the rain came in...

  The Autumn rain has finally started. I was really starting to wonder. It felt as if Summer had set in for good. Flowers and leaves, awake and unfolding at the wrong time. Everything in nature seemed out of sync and slightly confused. A couple weeks ago I journey to the little island of Vashon with one of my oldest friends (I have been friends with the lovely Carey for 25 years! It boggles my mind because it seems like just yesterday we were dancing to Bauhaus at the all ages dance club... Time is such a silly thing!). The weather that day was unseasonably warm and so bright.

 We fell a little in love with this magical coffee house that had hundreds of kinds of tea and was housed in an old dance hall. The building also contained a vintage book store and a health food grocery. Locals came in doing their daily shopping or coffee getting and it was every bit the picture of idyllic small town life. Nearly everyone was wearing some sort of groovy pnw vibe sweater and most people seemed to know one another.

   I was struggling with envy and judgement today. My daughter goes (on scholarship) to a private school. I love the school. We have had our struggles there (Not long ago, I posted about a bullying situation. In the conference with the teachers I agreed to trust them to facilitate healing and resolution. And things are, thankfully, improving in that area). I am very active and involved at the school. Still, it is hard for me, at times, to reserve judgement about the other parents.It's difficult to be surrounded by so many apparently blissfully happy, excessively moneyed folks and not feel a little bitter, jealous... I try to park my old volvo a block away so that when it invariably won't start (fuse terminal, wiring, short? I have problems about daily, every other day if I'm lucky) and I have to open the fuse box and fuss around in it for several minutes to get it to start, I don't have an audience of lookers on.. I get very wrapped up in my own day to day and imagine that these people have it easy, have no idea of struggle. But, for the most part, I don't know their stories. I can only control my own. Still the envy is there. I suggested, to the pta-which I am a part of, that we have our own funds for the group becasue not everyone (Hi, Me! I can't afford it!) should be expected to buy needed materials or coffee and snacks for large group meetings out of their own pocket. They were kinda like, Huh? But then understood and agreed it was a great idea... meh. Oct is a difficult transition month for work and I'm always feeling extra overwhelmed by the bills while less money is coming in.
  All that said, I have decided to go back to school. I'm actually only a handful of credits away from my AA and want to close in on a BA and then go to grad school. Big dreams. I had always envisioned going back to school in my 50s or 60s (when I had the time, haha) But I have a few friends (some of them single mamas) who have done it or are doing it and I think now is the time for me to try. This last week was a whirlwind of meetings at the school and testing and paperwork and online clicking and sending... I start on Jan 5th for winter. I'm pretty excited!!

We are immersed back in the land of OZ. I love these books and their old timey wording and delicacy. The art is so pretty and there are so many OZ books, although some of pretty boring and lack to pizzazz of the ones we love.

I took a couple pictures of books so I wouldn't forget to try and find them for my gal. The art in Marigold Garden is so pretty!

 Now it is Saturday. The day after Halloween. It rained heavily the entire evening. Wet feet, soggy candy, cranky kids. Super sugar hangovers and sniffly noses today. I let my little one watch the magic schoolbus which I will surely regret. Every time I use cartoons as a babysitter it turns out badly. But she woke up at 6am today (on school days I have to drag her out of bed at 7:15! But weekends she always wakes up by 6) and I just couldn't... I wanted to sleep more, I only got about 15 mins of sleep before the puppy started fussing around naughtily. xo m

