spring gloom...

  Spring is slowly coming, hanging on the dragging heels of winter. All day long it's lights on, lights off, lights on, lights off. I carry a sweater, my coat, umbrella & sunglasses. But when the sun does slip out from behind those grey clouds, I feel the purest energy vibrate within me. I feel happy. The end of February and early March are the toughest months for my poor little depressive self. I'm taking a handful of different vitamin /herbal supplements, swilling all sorts of teas, modifying my diet and still my mind wanders into these terrible dark corners. I have to sit in my sadness carefully and observe it, be in it without letting it pull me under, into it's murky depths completely... This time of year my best friend and I have long phone conversations about how irrationally angry we get with annoying strangers and how little we feel. It's the medication consideration time of year. bleck... I hate the thoughts of taking pills and usually would never consider it. I know that when I think fleeting thoughts of anti-depressants that spring it nearly bursting through the door. If you're in my club, you get me and understand, right?

 I'm working on perfecting a chai recipe with fresh ginger. If you have any loved recipes please share. It's hard to get ones with the spices just right. I love chai heavy on the ginger and cardamom...

 crystals, candles, incense and meditation. If I was able to set aside the time every day for this I'm sure my heart would be blooming. I have the best intentions but there are just so many other people, creatures & things that demand my attention. Tomorrow I will sit silently, first thing upon waking at 6:30am and simply listen...

 So this goth gloom doth run in the family blood. Last weekend it was so sunny and my son said "Let's go to a new cemetery!". We're doing a little tour of any and every cemetery we can find. 3 down...

Sunday's  tulips and a hyacinth (we are allergic to her sweet smelling ness!).

  And then there's these little ladies. More on them soon... I was contemplating getting more chickens and then I saw Black Australorps at the feed store and pretty much obsessed on them hard until i went back 48 hours later. Little chicks are the cutest things!!
  Today did bring the sun and I  was able to get some weeding and clearing done in the garden. We have some big garden projects planned for this weekend. I never feel closer to the Goddess than when I am digging into the earth or tending sweet little creatures. I need to concentrate on that truth and keep my hands busy improving our outdoor space.
   One year ago my partner of several years moved out and last year I hadn't the time or energy to accomplish much outside. I can't believe I have been doing this single (and not gone on a single date even!) mama to 2,  expanded my business (with 2 new retail spaces) and writing so much for a whole year...  It's crazy. It feels good to be self reliant and "free" but at times I miss things like watching movies or (gasp) brunch with a love. I have my little loves and all our plants and animals and projects galore and I have goals. Buying land/a home, an old pickup truck and rabbits and goats. This is all gonna happen but where? xo m

daughter of the moon...

   Taking a bit of a pause for a few days and here is the decreasing cycle of the moon, just in time, giving me extra cause to breathe and nourish things that are already growing. changing. tearing down the old to make way for the new...
   I'm thankful there is this:


and let's be honest, this too...


back to deep relaxing... xo m

snow melt

  Our snow was brief and oh so fleeting. So lovely all Tuesday night, looked a bit wimpy once the sun came up, resembled a grey slurppie by lunchtime and gone completely before dinner. sigh... I have often fantasized about long Maine (or New Hampshire or Vermont or Wisconsin or...) winters and, having spent half my life growing up in Southern California, I should simply be grateful for the bit we got...  but I want MORE! More snow play, more cozy cocoa time, more baking... I love how the snow forces people to chill out and slow down.

   Today was mama meet up time. I needed some time with ladies, even though my little one is the oldest and that usually means a bit of trouble/negotiating here and there. There was warm cherry crisp, and I brought blueberry muffins (all vegan & gluten free). I want to find a charitable project for us all to do together so I need to  do a bit of researching.

   The last few days have been difficult for me in the anxiety dept. I find that, day after day of dark skies, really contributes to a gloomy mood for me. I'm trying to make as many plans as possible because, as hard as it is to drag myself out of the house, it almost always helps.  The sun broke through for about 15 minutes today and it was positively magical. My little one keeps going about saying "Sun! Wake up!" in this frustrated tone...

waiting for the snow...

