girl afraid

  I am delicate. I have ptsd and a hair trigger with stimulants. It takes me many, many times of repeated behavior before I learn that certain things just do not work for me. I'm not sure why I feel the compulsion to try some things again and again, ignoring the past. I did a little work today regarding coffee and my love hate relationship with black gold. And by "work" I mean that I foolishly had a latte' then had the first intensely physical panic attack I've had in months. When I get a physical panic attack, I'm short of breath, get tingly fingers and toes, my head pounds, my heart races and my vision gets blurry. I become irrationally convinced that I'm going to faint or have a heart attack due to some undiagnosed mystery ailment. If I'm in public I have to get to a "safe" place (my house, my car, a trusted friends) It can go on for hours, hard or with peaks and valleys. Afterwards I feel completely depleted and wrung out. It's awful. It wasn't worth the latte', that's the truth.

   After months of intense, hard wintering (ie: constant rain and gloom, slow sales at the shops-so more $$$ stress than usual) the veil of darkness is beginning to lift and I got a little excited for the actual spring start which is only a couple days away. After 2 weeks of avoiding coffee and black tea the coffee I had today amped me out severely and I felt superhuman for about 15 minutes... then I started sweating, thinking weirdo thoughts and feeling like I needed a horse tranquilizer.

 I'll get it eventually. I'm glad I have my chill out/safe cds in the car. I sat quietly, shut my eyes, concentrated on my breath and imagined long ago Versailles full of ladies in lovely pastel gowns with fancy, party hair.

 Years ago, these kinds of attacks used to send me racing off to the nearest ER, sure I was on my deathbed. Now I know it's in my mind and I'm getting it, slowly... It passed quickly and I was able to calm down, eat something and get on with my day. It was a real triumph to not let a damn cup of coffee derail my entire day. As bad as I felt in the moment, it was nice that those kind of freak outs are no longer common place.
  Now, there is laundry to fold, bedtime poetry to read and we are all super excited because tomorrow we're adding a special new friend to the family... Can you guess? xo m

finding balance...

   I'm not sure if you know this about me but I used to go out a lot. I sang in a band, I was a total social (boy crazy) butterfly. Really.  Every fri & sat and probably tues or thursday, at least 3 or 4 times a week, every week. I find it hard to believe (in my current sleep deprived mama state) that I ever had that kind of stamina. I envisioned my 20-something social life as an ever swinging Great Gatsby-esque revel, but in reality it had moments much more akin to the movie Hysterical Blindness. In my 20s, I could never imagine a time when I wouldn't want to be at every "it" party, art show or performance. My bestie and I would vow that it'd never change! We'd always be at the center of every party. Her ex boyfriend used to say, "You just have to get the EDIE out of you first." referring of course to doomed socialite Edie Sedgwick. Well guys, the Edie is officially out of me.

   In the last couple months I've been doing a little experiment. I've been going out. Once a week, every saturday, as my little one is at her Papa's (and I usually just stream shows or movies until my eyes are popping out!). I have come to realize that my tastes in nightlife have certainly changed. I do not like people with boozy breathe talking loudly in my face or stepping on my toes on the dance floor. I enjoy going dancing, but I think my going out vibe can be saved for once every one or two months unless there is something really special happening (a sci-fi theme birthday-see blade runner makeup above... or holiday party that can't be missed). I miss playing music and my son and I are turning part of our basement into a practice area for our future musical projects.
   The cycle of change is an interesting animal. As I grow and explore and discover myself, the things that bring me joy have certainly changed. Obviously, hanging out in bars (since I no longer drink at all) isn't much fun. I do enjoy staying up very late on occasion, but not so much when I'm out and about. My favorite late nights are spent at home lost deep in the depths of a creative project, sewing dresses, purses or working on my book. Day times are spent immersed in the domestic arts (baking, mending, writing, homesteading, herbal studies and of course there's always that four letter word, WORK). Truly most of the activities that bring me happiness are solitary pursuits. I've found myself feeling a little isolated in the last year. It has been a grand period of growth and development but I am a deeply social creature at my core and I miss the artistic/social community I was once a part of. But everything feels so different because I am so different now.

  This months marks 18 months of abstinence from alcohol (and 2 years since I re-entered the single mama path) In the last 2 years I have done so much work on myself and our family life. I want to create a safe, ever nurturing environment for my kids. I want to seek out only loving relationships. 2 years ago, I wasn't feeling too spiritually or emotionally healthy. Not only my romantic relationship, but many so called "friends", were pretty toxic. In the process of untangling myself from unhealthy emotional ties I have also come to realize that it is very integral to my well being to help others. Mother Earth, animals, people. I need to radiate calm and love and ask myself  "Am I being helpful, am I being kind" many times a day in order to stay on the path. It is more important to try and figure out how I may be of use to others in a healthy way instead of ever asking how will this help me. Self seeking is something that seems such a part of our society (at least in the city) and moving away from that selfishness feels so good!  Working towards balance and finding my place within a new sort of healthy, creative community is part of my daily work. A big part of that community is the friendship with wonderful ladies I have "met" through this blog. There are so many sweet and kindred spirits out there connected and found through an internet spiders web.