mysterious elusive magical

  The nature of love is something I muse on constantly. The mysteries of life, luck, timing, I reflect on often. I go over conversations, gestures, glances, with analytical dissection. I do character studies of strangers, loved ones or internet "research" (ie obsessive bookmarking and youtube-ing, image,text searching) trying to put together or take apart what feelings make up who. In my head, there is always a story being written, sometimes fictional, often autobiography. occasionally, the story I'm writing isn't a story at all, but my actual life. My mental landscape leans towards the fantastical. It's always been so but lately even more intensely.
  I've been spending hours everyday writing. Now I skip my usual, exhausted end of day netflix streaming fest in favor or writing, attempting to translate my mental pictures, feelings into print. I'm writing a book (working title-vamp book) about Vampires. There are Vikings, humans, and now Witches and Cult members have appeared, there's a (still un-named) God-like Rock Icon.  The time period of vamp book spans 930 through 2014. Oh wait, there are actually things that happen before 930AD but the time isn't named... It's set mostly in Seattle but also in so many other places. Portland, Ireland, Africa, Iceland... The world and the mythology it contains has become complex, maybe too complex. I have a giant piece of paper over my writing desk that has a timeline and family trees on it. It's getting a little nuts. I sleep, eat, breathe that world. I exist in it whenever I possibly can. I'm not so sure why it's so important and demanding of my attention I just know that it is and I want to experience it, watch it unfold. It's like an ocean and the waves keep coming and I don't see the shore yet. I know there's land somewhere, it has to appear sooner or later.. If I'm patient and watchful.

 I still enjoy spending time in graveyards. I am so quintessentially gothic to the core. I love to sit there among the headstones and scribble away words, sentences, ideas, take pictures...

   There is something in being slightly miserable, or struggling or wading through a transition that makes me feel so hopelessly free and creative. I am wide awake to the inspiration of the universe. I open my arms and say yes. Inviting in creatures great and small. Dreaming and exploring and imagining a life that is full of beauty and a world of wonders untold.
  I believe that the hidden secrets of the heart and mind contain the most potent magic. It's that magic I seek and want to feel.

    The days grow colder and the black days, persistent rain and our drafty house reminds me that Winter is really coming. There's always water boiling, endless cups of tea being made. I get into bed at night, cuz it's warm there, and from beneath my covers, I write.  Samhain is approaching swiftly, bringing deep introspection, reflection. Stark changes ask for my attention and I comply. I'm discovering the new world, inside and out. xo m

creative life & daily practices...

  Autumn always finds me busy as a bee. There's back to school for my children, a swift succession of holidays, many close friend and family birthdays to celebrate and, I have realized that, Autumn is my most intensive creative period. As the days turn darker, cooler, we are forced more often indoors, I am swept away by mental adventures, stories, ideas...

  As a teen and young adult I was steadfast in my belief that my writing was something than need not be cultivated or regimented in any way. I guess when I had a surplus of time and minimal responsibilities, that worked for me. I could write and create whenever the mood hit, able to drop whatever I was doing and get lost chasing my muses. Writers and artists I admired (Sylvia Plath, Rimbaud, Byron, Anne Sexton, the Brontes...) were generally of the self-destructive or tortured variety. I thought that's how all artists lived/worked. I was naive, hadn't thoroughly researched how many of my beloved artists and writers approached their work. I knew F. Scott Fitzgerald had a mentally ill wife (who was an amazing artist herself, to whom he wrote beautiful love letters) a deep affinity for gin, partied all night and grew up in the South... That was enough for me, I idealized what I saw as the romantic aspects of his character. Had I delved deeper into his process I would've know that he spent most of his daytime hours in front of his typewriter. Writing was approached as a full time job. Although not always wholeheartedly... When I was 24 I had a quote from an F. Scott biography tattooed on my right arm:

"I've found my line

 from now on this comes first

This is my immediate duty

Without this I am nothing"

  F. Scott said he wished he'd said that to himself about his writing after he'd finished Gatsby. I idealistically got my tattoo and then kinda forgot about it as life got busy, I cultivated my own fondness for loud parties and staying up all night, left my husband, became a single parent... I let my writing diminish in size and frequency. I still wrote in a journal, though not dutifully, I blogged on occasion but was not giving life to fiction (which I enjoy most of all) or memoir.

