools are on the other side of town. Then there is my work... I drive around thrifting all day and sell at flea markets and my vintage shops. Maybe the universe is telling me to move back to the Capitol Hill? Maybe I need a different job? I don't know, but it's an annoying situation, grateful we are healthy and able to have a "luxury" problem such as the car but it directly affects my income and I feel major (extra!) money $tre$$ now. Wishing I lived in a village or on an island where everything was within walking or biking distance.<br />
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I don't deal well with indecision, or not knowing what comes next. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed & trapped. Then there's the whole question of, how much longer <i>can I even afford</i> to try and stay in Seattle. It's gotten impossible to be able to afford rent with one income. Looking around at what's out there in the rental market is dismal.... ahhh, I'm just so bummin right now! See why I've stayed away? Deep thoughts, big decisions need to be made and it's hard times inside my head...<br />
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Nettle season passed by in the blink of an eye. My little gal harvested her first nettles. She didn't get stung once! Every day there are fresh greens and more flowers in bloom. The daily weather is ever switching back and forth. Often suddenly between overly sunny warmth and intense gloomy rain. <br />
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The Wisteria appeared! The lilacs are waning quickly. I keep finding cards on the street, always hearts and diamonds... Or my birth card, the Queen of Clubs...<br />
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This little guy is a handful. It's like having a baby. Not quite as hard but similar in so many ways.<br />
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It's hard for me to let go of worry and just "be" and do what I need to do, one thing at a time. I spend too much time worrying about imaginary future "what ifs" and, while I am improving and working on it, I still slip into worrying-anxiety-freak outs in times of stress and transition. So not only am I trying to solve a problem situation or make a tough decision, I also feel awful fretting... Right now, I'm going to take a hot shower and imagine all the cares and worries washing away and going down the drain! xo m</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-672808552677838119.post-44668637290149517522014-04-11T22:00:00.000-07:002014-04-11T22:00:23.484-07:00a tale of two cities...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
...or Seattle vs Portland. It's just such a <i>thing</i> right now. There's always been a bit of a beatles vs stones, blur vs oasis rivalry going on, but lately it's gettin kookoo! I giggled a little when I read my sweet friend <a href="http://prettysmartgirlart.blogspot.com/2014/04/explaining-that-im-just-visiting.html">Milla's Portland post </a>this morning. Then it got me to thinking about this Northwestern city battle... and plus, I needed a break from my intensive feng shui attack/space clearing thing (more on this soon!).<br />
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I love Portland but was stunned on my last visit there at how much Hating On Seattle, seems for some, a big time regional sport. Last time I went to Portland I had to listen to 3 different friends give me their anti-Seattle monologues. One pal talked about it soooo much I finally said "Cool, I get it! Love it or leave it, you left , now can you stop talking about how much you hated it? I still live there and you're bummin me out.". Then while out looking around, when I mentioned I was from Seattle, I encountered plenty of sweet Portland folks but was also was scoffed at and told by 3 shopkeepers, 2 baristas and one snooty bartender some negative views of Seattle. I've never felt such widespread regional disdain before (except when I went to London and certain Brits realized I was American...). It's weird how worked up some Portlanders (and non-Seattle people) get and how easily they engage in trash talk. You wanna know what people in Seattle say about Portland? I'll tell you, <i>nothing</i>. We like to go shopping there (tax free!) or take mini-vacations. Portland is cool, Seattle is cool. If you don't like it, guess what, you don't have to live here or even visit. <br />
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I envision Seattle as the eldest child of the Pacific Northwest family of cities. Swanky Seattle is all growed up and off to an ivy league school (even though she once used to have green hair and play in a punk bank) while Portland is the sassy kid sister still in middle school, so totally annoyed at her older sis... Does that make sense at all? <br />
