mysterious elusive magical

  The nature of love is something I muse on constantly. The mysteries of life, luck, timing, I reflect on often. I go over conversations, gestures, glances, with analytical dissection. I do character studies of strangers, loved ones or internet "research" (ie obsessive bookmarking and youtube-ing, image,text searching) trying to put together or take apart what feelings make up who. In my head, there is always a story being written, sometimes fictional, often autobiography. occasionally, the story I'm writing isn't a story at all, but my actual life. My mental landscape leans towards the fantastical. It's always been so but lately even more intensely.
  I've been spending hours everyday writing. Now I skip my usual, exhausted end of day netflix streaming fest in favor or writing, attempting to translate my mental pictures, feelings into print. I'm writing a book (working title-vamp book) about Vampires. There are Vikings, humans, and now Witches and Cult members have appeared, there's a (still un-named) God-like Rock Icon.  The time period of vamp book spans 930 through 2014. Oh wait, there are actually things that happen before 930AD but the time isn't named... It's set mostly in Seattle but also in so many other places. Portland, Ireland, Africa, Iceland... The world and the mythology it contains has become complex, maybe too complex. I have a giant piece of paper over my writing desk that has a timeline and family trees on it. It's getting a little nuts. I sleep, eat, breathe that world. I exist in it whenever I possibly can. I'm not so sure why it's so important and demanding of my attention I just know that it is and I want to experience it, watch it unfold. It's like an ocean and the waves keep coming and I don't see the shore yet. I know there's land somewhere, it has to appear sooner or later.. If I'm patient and watchful.

 I still enjoy spending time in graveyards. I am so quintessentially gothic to the core. I love to sit there among the headstones and scribble away words, sentences, ideas, take pictures...

   There is something in being slightly miserable, or struggling or wading through a transition that makes me feel so hopelessly free and creative. I am wide awake to the inspiration of the universe. I open my arms and say yes. Inviting in creatures great and small. Dreaming and exploring and imagining a life that is full of beauty and a world of wonders untold.
  I believe that the hidden secrets of the heart and mind contain the most potent magic. It's that magic I seek and want to feel.

    The days grow colder and the black days, persistent rain and our drafty house reminds me that Winter is really coming. There's always water boiling, endless cups of tea being made. I get into bed at night, cuz it's warm there, and from beneath my covers, I write.  Samhain is approaching swiftly, bringing deep introspection, reflection. Stark changes ask for my attention and I comply. I'm discovering the new world, inside and out. xo m

the golden state...

   Tomorrow I will be in California (I'm going to visit my "special gentleman friend" as one lady friend says...). Each visit home is full of learning. My relationship with my home state is ever changing. There is such an intense duality in my nature that when it comes to most people, places, things... I seem to love furiously and in a bittersweet way-even if this loving only happens in my mind. It's the way my brain works, I strive to find balance through extremities.
   Growing up in Southern California was a love affair full of eternal sunshine, warmth and outdoor freedom. It's easy to be a kid there, no jackets or mittens to worry about. When I was little we were allowed, expected to roam our neighborhood, only needing to return before night fall. Yet there was an internal darkness always inside me. I wasn't able to fully enjoy being sunshine-y and free then. I was wrestling with the confusing problems of dealing with my drug addict mother and a number of other abusive adults.I couldn't wait to get away and moved to Oregon a month after I graduated high school.
  Over the next several years I moved around Oregon and Washington (and back to California) often. I made the mistake of thinking that the place was a large part of the problem and that my discontent would cease if I just found the right place to live in. After my son was born I couldn't just pick up and move on a whim so I began to examine my thoughts and feelings and shortly discovered that my issues were the real issue and started working on emotional health, healing, sorting through my feelings and eventually got to a place of contentment and became comfortable with who I am.
  I love the Northwest. It is a magical place. It's also the only home my children have ever known. But there is still a part of me that misses California. Like a long lost lover I want to reconnect with because at the time of our first romance I wasn't ready for that kind of love yet... (Oh... this post is ripe with simile and metaphor. What am I even going on about... home, love...) I feel like you all understand...