  Now, with not enough time and a towering mountain of work & mama responsibilities, I have began implementing a rhythm of daily practices to support and encourage my creative life and well, damn, finish all these projects. I have been known to not always complete a great many of my passionate stories. I am not content to just let this thing, this energy slip away and hide. My creative routine is pretty basic and wonderful in it's simplicity!
   I sit and write. It's really that simple. I make myself sit at certain times in certain places and eventually I write things. Every morning, first thing after dropping my kids at school, I go to a coffee shop, get coffee and sit and write. I have a notebook in my purse. Sometimes, I bring my laptop but usually just actually writing with pen on paper works best for me. I write again or edit in the afternoon, just after lunch. I write again when the kids go to bed. These aren't the only times I write but these are the times I do make sure to always write. It's working well. Pages are filling up, Short stories are being finished. The neglected novel is growing, getting edited and transforming into something completely new.

  I also need time outside, rain or shine, every day. I get so much inspiration from life/nature. My imaginary world is born of Black clouds, mist & rain, rolling waves, leaves underfoot, counting fairy rings of mushrooms, a murder or crows circling evergreens and cawing... So much beauty everywhere about me if I can make my internal loop silent and demand my mind whine a little quieter. I remain open and wait for images to appear. And they always come.

  I listened to Nick Cave talk about his creative process on npr a few weeks back and was (no duh...) immensely inspired.  Now I need to get inspired to make soup. It's chilly, kids will be home soon and everyone will be talking, all at once around the dinner table, of the day. xo m

tea & toast

  Where have I been? oh thank you for noticing! Over the summer, I kept seeing friends posts about taking blog breaks and thinking hmm... when suddenly one day it made sense.  I sat down to write a post and nothing came, not a thought I needed to share or a question that needed asking, nothing... so I took a bit of a vacation from this space and worked on my fiction/memoir writing a lot.

  I have done so many other things since I last posted here... A few months of an attempted reconciliation with my ex... I don't even know how to get into that... working too much, trying to get through it and make it to the other side, attain a balance of sorts.  I'm trying to decide if and where (neighborhood wise or maybe even further into the country...) we will move to....
  I am mourning the summers passing a bit. Autumn has been rough on us. I was SO SICK and after a week of hardcore antibiotics am starting to feel better but the antibiotics bring with them a bunch of other issues that are no fun at all. And really awful antibiotic nightmares which are terrifying! I haven't taken antibiotics many times but each time I do the side effects seem worse... I've been living on tea and toast. I'm gluten free but for some reason white bread is the only thing that is helping my tummy...
   I have months of pics to edit and many ideas for proper posts. I just wanted to pop in and say hellllllo! I'm back! to those of you who've missed me, and those whom I've missed! xo m

autumn equinox...

  The dawn of my favorite season is upon us! Oh Autumn! It's so wonderful and lovely in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Southern California where Fall didn't really exist. It was always so ho hum being in a place and still wearing a t-shirt in October, at least as a kid. Growing up,  I had such deep fantasies about spiced apple cider, sweaters, fireplaces and such...

 Autumn gets me all nesty and home project oriented. I decided, last weekend, that I didn't need my spacious walk in closet (really HUGE, has a big window and large enough for a bed and desk, more like small office sized...) as much as my little one needed a room of her own. She's been asking for months. She wanted a space that was hers alone, one that she could close a door (ok, in this case a fancy curtain.) on when she wanted to be alone. I started the closet/room makeover thinking it would be quick and well, I have a lot of stuff, stuff that seemed to expand greatly when removed from the racks and shelves... So much stuff. A big sort and downsizing was in order. It was a rewarding but length process. But my little lady really adores her little room. Pics soon...

 Sept and Oct seem to be a real time of birthday parties. Pretty much all of my close friends are Virgos (with a few Libras and Scorpios thrown in) so the last few weeks have been busy and fun.

 Straw hat wearing season is coming to a close. Darn it all...

 I've been finding tons of playing cards (mostly hearts) at my feet these days. The universe is sending me hints...

 Floral fall for sure. As the earthly flowers start to wither, the fabric kind pop up on my clothes more and more.

 One last big outdoor trip. Her Papa took her to the zoo (I pretty much don't ever do that. It's depressing and as much as the zoos try to say they promote education and conservation, it still sits weird with me and seems so wrong, maybe it's just my history as a super sensitive teen animal rights activist... I just can't do it.) and she had a ball...