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*this lovely lady above is my friend Olive, <i>the sweetest</i> barista/dog bestie (<a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz/etg-coffee-and-bakery-seattle">at the cutest tiny coffee shop</a>) in all the land. Washington native and all around nicest gal in town!<br />
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I am daily annoyed by so many things in my city. The lack of diversity-racial and economic, The crowded streets, so full of cars and people, the condos, condos, condos, grossly going up EVERYWHERE (<a href="http://seattle.eater.com/archives/2014/04/02/33yearold-piecoras-to-shutter-april-15.php">buying out seattle dives and landmarks for ridiculous prices</a> to get a slice of the real estate pie), the uber yuppies/dot.com drones that flock to new fancy cafes & bars (they live in all the condos, drive audis), the jocks and bros and weird dudes that fill up every sidewalk in every neighborhood on every weekend night once the sun goes down, <a href="http://seattletimes.com/html/businesstechnology/2023310931_rentstrendsxml.html">the fact that rents are going up and up</a>... No city is perfect. I get over it here, then I leave for a week or even a few days and when I get home, it feels so right (now).<br />
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I've never been bothered by the legendary coldness of Seattlites. I think people are friendly enough. Some days it suits me just fine if no one talks to me. People usually do though, especially cuz I have a super cute dog and I frequent hoods where I know so many people, I bump into friends often. Yesterday I was talking to a 75 yr old Norwegian pal of mine that I saw at the coffee shop, about the supposed coldness of Seattle people. He laughed and said, "I like it, reminds me of Norway. Always standing in the rain or snow in the dark waiting for the train, it's fine, no one saying 'How are you?' or some nonsense when we're cold and all feel the same way, no need to put on some fake friendliness." hahaha. <br />
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There are so many wonderful things going on in Seattle. It's interesting (as well as frustrating) how my city has grown up with me. When I moved here I was only 20, Seattle was gritty, felt small (compared to so-cal-where I came from), still pretty dirty. I thought it was neat to see Layne Staley on the bus, Krist Novoselic was in a yoga class I frequented, Kurt had passed on but I had several odd interactions with Courtney Love. I ended up meeting and making friends with many of my teenage grunge idols. The music scene here was and still is pretty magical. We have <a href="http://kexp.org/">the best radio station </a>in probably the world. That dark foresty Twin Peaks vibe is afoot big time. The forests, islands, mountains, beaches are crazy beautiful. Oh, don't forget the coffee thing, <a href="http://espressovivace.com/">Vivace </a>is here and it's the best. Our city spends a lot of time and money on parks and green spaces. There are chickens and bees happily in every hood. Art galleries and community gardens (plus guerilla art and gardens). And then there's my family and the friends that have become family to me here in Seattle, I love my community-which is made up of a few different communities (some overlapping) but just so many wonderful people here!<br />
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*Here's my teen and his bud when I took them on a super uplifting (sarcasm guys) pilgrimage, in the dismal rain, on the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death day to see Kurt's house and the park/memorial next to it... bummersville bonding experience extraordinaire, Seattle style. It felt <i>heavy</i> out there...<br />
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I don't r<i>eally </i>care what folks think about where I live but sometimes it's a little like having people talk mean about your mama or sister. I mean <i>I can talk about Seattle </i>I've lived here since 1996 and damnit I've earned it, but hearing other people make jabs at my city does make me feel a bit protective (yeah, I'm talkin to you, bearded bartender at that Portland vegan cafe/bar, named something I can't remember). For now Seattle is my home. I lived in Portland in 1993-94. It never felt like home to me (It felt like "My own Private Idaho" and I went to "the city" nightclub and xray cafe.). When I visit now, I have fun, eat amazing gluten free vegan treats, dip fondue at the pied cow, marvel at the surplus of cute boys (the grass is always greener!) but right now, I can't see myself there. I'm not so sure Seattle feels like my forever home, but it feels close. I need to spend more time exploring the surrounding country and islands and hopefully migrate out of this blossoming city scape as soon as my oldest is done with high school. But for now we are in Seattle, and it's a little like my baby, and nobody talks bad about my baby (but me!).</div>
gold fawnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04341296839868432417noreply@blogger.com2