   Here in Washington, we have such damp, chilly mornings, we've collected so many first days of school, heavy blankets, the smell of fireplace and wood stove smoke in the air nightly. The comfort of home and the challenge I feel when entering Autumn-you know it's so wet and dark and seems endless and then you arrive at March and feel victorious as the first days of sunshine begin. I feel such a true pioneer spirit at times in The Northwest. I look into the eyes of strangers during a sudden downpour and we smile, shrug our shoulder and laugh as water runs into our eyes.

 I imagine what a life in California would look like. I imagine what community I might find there. Through July and August I would examine and fantasize (yes, obsess!) over every little idea and situation. I've mostly put those thoughts out of my mind and now am trying to concentrate on what is right now. To be, and that means: working a lot, collecting paper, school, finishing vamp book, getting ready for the winter, for now we are here and I am not sure what the future holds.

   Occasionally, on gloomy days I think of sunshine and am momentarily transported to the Golden State. I think a life there as an emotionally whole adult as opposed to that of a tormented child might be really wonderful.  But my love for Seattle is so strong. It's like my Heathcliff... Would I ever really love California like that?  See how my mind works? Over and over and around again. A true Libra. I used to get so annoyed when reading Linda Goodman astrology books because she seemed very biased in regards to Librans but , well, some of her observations may have had a ring of truth to them...

 Today there are so many errands and my son is performing with his Queens of the Stone Age cove band and then packing... x 3...

 Oh to laze in a field of borage watching the honey bees. Surrounded on all sides by evergreens.

  Tomorrow I will be on airplane heading to California. I'm excited to visit once more while it is still technically summertime! I'm waiting for fresh illuminations to be revealed. I'm excited to see what mysteries will be unveiled on this visit. Because, you know, we are still somewhat in love , the Golden State and I... xo m

home

  Now that I am home, it all seems a bit pale. I'm starting to get back into the routines of work/summer/life but it's as if a part of my heart stayed behind.  Many times a day, my mind drifts off to thoughts of strange trees, fog, wind... I wake up and it takes a minute to realize that I'm not sleeping in a crumbling Victorian with stained floors. No one is going to bring me coffee. Vacation is over and reality is here. I feel like I'm living life in two separate places.  I don't even know what a long distance relationship looks like. Guess I get to discover that now.

  It takes so much effort for me to stay in the present. I was always calculating (especially in regards to romances) too far ahead and people can feel that kind of pressure and dream scheming expectation, I swear... Having to focus on what is in this moment RIGHT NOW takes true discipline. I feel calmer and less anxious when I focus on today, this moment. It's a liberating feeling.

     Another wonderful moment from my Northern California journey was getting to meet, in real life, one of my favorite blog ladies, the lovely and magical Mary. I took a few pics but in every one she was mid chew. We sat in the park for an hour, sipped coffee and ate crazy claire's squares oh goodness, those treats are heaven! I have met a few friends from the blogging world and have yet to be disappointed. Mary is just the bees knees!

   At this exact moment I am focused on writing a query letter, or rather the first part of such a letter which is "the hook". Oh damn that annoying hook! I need to basically condense the idea of my book into one sentence...  It's maddening. I find George R.R. Martin's hook for Game of Thrones endlessly inspiring:
  “In the frozen wastes to the north of Winterfell, sinister and supernatural forces are mustering.”   
  see... good right? I just need to figure out a perfectly enticing way of drawing  readers into my own web.
 

    The sun is out and it's already in the mid 80s. We are deep in the midst of a sweltering global warming heat wave. The grass is all dead, all the outdoor plants are dried out and the chickens are unhappily pecking in the dusty dirt, no worms to be found. I didn't do, well anything, in the way of planting or weeding this year. I figured I would end up moving this summer. Now, I have no idea what next month or the month after will look like. A path will be illuminated. I will wait and see.

   Summertime is full of lazy, hot animals, sticky, slightly cranky children, dirty feet and ice cold lemonade mixed w yerba mate'. I have been drinking coffee again, but only first thing in the morning. The last few weeks, I have spent too many nights staying up till 2am talking on the phone teenage style, so coffee goes with the territory right now.