  There have bean big rumors the last few days that a major snowstorm is headed our way. We got a little snow on Monday morning but it melted off by lunchtime. Many people (ahem, my kids) really want a ton of snow. I like snow but it sure increases my chores (um, chicken care mostly).

Monday am snow driving...

 And now, along with the ever present pink sunglasses, my little miss is into bandannas. Like biker style. It's funny.

 Spent some time taking etsy pics before I got distracted by some clothes in need of mending, loads of laundry and a little corner of the basement I got carried away cleaning. Still, progress was made and hopefully there will be some fresh vintage treasures in my shop tomorrow.

 Egg production is a bit sporadic these days. The girls do not enjoy the freezing temps and haven't been delivering the usual 3 eggs a morning. The huddle around the light set up near the nesting box looking very forlorn.

  They got some extra special spinach treats today. I'm going to make them a little dust bath and am thinking of putting a layer of bark beneath the alfalfa that floors their run. The ground gets so wet here and they are such little diggers, on some days it gets quite swampy in there...
  We'll see what the night holds as far as the snow goes. Snow days are sure good cookie baking, cocoa drinking days!
  I try to show my lighter side here but have to say, on a serious note, I'm trying to be here in my home and life right now and not let the shootings in Tuscon seriously affect my anxiety level. It makes me feel so down and introspective... So sad and disturbing on so many levels. I made the mistake of casually looking at a paper at the corner market and am now haunted by it. It breaks my heart. Guns should be far less accessible and mental health care more available. The darkness of our world, at times, can be unbelievable. Holding light in my heart for the families torn apart by violence. Much love, M

sometimes there are dark clouds...

  I've always fought to keep depression away and the last few years have been the best, with only very occasional black clouds rolling in. Anyone who feels depression knows the "nothingness" that wraps around you, the lack of interest, the removal from life... It's like watching a movie and not being able to participate. Stuck on a non-feeling island of solitude...It sucks. Nowadays, a little spell comes on after I've exerted myself emotionally and/or physically and it happens so infrequently that when it does, it feels awful because I'm not used to it. So anyway, I have been taking a break from this space, haven't been feeling like sharing. Been feeling the melancholy and bummer "why bother" feelings...
  I started this blog because I thought it would be an easy way to keep a sort of journal and pictures together. I am an old school zine writer grrl and missed the community and strong friendships I made with other zine writers, and had hoped that the blog community would be something like that for me as well. But the blog world is SO BIG (and dare I say, clique-ish) and it seems like real connections are extremely difficult to come by on the internets. I've come across some really amazing blogs by, what I see as kindred spirits, but it hasn't gone any further than that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads this. But ultimately the reason I do this is for me. To preserve a record of days and life.
  Honestly, I'm feeling more cheerful and more myself. I'm sure the doldrums weren't helped by a slow moving anti-climatic cold (which I had thought was allergies). Today my heart is bright and I'm going to work on my studio space, some short stories and work on a zine again (is there even a zine marketplace anymore? I have no idea??).

   Oh my little lady loves bunnies! I do too. These little grey babies were so very sweet. I think next spring I'd like to build a little rabbit hutch for a pair of rabbit friends. I have to hold myself back because there are so many projects I want to do on/with this space we live in but we are only renting and will be trying to buy a home (hopefully a big out of town farmish spread with lots of space) and moving a zillion animal friends and their homes will be hard.

  Not even trying to preserve the lawn, I like the dandelions, they're happy. And the chickens love to eat the dandelion greens. Speaking of this, The chickens love grass and dandelion leaves, they won't eat lettuce or kale I offer but go crazy over grass and dandelions. Well, there's PLENTY of that...
  Happy weekend! I'm looking forward to some quiet time with my littles and finishing up a quilting project.