  Growing up in a tumultuous environment left me to have an anxious constitution always fearing the worst would happen. I'm trying to retrain myself and gradually my anxiety and fear of future things is lessening. Now when I have a panic attack it's a big deal and extra freaky snce it happens so infrequently. Panic used to be a daily constant. I'm also working on finding the silver linings... My sewing machine broke a few months ago (and I haven't the money to buy another right now) so I moped about it for a week and then just picked up my needle and started hand sewing and I'm really into it. I've been making these little drawstring purses out of antique and vintage fabric (cutting into antique quilt remnants). The bags are just the right size for tarot cards. So far I'm making them for special friends but they will make their way into the shop this spring.
  Now I'm off to be a busy worker bee and take pics for the shops and then hopefully hunt out some magical nettles beneath the trees. Happy Sunday friends! xo m

where I've been...

  I've been away from this space for two weeks! I do try to keep my blog somewhat light and bright but I need to explain a bit of what's been going on with me. A few weeks ago I went through an "episode" of really terrible abdominal pain (plus a host of other fun symptoms- I'll spare u all the deats...). For days I was laying in bed with a hot water bottle, pain pills not helping, curled up in a ball crying because it was a level of pain so excruciating, I felt out of my mind. I made it into the dr and then the gastroenterologist a few days later and test after test after lab etc was ordered. All kinds of big bads had to be ruled out and they were, one by one, day by day, but the waiting was also pretty painful and soooo stressful. I was in a little black hole of depression and anxiety. Lastly,  I got my first (and hopefully only) ct scan. I drank weird thick liquid and was poked while trying not to stare at all the poor folks who were gravely ill waiting for their scans. It was normal. I'm good.

 I am fine. "You are really, really healthy!" My dr said. But years of anxiety and stress and freakouts have conditioned my GI to be hyper reactive and way sensitive. I've always been this way. But the older I get (and the more stress that's piled on) the worse my insides are. And then there's the whole, am I wheat sensitive or celiac and to actually find out I'd have to eat substantial amounts of wheat for a couple weeks before getting the test and I'd rather just avoid it. My most recent episode was triggered after I had a few major french bakery binges and I just know I feel best when I avoid wheat, heck all grains...  I'm trying to listen to my body,  and ignore that nagging voice in my mind that wants to worry about weirdo "what ifs". 
  Anxiety is such a strange coping mechanism. Somehow I decided, as a little girl, that if I worried about all kinds of insanely elaborate crazy things, they'd never happen, and they didn't. Other truly bad actual things happened but I was too consumed in my fantasy world to acknowledge the real life frights. I guess the anxiety served me then but it doesn't work for me anymore. My mind is so tied to my body and all that worrying manifest physical symptoms to a startling degree. I'm working on my more worthwhile coping skills, like yoga, meditation, creating, spending time with friends and my little ones and just getting outside as often as possible.

   And as much as I hate to admit it, a Paleo style diet (local fish and grass fed meat) is really working for me. At least I feel physically well. I have an enormous ethical conflict of interest as an animal lover and former vegan, but I can't survive on only nuts and veggies. Dairy, Soy and all beans make me ill and the wheat, ugh. I've been bothered by rice for a while as well and yep, all grains. I hope as my stress management improves and I get my tummy (etc...) back to a place of vitality and wellness I can cut back/eliminate meat and reintroduce beans and a grain or two... and so yeah, I'm feeling better, alive and out of the darkness, free of fear.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you about blueberry picking and oh those figs! I have so many!! I want to make some sort of fig preserves with them. I love them! Here's to brightness and more summer. xo m

moments to meditate...

   The dark and rainy days are here.  I've been making an effort to get away and spend some time alone, without the computer, writing and sitting and thinking. Mapping out what I want 2012 to be. I want to be released of my judgements of others and the ability of thoughtless people to get under my skin.  One off interaction with someone will cause me to go over and over it in my head. It shouldn't affect me so...

 Bath time. Plenty of candles, a little incense, bath salts and rose petals in the tub... ahhhhh. breathing in tranquility. Getting over a cold as well which has turned into a cough, but it's on it's way out.

happy weekending. xo m

dreams & realities...

  I don't get all mushy over new years eve. I never really have. Nowadays I tend to think about the passing of time and it's fleeting-ness often. I try not to dwell on it too much and instead focus on the beauty of every day. Emotionally growing into adulthood  (finding out who I truly am & what makes me happy now) has really accelerated in the last few years. It's funny but, after many years of distraction, I've come full circle and am right back where I started as a tiny child. My main interests and aspirations are the same ones I had 30 years ago. Writing, "making" (such a big category but holds all sorts of crafting/domestic arts pursuits), and taking care of my family, plants and animals... I am still playing little house on the prairie.

daybreak.

 egg production is really booming. 3 a day without fail. 21 eggs a week from our 3 hens. They are very funny and sweet ladies. May be time for a chicken post...

  So much sun yesterday and today. And it was cold cold!! It was 23 degrees today and should continue all week. I had to grease up all the hens combs and wattles. They have a light in their coop but still mess around in the frozen grass and well, we've already lost one comb to frostbite last month and I don't want any other parts falling of my feathered gals. Stay warm friends and happy new years!