  July is so full of birthday's and bbqs. Then there's the whole work thing which really picks up in the summer. I'm devotedly working and query letter writing. Choosing to be fully focused on Seattle life (I'm giving myself a little pep talk here). I can have another little romance vacation soon, after certain goals are accomplished.  Now back to hook writing... xo m

winter wonders

  I had wanted to write this post last night, as the last bits of snowy slush melted away, but the internet was acting funny and wouldn't let me... So here I am writing now... Yesterday we woke to the prettiest white blanket of snow. I love the way snow casts a surreal illumination to everything. Even before the sun came up, I could tell it had snowed from the whiteness pouring in through the kitchen windows.

   I have to be honest, this fall has been difficult in the money dept. I always feel a little pressure when the weather turns colder and I have to start turning on the heat. The gas and electric bills goes way up in the fall and winter and being mostly the only contributing parent (My littlest one's papa does his part) is hard. Then there's the added expectations of holiday gifts etc and it makes it difficult for me to breathe in the yuletide cheer and really enjoy the holidays. I think about money (or the lack of it) a lot. My little one is happy with the found objects and thrifted treasures I give but my teenager has loftier yearnings and his birthday is on Dec 24th and he's planned a double date teen birthday, movie pizza thing-not free, I get to pay... He doesn't read my blog so I can say that,man,  teens want a lot of STUFF.  I'm at the tail end of a nasty cold, maybe flu, and I just wanna hole up with tea and season 6 of gilmore girls and just melt into my bed and not worry about paying for things at all.

   Winter is super pioneer time around here. brr, our drafty, cold house, lotsa layers and sweaters and acorn socks on all the time! I am grateful for all that we have and don't really want more (stuff wise),  I just want a little more free time and the ability to relax and enjoy that free time in the outdoors with my kids. The cost of things in this city keep going up while my job is getting more competitive and the money I make less and less. I'm exploring back to school options for myself and concentrating on the aspects of my work that are doing well. Of all the different avenues my work goes down, online seems to be doing the best, yet last year that was not the case. The tides are ever changing and I need to develop new ways of working or anticipating the changes before they are upon me, I don't want to feel this wave of intense financial pressure. I want to sail smoothly across a balance.

 ahhh, there's the snow I spoke of before I got sidetracked into a little $$$ tizzy. See, pretty! So good!

 So pretty that I had to make some gingerbread, even though it was really heavy on the molasses tip and the loaf came out very black and I was the only one who was into it.

 And my older chicken Sadie, who hasn't laid an egg in months was so moved she gave us a little blue egg as a gift for our Solstice snow day. 

Here's my gal smooshing at her gingerbread. Not really eating it but pulverizing it into smithereens. This evening and all day tomorrow, until the double date teen party, is for making treats and knitting and easing into the winter vibes and looking up into the sky with wonder and open-ness. Letting go of my apprehension and worrisome nature and embracing the icy chill and encouraging the hibernating ideas in my mind.  xo m

i'm anemic royalty, i'm so tired, i can't sleep...

  Yeah dudes, I totally used Nirvana lyrics for a title. It's cool, I do live in Seattle and it's so fitting cuz I am anemic in a major way! Phew! Kind of glad that's the deal because I have been feeling so damn weird! Super tired (plus insomnia!), depressed, paranoid, tingly fingers/toes, dizzy spells, etc... I should've realized the signs sooner (I was vegan-and a pretty terrible eater-from age 10-23 and was anemic pretty much the whole time) and then I started freaking out because my lips and self seemed paler than usual (I am pretty pale anyways...) and nearly talked myself out of my wonderful island getaway... I went to the Dr. yesterday and ended up crying and telling him "I'm so stressed out! I'm pretty sure I have anemia or maybe diabetes or my thyroid is acting up or something cuz I feel awful!" and I got a total blood panel done and everything looks good but I am soooo anemic and I have been eating vegan (and not being the most healthful about it) for at least the last 6 months or so. It's hard juggling all the food sensitivities (plus my own ethics about eating animals) and things I should avoid and still end up with a nutritionally balanced diet. I am working on it. And I am swigging molasses out of the bottle w/ sips of Floradix and drinking Catnip/Nettle tea. Please, my herbal sisters, lend me your advice about natural iron boosting ways!
  So let me talk more about my happy weekend, still dreaming about my magical overnight vacation! It was dark on the journey over...

