sometimes there are dark clouds...

  I've always fought to keep depression away and the last few years have been the best, with only very occasional black clouds rolling in. Anyone who feels depression knows the "nothingness" that wraps around you, the lack of interest, the removal from life... It's like watching a movie and not being able to participate. Stuck on a non-feeling island of solitude...It sucks. Nowadays, a little spell comes on after I've exerted myself emotionally and/or physically and it happens so infrequently that when it does, it feels awful because I'm not used to it. So anyway, I have been taking a break from this space, haven't been feeling like sharing. Been feeling the melancholy and bummer "why bother" feelings...
  I started this blog because I thought it would be an easy way to keep a sort of journal and pictures together. I am an old school zine writer grrl and missed the community and strong friendships I made with other zine writers, and had hoped that the blog community would be something like that for me as well. But the blog world is SO BIG (and dare I say, clique-ish) and it seems like real connections are extremely difficult to come by on the internets. I've come across some really amazing blogs by, what I see as kindred spirits, but it hasn't gone any further than that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads this. But ultimately the reason I do this is for me. To preserve a record of days and life.
  Honestly, I'm feeling more cheerful and more myself. I'm sure the doldrums weren't helped by a slow moving anti-climatic cold (which I had thought was allergies). Today my heart is bright and I'm going to work on my studio space, some short stories and work on a zine again (is there even a zine marketplace anymore? I have no idea??).

   Oh my little lady loves bunnies! I do too. These little grey babies were so very sweet. I think next spring I'd like to build a little rabbit hutch for a pair of rabbit friends. I have to hold myself back because there are so many projects I want to do on/with this space we live in but we are only renting and will be trying to buy a home (hopefully a big out of town farmish spread with lots of space) and moving a zillion animal friends and their homes will be hard.

  Not even trying to preserve the lawn, I like the dandelions, they're happy. And the chickens love to eat the dandelion greens. Speaking of this, The chickens love grass and dandelion leaves, they won't eat lettuce or kale I offer but go crazy over grass and dandelions. Well, there's PLENTY of that...
  Happy weekend! I'm looking forward to some quiet time with my littles and finishing up a quilting project.

letting go...

  Last week was difficult for me. I have always struggled with anxiety when it comes to having some sort of confrontation or evaluating a relationship. I've come to realize that when it's more unpleasant to be around someone than it is to be away from them (as in the prospect of possibly having that person out of your life permanently), it's time for a talk or well, it's time to let go and walk away and admit that this relationship is not serving anyone in a positive way. It's so hard to let go. I  am in a place now where I try to talk to the person instead of having an angry blow up (as in my teens and 20's) but no matter how delicately you try to broach the subject of whatever the concern may be, you're still making a judgement (which feels lame in itself, to evaluate another persons coping techniques or ways of being...)and no one wants to hear that. Last week my attempt at opening up a talk was met by anger, sarcasm and I don't even know what else but I expected that and well, breaking up is hard to do... Harder to break up with a female friend than a boyfriend, to me. Female friendships can become so complex and multi-layered. I'm trying to learn to be a better friend and to me that means honesty and being real.

  I want to respect and hold in my heart the love I have for what the friendship once was but it just isn't growing and I'm not interested in standing still and pretending that the distance isn't impossible for me to notice. I have to release it.

middle school

  Tomorrow is the first day of school for my oldest and I'm certain I'm more nervous than he is. Every new school year brings with it the reminder of how quickly time passes and I just want to grab hold of him and make everything stop for a bit. I can picture high school and college, so close now and it terrifies me. I don't want him to ever go. There was some talk of home schooling (it had always been the plan to home school after elementary ended) but he wanted to try the new school and see how it goes...

Our lone jack o lantern is turning orange. so many long vines and so many male flowers but I have only seen 3 female flowers and this is the only one that ended up getting pollinated (didn't know that I could or needed to do that until the other two rotted off and then there were no more females... sad!)

  The hens are growing and spend a lot of time laying in cozy piles in the alfalfa. They seem so big to me until I walk by a yard with full grown chickens and then my lassies seem quite tiny in comparison. Hope they're comfy enough and warm.
  Our summer was not much of a summer and fall really seems to have settled in. I'm busy canning, jamming, harvesting herbs for drying, weeding/pulling dead things, planting a bit and slow roasting tomatoes. Next spring we'll add more raised beds and try a few new things. It's amazing how much you learn just by trying!

the 100th post! hello handmades

Here is my 100th post! Happy to have made it to 100. I finally had time to update my sadly neglected handmade etsy shop with some bags and hand dyed items. There will be more to come soooon!

  We've been busy trying to enjoy the last bits of the not so summery nw summer and getting ready for school to begin. Fall is my favorite season by far. I grew up in so cal, so I spent most of my youth dreaming of red leaves and hot apple cider and such... I really appreciate this time of year. mmmm...