   I'll be dj-ing a vinyl only night next thursday and it's pretty much gonna be cry-in-your-cocktail country and gothic gems... I'll add some upbeat fun songs to the mix so it doesn't make everyone so super bummed but I just love soulful, sad, sappy tunes...
  The Autumn Equinox is at 10:49 this eve!! xo m

breathing...

  Spending some time this week really trying to devote myself to work and making an amazing fall feast for the 4 of us. I'm excited and in full on nesting mode. Tomorrow I am going to buy some sort of play structure for these two but where will it go?? There will be rearranging for sure... And more pictures (always more pictures!) for work.  Now I need to sit down and make a fool proof master list for groceries and items I can make ahead of time.

   Trying to take time to pause and breathe and relax in the midst of all the making... I cannot wait to eat some pumpkin pie! xo m

there will be snow...

  I can feel it in every joint of my body, cold is super seeping in. It feels difficult to get thoroughly warm. Time to change the filters in the heater, oh dear, don't want the heat to just suddenly STOP this year...

   So this is what it looks like most days around 3:45 pm.  I'm serious. oh the north lands....

 icy beach days...

 Trying to get all the plants that were in the mus room inside where it's warmer...

  These two are still not friends but I think he's trying to be pals with her. Sort of... okay. I'm off to work on some writing. Really should be seeing the new Twilight movie but it's just not in the cards tonight (sob sob...). Tomorrow I hope. xo m

winter is coming...

     I haven't been around this space much lately. I've been fighting of a cold and sinus infection and feeling not inspired to do much but the necessities... I'm determines to feel better and dosing up on elderberry syrup, honeyed teas, and tinctures...

 these leaves are everywhere, starting to be replaced little by little with brown pulp... winter is on it's way...

 Gluten free bread making experiments. A lot more work than regular bread baking and I've yet to find a recipe I really love. The search continues...

 So hard to not bring this guy home. I could easily become a crazy cat lady..

 And this guy... Bummed that he can no longer roam around outside. He just can't stop fighting and getting infected wounds/cysts that require (very expensive) surgery. He is not happy about his indoor life one bit.

 Biscuits are good!

 The best $1.99 ever spent around here...

 Loving my once a week coffee fix. Organic, vegan, almond milk, pumpkin spice latte. yes!

 The Full Moon was really lovely, especially reflected off the lake. wow wow wow!

  Then a Full Moon lantern walk around the lake. So sweet and magical...
     I'm visualizing wellness and looking forward to returning energy and less sniffles. xo m

loving autumn...

  I've been absent from this space for awhile... Not intentionally, but I've been immersed in so many projects (dress making, garden tending, reading up on bees and bunnies, making my first quilt, trying to do a redux/clutter clearing in the house/basement that seems neverending-those things each need their own post. soon...) and so much cozy time. It's gotten very cold all of a sudden and it's been raining a lot. I NEED to get my garlic in the ground. today or tomorrow it will happen. Now to sip a little coffee and add a few more pieces to the quilt...

 This chicken... No one has ever loved a rubber chicken more!

  It's the season of lots of garlic and elderberry syrup every day. I'm taking a herbal home remedies class and learning how to make all sorts of wonderful concoctions! The elderberry syrup is, so far, one of my favorites. Who knew it was so easy, and much cheaper than buying it, to make. We take it in the morning and evening and it tastes sooo delicious that no one complains a bit. xo m

the fair...

  Oh the fair... The trashy, yet charming. Puyallup fair. The day that worked best for us to go was rainy and gloomy. I like to look around and see the animals and go on a few rides but all the food is so terribly unhealthy and I wish there was a fair like this around here... Still, the kids loved it!

  You wouldn't believe how long the line at the deep fried butter stand was. eeeew!

  Now we're settling into Autumn. There are a few more yard projects that have to get done this weekend. And then I'll start looking for a good place to pick apples. The place we've gone the last few years isn't that wonderful and has gotten more and more crowded... Any ideas, Washington friends? Happy Friday! xo m