   I love this! These little conks (I think that's what they're called...) growing on this stump, look like steps up to the fairy tower.

   See! Proof. I do have another child! But he's a teenager and either at school, with his friends or doesn't wanna be photographed much.  He loves nature (and peering over semi-dangerous cliffs and running on hillsides).

 In the evening the sunset was huge and crazy beautiful.  It looked like the sky was a golden, pink and blue explosion.

   Today, I felt so impatient and bored listening to a few different city folk go on about this person or that job or some other yuppie b.s. today. I just kept thinking "I went to a wonderful island and it was amazing!! I don't care about all this junk!" sigh...
  Tomorrow the sun will be shining and I'll be attempting more chicken introductions. Part one of flock expansion did not go well. Sadie (the big bully) pecked rather soundly on my favorite chick, Raven's, head.  Raven stuck her head close to the fence and Sadie's beak snuck through the fence in a flash! I'll be putting up a temporary divider in the chicken run for the little ones to be in.  They are so naive though and I'm afraid they'll stick their little heads through the chicken wire and get whacked... I guess they'll learn not to do that. I also think I might need to get a dog kennel for Sadie in case she needs to spend some time alone getting used to the idea of four new sister hens... Oh chickens. xo m

she has now gone from this unhappy planet...

  Well, around here we love Ouija boards. I've had them since I was a small child. Spiritualism was a very big part of my childhood Victoriana fantasy world and when I finally got my very own ouija board (I think I was 9 and it was under the christmas tree) I fell in love. I am just fascinated with any/every form of divination. A few months ago I found this one but couldn't find the planchette (the pointer). So good for learning letters and numbers.
  In middle school I had a group of friends who I spent many hours using Ouija Boards with. We would also do past life regression hypnotism (not one of us was a trained hypnotist, obviously). What a little bunch of freaks we were!

 and... I got this tattoo a few weeks ago.

 then... My friend found this glow in the dark Ouija board and I bought it from him for $5.

and then there's Moz...



ok, now I have to sleep. No staying up reading ghost stories! xo m

energy

   2012 was, and 2013 continues to be, a time of transformations. I am building the life that feels right and beautiful to me. So many little and big things are changing everyday. I think the most important part in all of these changes is ME. I am becoming a person who chooses to smile rather than choosing to scowl. I am learning to give love freely without expecting love in return. I don't feel the need to correct and argue (at least I don't let the feelings leave my mind and come out of my mouth!) all the time.
  I want to connect with nature, people,  life and beauty and see it all with wonderment. View and appreciate what is around me.  I want to experience the energy of earth and the universe in a spirit of love.

 Soft colored lights and lanterns are filling up our house. Bright lights have always bothered me. I feel so cozy in a soft glow. I saw these star shaped paper lanterns at a friends and had to order some for our house. They are like little stained glass windows.

Sugar has been reduced (I can't let go completely, yet... give a girl time.) greatly. Gone is the Gluten, Dairy, and so many grains. I realized, when I cut out gluten, that eating a big amount of almost any grain makes me feel all puffed up and just terrible. Welcome to salad town... I eat a lot of salad and try to eat as many fresh raw vegetables as possible because that's what makes me feel good and gives me the most energy. I can feel myself vibrating happily after I eat a nice salad with a little protein on it.  That ice cream up there is vegan coconut milk with chocolate chips. and tart cherries on top... that was a couple weeks ago. I'm being good now. Maybe a little nip of dark chocolate or some dried mangoes on occasion.
  One of chickens, Cinnamon, is not well, she seems pretty sick. She's on antibiotics and we'll see what becomes of her health. All my hens are nearly 4 and not very productive layers anymore. They're pets. I hate to think Cinnamon is suffering and in pain or confusion. She seems ok, still eating and drinking, so I'll just wait and see.. I was pretty bummed for a few days and stressing about what to do... xo m
 

chickens, crystals, color!

  I was pretty excited when I found a random chicken in my neighborhood last week. I actually thought she was one of mine and brought her home, thinking she looked prettier than usual, then realized that it was a spry young lady and not mine... I did a little research and found her owners and kinda sadly returned her. My hens were quite happy to see her. Oh how I love a stray!

 Saturday nights get pretty wild around here! A little hand sewing and repairs and tea. I'm trying to finish up the piles and piles of projects.

 This beauty showed up in my mailbox last week! It was such a sweet surprise, I was having a sort of moody, ho-hum day and then I saw a chunky envelope peeking out of my mailbox. The lovely Sadie Rose of Lost Boys & Lovers sent me this magical crystal & feather necklace and I am loving it sooooo! I imagine myself wandering the desert when I put it on. It has deeeep California sunshine vibes. Thank you sweet Sadie!! I feel so happy & grateful for the connections I've made online with other mystical, creative, powerhouse mamas (and some amazing non-mamas too!). This strange internet dimension is wonderful in some ways!

I love this little  trilogy of quartz power! sigh...

 ok, so some hair got colored... not very much. So here's the before...

 and after a little orange & pink...

Hmm, I'm thinking soft lilac all over. This color fades fast! This winter gloom is making me want soft pastel hair like a maniac so I'll just fool around a little... xo m

candy colored hair

  Late nights and so much insomnia (trying to quit the coffee but sometimes end up having a breakdown latte late in the day...). And yeah, just thinking about hair color and mainly lots of colors. Added a few foils to my hair the other night but maybe need a few more. This is just important (silly) hair business!

I AM going to get some sleep tonight though. Maybe add some lilac to my hair tomorrow... xo m

california is beautiful!

  Yesterday I had one of those melancholy, missing California, listening to Gram Parsons (& Emmylou Harris) all day long kind of days. How is it possible to feel so attached and drawn to (a dead man) I've never met? It just is... and the First Aid Kit record is really good!



Now I'm off to run many errands and fit in a fancy lunch with a sweet lady friend. xo m

spring loves...

    I have been work work working in every spare moment and guess what? It's been paying off and I have my rent in the bank and I'm not stressing at the last moment to scrape it together! It feels good.
Independence isn't so terrifying to me... One month in and I feel good. On the right path for sure...

This spring I have been really into...

>>>my morning coffee. It's ok if I get it out (don't make it at home and drink like the whole pot in one sitting) and have found a new place where the espresso is better than the old place we used to frequent-as a bonus I have a crush on the dreamiest guy that happens to get his morning coffee at this new spot. sigh...

 >>>This guy being all healthy and adjusting to not being allowed in the bedroom (cat allergies for my littlest one) at all. Trying to make some cozy cat hiding spots elsewhere in the house.

 >>>The light in spring as the sun breaks through the ever present Seattle gloom. I need that sun!

 >>>working away on my t shirt/tank top project...

 >>>this pig (Oliver) is just so silly.

 >>>exploring our neighborhood and going on lots of walks where we aren't allowed to go into stores and buy junk/snacks (budget time!). Just walking and collecting things like pine cones and taking pictures...

 >>>journaling lots! I just carry my journal with me all the time and write a bit whenever I get the chance. This is a good thing but there was a moment when I thought I had left my journal at the coffee shop and fantasized that my dream crush would find it (oh the silly things I've written in it all about him!) and it wouldn't end up like that episode of my so called life ("why Jordan can't read") cuz I'm pretty sure my crush is literate...

 >>>Sitting in the grass with super pals gossiping, laughing and staring at the headstones through the fence. Life is so wonderful...

>>>and today is sunday so after getting a little more work done I'm gonna ride my bike to meet a lovely lady friend for an afternoon beverage and sit on the patio and talk and dream a little more..

>>>also VERY into Led Zeppelin! I mean, this has happened before but it's happening again and my oh my... that young Jimmy Page... xo m